accepting I'll ctb

[Archness]

The joys I can attain is like the smallest led in a dark room.

Ahh, I love listening to this music. I like playing this game. I like doing these to pass the time until I fucking die.
I could enjoy these things, but the pointlessness of it all makes even my joy not worthwhile. When joy isn't worthwhile it ceases to exist. I'm less happy, so I'm merely waiting to die even more, and it feeds into itself.

My will to continue life, is only what I could get out of it. The value of enjoyment and pleasures in life must go further then themselves.
These are not the case in my life, a wish to survive akin to an animal, and a hedonistic hunger.

Thus I lose a will to live. Only survival instinct and hedonism hold me together now. Yet, as a human, I transcend those things. Into what? Being suicidal.

It's absurd, but it's the truth.


Why? I don't like it, yet it is. My will to die, is as irrational yet self-evident, as my will to live. Neither are synthesized from the objective universe. Both are emergent from myself, self-evident without justification, only explanation. The shift of these forces is like the turning of the sun into an eternal night, an occurrence well outside my self-awareness.

To cease one's existence is painful. A very special kind of pain one will never experience, yet is in the hearts of many and myself. May this pain stop either way.

 

[Caoine01]

Thank you for the poetic text. I can relate to the feelings very well. If you like send me a PM

 

[SilentSadness]

Wanting to die is certainly not irrational; it makes sense to me to put a stop to the possibility of happiness to prevent inevitable and unbearable suffering that I experience right now. Even if it was irrational, humans are irrational creatures. I personally don't enjoy much in this world so I am very happy for you that you at least enjoy your time to an extent. You have put it very poetically and I hope that you find peace from the worst of this game.

 

[Source Energy]

you summed it up pretty well. I lost my will to live too.
for me, life is about having dreams and fulfilling them...if your dreams can't be fulfilled, what to go on for?
I just exist, in sadness, waiting for death. I have conversations with myself all the time and keep checking within if taking my sn in the very near future is the best...and yep...it is.

 

[LowLevelChimp]

I relate to this thread, I don't remember enjoying life for life's sake at all. I hid from life for most of my existence using drugs, alcohol and other more dark methods.

I tried to make life enjoyable on a achievement basis but little seems to work for me. I had made attempts on my life and was so close to success leaving myself permanently damaged.

I've hoped for recovery but my mind is concerned only with pain and malaise. I have tried again for some months to live again but again I'm back to my worthless, pointless and futile existence.

My mask is slipping again and the pain of the everyday is bleeding through. My fear of further damage is stopping me taking my SN. I feel resigned to constant thoughts of suicide and pointless activity.

Thank you for your post, I feel better knowing we're not the only ones.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me, existence could never be worth enduring no matter what. The inevitably of suffering in life and just the fact that existing is something so useless means that to me, it's always preferable to not exist. But anyway, I hope that you find the freedom from your pain that you wish for.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

not only do i deeply relate to your post, it is also beautifully written

Thus I lose a will to live. Only survival instinct and hedonism hold me together now. Yet, as a human, I transcend those things. Into what? Being suicidal.

this is exactly how i feel. you even used my favorite word, transcend! through my hedonistic indulgence and self-destruction, i seek to transcend my own existence, to transcend the presence of this body and attain the absence of void

 

[ZeldaNLink1999]

Just take one step at a time. Maybe its not rational to kill yourself impulsively. Or how you say it. I will probably end it. If its in a month, a year, or 3 years, I will see. Its hard to accept it, but I feel done with life.