M
mrtime87
Student
- Jul 9, 2024
- 136
The worst feeling is knowing I want to kill myself but can't. My health is only going to get worse but it's hitting me that there realistically is no way for me to kms.
I have a rope to hang myself with but it's the thought of having to choke for 7 minutes that slowly hits me. I know my Si will kick in and I won't do it.
Regarding my health, my problems come from years of neglect and are quite embarrassing.
I slowly accept im going to be homeless and suffering, and the only thing I can do is own my mistake and try to repent as best I can.
I'm not even sure if this is a recovery post or simply just admitting defeat, but deep down I look at older people and slowly realize I've been depressed my whole life and wanting to die young.
Now I'm 38 years old and knowing I'll never live that long and fulfilling life all these older people have, and it hurts knowing it's my fault.
Bad things happen, but in my life I can't blame circumstances. I graduated first in my high school class, went to college, but sadly was a terrible worker who thought good grades was enough to secure a good life.
Sadly, I never got out of the mindset that bad stuff wouldn't happen to me, and now it's becoming, yes, this is happening to me.
I know God forgives, that there's heaven to look forward to, but down inside it's bittersweet finally saying I want to live to old age only to know and see that my life will deteriorate as this happens.
Life certainly is precious, and I couldn't get over my self hatred enough to really enjoy it. I wish there was a painless way to end my life and simply go away, or buy a house where I can hide and lay low.
I have to accept what I'm going thru and hope that people still accept me because my health really is that bad. But I know I can't ctb, for better or worse.
It's not fair, but then again,.maybe the people who do kill themselves deep down know they felt pain and couldn't get over what they were going thru.
I just wish I had a healthier mindset in my 20s and recognized that I was depressed and gotten help. Instead it was ill just kill myself if things get bad. Boy was I wrong.
I have a rope to hang myself with but it's the thought of having to choke for 7 minutes that slowly hits me. I know my Si will kick in and I won't do it.
Regarding my health, my problems come from years of neglect and are quite embarrassing.
I slowly accept im going to be homeless and suffering, and the only thing I can do is own my mistake and try to repent as best I can.
I'm not even sure if this is a recovery post or simply just admitting defeat, but deep down I look at older people and slowly realize I've been depressed my whole life and wanting to die young.
Now I'm 38 years old and knowing I'll never live that long and fulfilling life all these older people have, and it hurts knowing it's my fault.
Bad things happen, but in my life I can't blame circumstances. I graduated first in my high school class, went to college, but sadly was a terrible worker who thought good grades was enough to secure a good life.
Sadly, I never got out of the mindset that bad stuff wouldn't happen to me, and now it's becoming, yes, this is happening to me.
I know God forgives, that there's heaven to look forward to, but down inside it's bittersweet finally saying I want to live to old age only to know and see that my life will deteriorate as this happens.
Life certainly is precious, and I couldn't get over my self hatred enough to really enjoy it. I wish there was a painless way to end my life and simply go away, or buy a house where I can hide and lay low.
I have to accept what I'm going thru and hope that people still accept me because my health really is that bad. But I know I can't ctb, for better or worse.
It's not fair, but then again,.maybe the people who do kill themselves deep down know they felt pain and couldn't get over what they were going thru.
I just wish I had a healthier mindset in my 20s and recognized that I was depressed and gotten help. Instead it was ill just kill myself if things get bad. Boy was I wrong.