Acknowledging (and reflecting on) what was likely the biggest mistake of my life

[ladidaok]

When I was 18, I made perhaps the biggest mistake of my life

There were so many things that happened around that time that it's taken me until now (15 years later) to be able to see things more clearly

The confluence of things that happened then, if you will, has since led me to blame my circumstances on the wrong things

In other words, it's been hard for me to be honest about the main cause of my suffering since

At any rate, the mistake I made at 18 that led to this cascading domino effect that's since dearly cost me was going to college close to home

I had the option to attend college a few hundred miles from home, but I ended up staying at home and attending a college in the neighborhood instead

I can see why I ultimately made this decision— I'd gone through an extraordinary amount of pain and suffering prior to this, was emotionally stunted, afraid, coerced into the decision, etc. — but it ended up costing me everything

I pretty much had nothing to call my own before making this decision, so it put me in this extraordinarily deep hole I'm still fighting tooth and nail to get out of

—-

I've been able to identify this decision as being a pivotal turning point for awhile now, but I haven't really talked about, let alone shared much, about that time

I now realize I need to talk about that decision and time in my life, so I can begin to work on the shame

In the end, I think I decided to stay close to home for college out of fear

Fear of the unknown, fear that I wouldn't know how to function on my own, fear of fear, fear in general

Truth be told, I didn't even think that attending college close to home would even be an option for the longest

I grew up in a big city, and all of the colleges nearby were extremely competitive

In fact, I can't even remember exactly why I applied to the college I ended up attending

It may have been a guidance counselor who suggested it, my mother, some environmental influence brought it to the forefront of my mind, etc.

Regardless, I ended up applying

I remember feeling elevated doubt throughout the application process

But my entire life was filled with fear and doubt at that point in time, and I didn't know how to trust my gut anymore

Hence, why I made the decision I did

—

Anyway, I initially received a rejection letter from the college I ended up attending

I can't remember what the letter said exactly (and frankly, it doesn't matter)

(They may have placed me on some sort of waitlist in the event other students didn't accept their offer, which is what I believe ended up happening).

At any rate, within a few weeks, I received a second letter saying I'd been accepted

As mentioned, I had other choices— including a college that was a few hundred miles away.

That said, I went with my local university, which as I alluded to, is likely my biggest regret

—

Truthfully, I don't know how things would've turned out had I attended college a few hundred miles (or even just a hundred) away

It almost certainly would've been a massive struggle at first, and it may have even have caused more difficulties in the short run

I dissociated so hard as a kid that I didn't know how to adult in the least

That's to say, I didn't know how to cook, do laundry, etc.

I had also become extremely solitary by then, and I think I was terrified by the idea of having to live in, let alone share a dorm

Society was much different then (i.e., less accepting of mental health issues, neurodiversity, etc.), and I didn't want to deal with being shamed or judged

I'd also experienced extremely severe physical pain that didn't have a clear issue by then, which I felt shame over

All in all, I understand why I chose what was familiar

I'm simply trying to begin exploring the shame from this period

—

In the end, the only way I could describe the symptoms I experienced in the wake of this decision is "dizzying, unremitting emotional whiplash."

Maybe I'll be able to talk about these symptoms better as time goes on, but I haven't been able to process the trauma anywhere near enough

In the end, I've never been the same since, and I know the fact that I fought things for so long made things worse

But I understand who I was, what I knew, and the trauma I'd endured to that point, so I don't even blame myself for fighting things so vigorously

I obviously wish I hadn't, but I didn't know what to do at that point

These symptoms gradually became slightly more tolerable over time, so I was able to "fake it" better at times

But I didn't regain any semblance of hope or self until I started therapy

—-

My current crisis is largely centered around the realization that I never really healed from any of this

I can remember most of what happened from a factual standpoint, but the feelings and emotions are still in my body and wreak absolute havoc

In the end, I don't know how to practically get through this

Those formative years scraped away the fun and joy in my life, so I often don't know what to do with my time

I know what gives me natural life force or energy, if you will, but I get tired of the pain and grief this brings up

The root of my problem is I need to feel in order to heal (and be myself), but it's incredibly taxing having to feel all the tim

So, it feels like there are no good options, and I'm almost constantly cycling between false hope and despair

And as I'm learning, there isn't even a good way to end life itself, if it comes to that

For now, I'm just going to keep trying and hope that I find small answers to build off of

Thanks for reading

 

[CatLvr]

I know JUST how you feel. But I am MUCH older than you so have had a lot more years to reflect on, and attempt to understand, the fear that drove me to make the choices I made.

I had quite a bit more life experience than you when I left home (oldest girl, my mother's attitude was she gave birth to all the kids in her and my father's very large family so I could do the rest of the work. I was basically her slave labor, so I knew how to do all the domestic things you did not have experience with.) but that is where the differences ends. I felt such a connection to everything else you wrote.

I hope my story will give you some hope. I spent my 20s and most of my 30s absolutely terrified I was never gonna find anyone. I was always the scapegoat at home so I truly believed I was completely unworthy of any true connection with another human being. And because of that I self-sabotaged every single relationship I was ever in.

Finally, in my early 40s I married a man who I believed "saw" me for the person I was TRYING to be. Nope. He was the male version of my mother. I couldn't do anything right. And I deserved every bad thing that he could make happen to me because I didn't try hard enough. He was the type to always be fucking around (literally and figuratively) and quite unexpectedly to him I am sure, wound up dead in a hospital emergency room a couple of months ago.

Now, I realized half-way through our 25 year relationship that I was the one picking the men who mistreated me in an attempt to resolve the issues I had with my parents, but specifically my mother. But I made a commitment and I honor my commitments, so I stayed.

And now after a LONG period of self-reflection (and a little luck) I am finally free -- free to explore who I really am and what I really want.

I told you all that to say this -- you can do this. It will not be easy. Some days you will most assuredly think it is not worth it, but do NOT convince yourself you are "done" like I did. I very nearly killed myself -- I mean I wasn't researching meatloaf recipes when I found this place. And SaSu was actually the reason I found my reason to go on. Let the members here, and their experiences, help you find your way. There is a lot of good advice from a lot of good people here. I find it VERY interesting that a good number of us come here to find a way to leave this world and instead find out reasons to stay a little bit longer. And actually find some semblance of peace.

I am a firm believer in self-determination so I would never presume to tell you things will be okay forever. But I can tell you that sometimes, if we keep our options open, things will be okay for a little bit.