accepting being an outsider?

[SomewhatLoved]

Has anyone done this? Is it possible?

For my whole life I have struggled to form human connection. I'm not a mental health professional, and even if I was it's not like I could psychoanalyze and diagnose myself in a non-biased/objective way, but I think I may have autism or some social/personality disorder. Whenever I'm in a social setting it feels like all of my focus is on "tracing" the conversation. Keeping track of who is talking and what they're saying, trying to preempt points where I can jump in... It gets to a point where socializing isn't even fun. No matter how hard I try to focus, it feels like someone else always is able to cut in and "take" the conversation in a more natural, flowing way. I never notice other people try to speak up or engage in conversation only to get cut off or speak a second too late and someone else starts talking the way it happens to me and at the frequency it happens to me.

Anyways, part of me has started to think after multiple failed attempts at socialization, forming friendships, being in a relationship, maybe I'm better off trying to learn to be happy without using or depending on socialization and social validation as a source of happiness. Is it better to just try and be content with going to the park on my motorcycle and sitting there night after night with headphones in watching the sunset alone? I feel some level of solitude and peacefulness when I do these things, but at the same time it feels empty. Each time someone walks past I glance over at them, almost subconsciously, hoping they sit down next to me or something. Of course this never happens. Earlier today I was at a government office to get some forms filled out and at one point the person in front of me in line turned around and looked at me, and we seemed to have very similar styles. I was too afraid to say anything, and thought it would be weird considering they had only glanced and we were both there for business purposes. They didn't say anything and we both went our separate ways after speaker to staff and getting our necessary files. Such a small interaction left a lingering negativity on my day.

Is there a way to be completely ok with being alone, to the point I do not even have those thoughts? Has anyone here reached it?

 

[StupidCat]

I did. Just get a million solo hobbies to spend your time on.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure if I qualify. I've lived alone over 20 years, worked alone for 7+. I have one or two friends from years back, where we text semi regularly. I talk to my Dad a couple of times a week. This forum is my other source of human contact. Plus, just professional conduct with employers now and again. So, I'm not a total island but, getting there. Over the covid period, asides from delivery drivers, I don't think I saw anyone for around 3 years!

But yes, I am fine alone. I actively avoid being around other people. I think I just learnt that you can't depend on them, so I started to feel it was better to try not to. I'm not sure I'd advocate for that though. I doubt it's all that healthy! But sure, for some people, I think it's possible. I think you need to know yourself whether you need people or not though. I'm lucky in that I don't tend to feel lonely.

 

[FishRain3469]

I felt Every word you said, something I have been dealing/ struggling with for fucking years and I hate it. I wish there was an easy answer to this.

Thanks for sharing this with us, you are Not alone.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I understand how you feel, I've tried in the past to be more accepting of the idea that I am alone am awful lot, when not at work or at a store (ie getting groceries). I did get to a point a few years ago where I was okay being alone [not counting my pets]. However it didn't last particularly long. I ended up relapsing on opiates, my doc. Actually opioids aren't really my doc if I think about it. They are more of my drug of abuse. They served a purpose, but there are other substances, much safer and less harmful that I enjoy more than opiates.

Once I relapsed, any perceived sense of stability instantly crumbled to bits. I lost whatever I'd gained, and found myself incredibly lonely once again. I think this is a particularly interesting question, but also a difficult one to answer as everyone is different. I think it really depends on your own personality and emotions. It may very well be possible, but I can only answer this question for myself. I know at this point I'm okay with myself to an extent, but I also know that I'm generally happier when I'm around others. A few months ago I got clean off opiates again; since then I've been clean 116 days. I've also put effort into meeting others, making new friends and staying connected with the friends I've had who have shown me they care and are worth my time. Not that my time is so valuable or anything. So in short I personally don't think at this point, I could be okay being on my own. I feel like my life lacks purpose, and being alone only compounds that feeling and my self hate.