I am weak. The noise in my mind is incessant. Not voices. Literally me. Telling myself how unworthy I am of those around me. I believe it is my default setting. Twenty years of therapy. Twenty years of meds. Twenty years of listening to powerful mentors. Twenty years of journaling. Twenty years of being so chaotic and lost in my mind, dragging others into my chaos.
My action does not come from haste. No one moment or situation or single human interaction created this choice. It lives in me. It always has. Pure torture.
I have created such a mess. This has all been my doing.
So much love and care around me. I cannot keep torturing those around me. I just can't get it together.
It is waves. Waves of hope. Waves of desperation. Waves of pure hatred for who I am.
No one could ever have stopped me. I would have found a way.
I am unsure of how much to share as it truly does not aid in understanding my choice. I respect that it is seen as selfish. I tell myself every day it is.
I have attempted a few times. Clearly not successful.
I understand the chaos and destruction I leave behind. I am ashamed. Just as I am ashamed of all that I am.
There is so much beauty and joy and kindness and generosity around me. I still could not get it together.
When people engage with me, I am astonished by my ability to truly be enamoured by their thoughts, I am obsessed with how beautiful those are around me. But while I am listening, I am thinking simultaneously, I am awful. I am unworthy. They don't understand how I don't deserve to be here.
Existing is torture. Normal experiences are overwhelming. I am in awe of how so many can function. It is truly a miracle how resilient and exceptional so many are.
I want to use names and experiences but I feel I will leave out many monumental moments and undermine so much love that has been shown to me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am deficient. Not you.
My action does not come from haste. No one moment or situation or single human interaction created this choice. It lives in me. It always has. Pure torture.
I have created such a mess. This has all been my doing.
So much love and care around me. I cannot keep torturing those around me. I just can't get it together.
It is waves. Waves of hope. Waves of desperation. Waves of pure hatred for who I am.
No one could ever have stopped me. I would have found a way.
I am unsure of how much to share as it truly does not aid in understanding my choice. I respect that it is seen as selfish. I tell myself every day it is.
I have attempted a few times. Clearly not successful.
I understand the chaos and destruction I leave behind. I am ashamed. Just as I am ashamed of all that I am.
There is so much beauty and joy and kindness and generosity around me. I still could not get it together.
When people engage with me, I am astonished by my ability to truly be enamoured by their thoughts, I am obsessed with how beautiful those are around me. But while I am listening, I am thinking simultaneously, I am awful. I am unworthy. They don't understand how I don't deserve to be here.
Existing is torture. Normal experiences are overwhelming. I am in awe of how so many can function. It is truly a miracle how resilient and exceptional so many are.
I want to use names and experiences but I feel I will leave out many monumental moments and undermine so much love that has been shown to me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am deficient. Not you.
