acceptance

[requiesce]

well... here we are.

after years of battling depression, countless efforts at treatments of different sorts and seeing the people around me endlessly worried because of my mental health, i've finally come to meet my end. i'm glad i can say i tried my absolute best and i am at peace with my decision. the last couple of months have been hell for me; after getting my final blow back in May, i have struggled to find excitement in anything i do, no matter what it is. i completely lack motivation to do anything at all, resulting in me having to force myself to do even the smallest of tasks and eventually resenting everything per consequence. achievements that would have brought me joy in the past, no longer mean anything to me. being a student makes things even harder for me, because not only do i lack energy and motivation to work and study, i also feel guilty for not doing anything. i've wanted to pursue this degree since i was 3 years old, but sadly what was once a person full of passion and idealism to contribute to the world, now is nothing more than an empty wreck full of nothing but guilt and disappointment.

i've been fighting through these feelings that build up every single day for the past few months now, making my life harder day by day. i've always believed strongly in myself, but it's time to let go. planning everything over the last couple of days has finally brought me mental peace, as i don't have to feel guilty anymore for not doing anything. as i said, i've always believed in myself which also meant being open to therapy etc. but frankly, i don't have the energy to go through that whole process again. i hate seeing my loved ones worry about me so much and i don't have any energy left for treatment considering the fact that eventually, it all comes back and i feel even worse every time.

all that's left to do is to figure out how to write notes to my loved ones so that they know that i died very peacefully and that i am in a better place. i know that's not going to change a lot about how they feel when i'm gone, but i at least hope that i can convince them that i have no feelings of resent towards any of them as i appreciate a lot how much they tried to help me. we have collectively all tried our best, but sometimes you have to accept that there simply is nothing left you can do. again, i know that they're never going to be at as much peace as i am, but anything helps and i hope that they won't blame themselves too much in the long term.

that being said, i'll still be around here for a while until i'm ready and i would be very glad to help out people on here. so if anyone needs a talk about anything at all, my dms are always open!

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to be feeling more at peace but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[shame]

well... here we are.

after years of battling depression, countless efforts at treatments of different sorts and seeing the people around me endlessly worried because of my mental health, i've finally come to meet my end. i'm glad i can say i tried my absolute best and i am at peace with my decision. the last couple of months have been hell for me; after getting my final blow back in May, i have struggled to find excitement in anything i do, no matter what it is. i completely lack motivation to do anything at all, resulting in me having to force myself to do even the smallest of tasks and eventually resenting everything per consequence. achievements that would have brought me joy in the past, no longer mean anything to me. being a student makes things even harder for me, because not only do i lack energy and motivation to work and study, i also feel guilty for not doing anything. i've wanted to pursue this degree since i was 3 years old, but sadly what was once a person full of passion and idealism to contribute to the world, now is nothing more than an empty wreck full of nothing but guilt and disappointment.

i've been fighting through these feelings that build up every single day for the past few months now, making my life harder day by day. i've always believed strongly in myself, but it's time to let go. planning everything over the last couple of days has finally brought me mental peace, as i don't have to feel guilty anymore for not doing anything. as i said, i've always believed in myself which also meant being open to therapy etc. but frankly, i don't have the energy to go through that whole process again. i hate seeing my loved ones worry about me so much and i don't have any energy left for treatment considering the fact that eventually, it all comes back and i feel even worse every time.

all that's left to do is to figure out how to write notes to my loved ones so that they know that i died very peacefully and that i am in a better place. i know that's not going to change a lot about how they feel when i'm gone, but i at least hope that i can convince them that i have no feelings of resent towards any of them as i appreciate a lot how much they tried to help me. we have collectively all tried our best, but sometimes you have to accept that there simply is nothing left you can do. again, i know that they're never going to be at as much peace as i am, but anything helps and i hope that they won't blame themselves too much in the long term.

that being said, i'll still be around here for a while until i'm ready and i would be very glad to help out people on here. so if anyone needs a talk about anything at all, my dms are always open!

I don't want to sound annoying, but it seems to me that you underestimate yourself.
Is it really no prospective you see for the future?
What causes the root of your guilt?

It's totally up to you.. but, yeah sometimes life is really difficult. Everyone is unique..
What is your degree? Did you have a purpose of your life in the past?

 

[requiesce]

I don't want to sound annoying, but it seems to me that you underestimate yourself.
Is it really no prospective you see for the future?
What causes the root of your guilt?

It's totally up to you.. but, yeah sometimes life is really difficult. Everyone is unique..
What is your degree? Did you have a purpose of your life in the past?

I study medicine and never had any difficulties at all when it comes to studying, in fact, I was one the top students in my year even while putting in relatively small amounts of work, so I never doubted my actual intelligence or capabilities. My whole purpose in life was to become a doctor and contribute to humanity by innovating so I could leave my mark on medical history and people could benefit off of my work long after I died. That was my whole purpose, rooted in the fact that I have lost multiple close family members due to diseases that couldn't be cured with current medical knowledge. My vision was to prevent that from happening to other people and their families, as I know how much pain this caused. I never doubted my ability to be able to do this.

The problem is that I suffered from a stroke in May of this year and while I have made a good amount of process in recovering, I still have a lot of (cognitive) issues that impair my ability to study etc. Going from being a top student with minimal effort to not being able to study at all, ruined me beyond imagination. My whole life I had envisioned myself as a doctor and that was literally all I wanted in life. That dream was ripped away from me in an instant and now there is nothing left.

My whole life I was the "smart kid" and everyone still looks at me in this way, making it very hard for me to deal with the fact that I really can't do anything anymore.

As for the guilt part, that stems mostly out of me not wanting people to worry about me or even in general just care about me at all. It's very hard for me to talk about feelings in any way, especially when I know that it will hurt others if I do so. My dream is gone and my purpose is lost. I don't want to do anything else in life, rendering my existence useless and full of suffering; my own personal suffering having to deal with my dream being gone and the suffering of the people around me trying to help a man who cannot be helped anymore.