Abuse is a term that needs to be got rid of

[woxihuanni]

'Abuse' is used to describe behaviour that should by rights be criminal because it harms another person, to the extent of destroying or ending their lives. However it is right there along with 'naughty'. Abusers don't face consequences.

If you get caught killing yourself right now because you are abused, you will likely be court ordered to therapy and falsely imprisoned (sectioned). Your abuser won't be. You will possibly be forced to take medication to change how your brain works, though it did not harm anybody else, but your abuser won't be.

There is a systematic gaslighting process that treats victims as being lacking somehow because they ended up getting abused, from said measures to constant pressure by the entire society to take up sick ideologies (mystical delusions) or exercise (why? your problem is being abused, not not being fit?) or taking up new hobbies (what is wrong with the ones I have?).

There is heavy indoctrination about things like self-love and self-worth, which are irrelevant to the subject of the crime committed against a person. It is extremely humiliating to face a steel wall of assumption that you must lack these things, or that having them should make up for being TREATED as worthless. In contrapoint, the abuser clearly lacks those things, but never gets called out on their lack or be pressured and indoctrinated in the same way.

There is much more I could say in this vein and is scattered in my post history, but I wanted to put it out there though it won't change anything.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's a shame how others really miss the mark with their priorities and focus. I've seen everything you described for myself and it makes me upset.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Thank you for speaking. I really relate to all of that. I feel like it helped make my internal gaslighting even worse, which I don't appreciate.

 

[Symbiote]

My therapist at the time quoted, "I don't see it as abuse because you enabled the behavior, and then you didn't tell anyone about it until years later as an adult." It stuck with me for life because I have come to realize that even professionals don't care about what happened to you, they just want you to accept it and move on, no matter how hard it is. "Ah get over it, that's so long ago, they can't hurt you any more." I didn't tell anyone at the time because I thought that shit was normal life, until I became an adult and went away to college that I realize that I'm actually broken.

 

[Lilacmoon]

My therapist at the time quoted, "I don't see it as abuse because you enabled the behavior, and then you didn't tell anyone about it until years later as an adult." It stuck with me for life because I have come to realize that even professionals don't care about what happened to you, they just want you to accept it and move on, no matter how hard it is. "Ah get over it, that's so long ago, they can't hurt you any more." I didn't tell anyone at the time because I thought that shit was normal life, until I became an adult and went away to college that I realize that I'm actually broken.

That therapist needs their eyes clawed out. I'm so sorry. How can that be expected to help anyone?
...Sorry for the violent language, I'm just really upset that this happened :(

 

[woxihuanni]

My therapist at the time quoted, "I don't see it as abuse because you enabled the behavior, and then you didn't tell anyone about it until years later as an adult." It stuck with me for life because I have come to realize that even professionals don't care about what happened to you, they just want you to accept it and move on, no matter how hard it is. "Ah get over it, that's so long ago, they can't hurt you any more." I didn't tell anyone at the time because I thought that shit was normal life, until I became an adult and went away to college that I realize that I'm actually broken.

What sort of cunt was that shrink? That is even more evil than the original crime committed against you!

Thank you for speaking. I really relate to all of that. I feel like it helped make my internal gaslighting even worse, which I don't appreciate.

I am sorry you have been through things to relate.. The gaslighting can cause even more despair than the original suffering.

 

[Symbiote]

That therapist needs their eyes clawed out. I'm so sorry. How can that be expected to help anyone?

I keyed her Lexus that day. That was back in 2005, maybe psychological attitudes were different than they are now. I don't bring that part of my past in therapy much because of fear of being told, "It's your fault, yadda yadda" all over again.

 

[woxihuanni]

I keyed her Lexus that day. That was back in 2005, maybe psychological attitudes were different than they are now. I don't bring that part of my past in therapy much because of fear of being told, "It's your fault, yadda yadda" all over again.

Good on you for the keying. I understand why you wouldn't be able to bear the possibility of it happening again.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's a shame how others really miss the mark with their priorities and focus. I've seen everything you described for myself and it makes me upset.

Sorry that you have been through the same... I am wondering if they are missing the mark or aligning with the 'powerful' in any given situation.

 

[Lilacmoon]

What sort of cunt was that shrink? That is even more evil than the original crime committed against you!


I am sorry you have been through things to relate.. The gaslighting can cause even more despair than the original suffering.

I'm always doubting myself, my emotions, how valid they are... it's a mess, it really is.

 

[Stick]

I'm lucky enough to never have been abused, but hearing about you all in this thread not being taken seriously and not having their abuser blamed makes me sick to my stomach, this world is all kinds of messed up.

"It's your fault, yadda yadda" all over again.

This is just sick. No one should have told you this, it isn't your fault at all.

I'm always doubting myself, my emotions, how valid they are... it's a mess, it really is.

Emotions are always valid, it is only sometimes actions that aren't. I haven't been abused, but that's something I've been talked in my therapy for my anxiety.

It makes me even more sick because my more minor issues get taken seriously when no one caused them, and yet some of you have someone you can point to as a cause and still aren't taken seriously? That isn't fair. You don't deserve that.

 

[woxihuanni]

@Stick, thank you for your empathy and compassion...

It is like you were being beaten and nobody was making a move to even tsk tsk the beater but telling you how bleeding is a failing you have and what you have to do to be unbleedable.

 

[Stick]

@Stick, thank you for your empathy and compassion...

It is like you were being beaten and nobody was making a move to even tsk tsk the beater but telling you how bleeding is a failing you have and what you have to do to be unbleedable.

That's such a great metaphor. It really is ridiculous to pin the blame on you or anyone else who's a victim.

 

[Lilacmoon]

@Stick, thank you for your empathy and compassion...

It is like you were being beaten and nobody was making a move to even tsk tsk the beater but telling you how bleeding is a failing you have and what you have to do to be unbleedable.

I love how you worded that, but it also really hurts too. :(

 

[Symbiote]

It's like if Bystander Effect and Helicoptering had a baby....they won't do anything to help, but have no problem trying to tell you you're doing it wrong or you're lazy for doing it that way. I see people receive compassion and empathy for something this bad, but I know I'm a stranger not meant to share the same human connection that others have. So a lot of toxic shame exists in my realm because of my past. No amount of money can fix that.

 

[Brokensaddle]

I'm still living in abusive situation. It took my local mental health services and social services 3 years to finally believe because my sister told them I was nuts. I had multiple psych evaluation and they still didn't believe me. It was only when I managed to get recordings of my abuse and show them. Then they botched the investigation and I was forced to live with my abusers for another year when I could have gotten rid of them. I'm now left without any therapy or social worker to check up while being threatened by abusive mother and sister. It's worse on because I'm male so people on street think I'm the problem and nobody listens. Under the adult safeguarding report they wrote I'm vulnerable to further abuse but haven't stopped or prevented further abuse from taking place. I wish I dead plan and simple. I faced too much abuse at such young age, it's too much for me. I don't know what happiness is honestly.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's like if Bystander Effect and Helicoptering had a baby....they won't do anything to help, but have no problem trying to tell you you're doing it wrong or you're lazy for doing it that way. I see people receive compassion and empathy for something this bad, but I know I'm a stranger not meant to share the same human connection that others have. So a lot of toxic shame exists in my realm because of my past. No amount of money can fix that.

Yes, so well put!

I'm still living in abusive situation. It took my local mental health services and social services 3 years to finally believe because my sister told them I was nuts. I had multiple psych evaluation and they still didn't believe me. It was only when I managed to get recordings of my abuse and show them. Then they botched the investigation and I was forced to live with my abusers for another year when I could have gotten rid of them. I'm now left without any therapy or social worker to check up while being threatened by abusive mother and sister. It's worse on because I'm male so people on street think I'm the problem and nobody listens. Under the adult safeguarding report they wrote I'm vulnerable to further abuse but haven't stopped or prevented further abuse from taking place. I wish I dead plan and simple. I faced too much abuse at such young age, it's too much for me. I don't know what happiness is honestly.

I wish I could take you out of that place. It is always impossible to get any help when the abuse does not fit the common theme for any reason. In your case, being male. My case is also different than usual, it is lke talking to walls.

 

[Ghost2211]

Things are getting better as far as recognizing abuse as a legitimate crime, and not just physical. Financial psychological and emotional abuse are actually starting to be recognized. I don't know if it made me feel better or worse to have police, a crisis team, my therapist, and the domestic violence line telling me my feelings were valid and what he was trying to do was abusive. Much like you said the concern was still more about my mental state than what was putting me in that state. We can't tell them how afraid we feel sad, hopeless, alone, or terrified. If we actually talk about the emotional state the abuse puts us in then we get put away and they gain even more control. I really think the system needs serious change. There are resources out there to help, but none of them would be preferable situations.

 

[woxihuanni]

Things are getting better as far as recognizing abuse as a legitimate crime, and not just physical. Financial psychological and emotional abuse are actually starting to be recognized. I don't know if it made me feel better or worse to have police, a crisis team, my therapist, and the domestic violence line telling me my feelings were valid and what he was trying to do was abusive. Much like you said the concern was still more about my mental state than what was putting me in that state. We can't tell them how afraid we feel sad, hopeless, alone, or terrified. If we actually talk about the emotional state the abuse puts us in then we get put away and they gain even more control. I really think the system needs serious change. There are resources out there to help, but none of them would be preferable situations.

Precisely. The problem is that more 'awareness' is just make-up on the same steel face. Does it result in the abuser being held to account and the situation resolved for your well-being? No. Is he faced with a psychological evaluation, and the risk of isolation from society if he is not going to change his mindset? No. You, we, are under risk of that.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Your whole post is good because it talks from a perspective that is not often looked at, but this part in particular really stood out:

In contrapoint, the abuser clearly lacks those things, but never gets called out on their lack or be pressured and indoctrinated in the same way.

Exactly. If an individual tries to commit suicide because they are being bullied, for example, then it highlights a flaw in the brain of the abuser not the person being bullied. To put it another way: if disorders such as depression are viewed as malfunctions in the brain that are to be treated - then taking pleasure in hurting others for no reason (abuse) should be seen this way too. Surely it is the bully/abuser that has the "sick" mind and not their victim. Instead of teaching victims to be more "resilient" against abusive behaviour how about teaching abusive people how to not be abusive in the first place?

Reading my own post it feels as if I am repeating a rephrased version of what you originally said so I am sorry, but your post really resonates with me and I believe you have given a refreshing take.

 

[woxihuanni]

Your whole post is good because it talks from a perspective that is not often looked at, but this part in particular really stood out:


Exactly. If an individual tries to commit suicide because they are being bullied, for example, then it highlights a flaw in the brain of the abuser not the person being bullied. To put it another way: if disorders such as depression are viewed as malfunctions in the brain that are to be treated - then taking pleasure in hurting others for no reason (abuse) should be seen this way too. Surely it is the bully/abuser that has the "sick" mind and not their victim. Instead of teaching victims to be more "resilient" against abusive behaviour how about teaching abusive people how to not be abusive in the first place?

Reading my own post it feels as if I am repeating a rephrased version of what you originally said so I am sorry, but your post really resonates with me and I believe you have given a refreshing take.

It is a point so systematically ignored that it is always good to put it in our words. It comforts me that you understand the issue and extend your support. Thank you for being there (as well as everybody who is supportive) in an otherwise lonely, gaslighting world.

 

[262653]

I'd wager it's easier to get away with abuse than with crippling or murdering the abuser. Some ancient Babylonian king said that law (legal code) is supposed to protect the weak from the strong. In practice there are so much things the perpetrators can get away with. Getting away with rape is easier than with mutilation or murder. Physical injuries are relatively easier to trace and to find how it happened. Psychological abuse is much more difficult to trace and sometimes the victim isn't even aware of being attacked.

That's why I think it's extremely important to learn about psychological warfare. About manipulative tricks we humans on each other to advance personal goals. I'm not interacting with people very often, but I'd guess that manipulation is widely used because it's efficient. It's beneficial to use, sometimes subtle (safe) enough to avoid counterattacks, and the attacker is to some extent protected from physical retaliation (legal code; easier to trace and to punish, which might discourage the attacker). Because of that it's important to learn about patterns of manipulative behavior, since it's unlikely that the law will protect you from it.
This is a good place to start, I think.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/#post-570266

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't see how getting rid of the word abuse would improve things. I think I get what you're saying in the post, but if there's no word for what was done, then how does one say it happened? By using the exact words for the crime? Okay, I've been physically and sexually assaulted, and there are more specific terms for each. But then what do I call it when I refer to my mother kicking me out of the house if I refused to comply to her demands under duress? It falls under so many terms, like domestic violence. It doesn't have its own crime-related legal term. Forced self-abandonment of a minor?

I don't understand the value of getting rid of a word that points something being very wrong. Just because people don't want to face it doesn't mean they'll face any other word. If there is no word, then it's truly swept under the rug and everyone gets to go on being fully oblivious. It may not be impactful enough, but it's not impact-less. People reject descriptive legal terms, too.

Also, I get your response to the words self-worth, and self-love, but there's a bigger picture than social engineering rah rah. There is something practical to it. In my own experience, I've worked on and earned my self-respect and self-trust, and therefore self-love and, especially, self-worth, which makes me not a victim, because I do not define myself anymore by what was or is done to me. My self-respect, self-love and self-worth empower me to not accept and to stand up to shit that's unacceptable let alone criminal. The last time I was sexually assaulted, I didn't have a way out of it, but I held on to my self-worth and I stayed aware throughout the whole thing, and I didn't let the perpetrator or the act make me smaller during or after. The experience affected me, it did not lessen me. I left no part of my self or my power behind in that experience, I just didn't have enough power to prevent or stop it. I'm still disgusted and angry about it, just as I was then, but I'm not lost in those feelings -- I own them because they are accurate and they naturally come from me, they do not own me.

I respect you've gone through and continue to go through some major shit. But belittling and devaluing useful/utile terms and wanting to wipe them out because they don't stop abuse and don't put anyone in jail doesn't take away their utility and value.

I'm not devaluing your post. There are stances I disagree with, and there are things that also resonate for me. Yes, I know how victims are treated as if they lack, and the focus gets put on them for that instead of perpetrators. It's bullshit. I don't take that crap, either. Doesn't mean it stops anyone from trying to dump or that my self-value and clarity changes any minds, it usually doesn't, because people don't want to "give" power to those who have been abused and need support or help. They become secondary abusers, that is, enablers. I stand up to them, too, and if they continue, it is not a reflection of me and I don't lose my self-worth. The shit people try to dump on a victim is not a representation of me, so it misses me, and I don't walk around covered in and smelling like shit. If they see me that way, it's not me they see, it's their representation of me. The shit has to do with them. It's a projection.

 

[woxihuanni]

I kindly ask this thread to remain on topic. I will not engage with anything that puts the focus away from the criminal and the fact that they do not get either punished, rehabilitated or socially pressured. Thank you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I kindly ask this thread to remain on topic. I will not engage with anything that puts the focus away from the criminal and the fact that they do not get either punished, rehabilitated or socially pressured. Thank you.

I agree with that primary focus and the tendency (but not universal fact) for criminals to not get punished, rehabilitated or socially pressured. It is frustrating and, for lack of a better word when it feels so much more powerful and immediate, disheartening. Yet social pressure is rising, there is at least that, though I'm not sure to what degree it's playing out in everyday society as I'm removed from that. For all I know, perpetrators are just changing up their games to meet the new atmosphere. Yes, victims still get penalized for standing up for themselves and for speaking out; I don't know if that is decreasing, for the same reason. And it is a crime in itself that criminals are not rehabilitated by the penal system; the system doesn't genuinely focus on rehabilitation but on power over, cruelty and reinforcing the worst in a person.

However I'd like to gently say that there were other focuses in the title and OP as well, and I remained on topic by discussing them. Of course I don't expect you to engage, and of course you don't have to. Had there been a boundary set in the OP about what is and is not okay to focus on in comments, I would have been glad to honor it. Now that the boundary is clear, I will honor it for the rest of the thread.

 

[AutoTap]

I'm great full for not being abused and I feel for you guys who have been or are being abused. I hope your situations get better!

 

[Water-Lily]

'Abuse' is used to describe behaviour that should by rights be criminal because it harms another person, to the extent of destroying or ending their lives. However it is right there along with 'naughty'. Abusers don't face consequences.

If you get caught killing yourself right now because you are abused, you will likely be court ordered to therapy and falsely imprisoned (sectioned). Your abuser won't be. You will possibly be forced to take medication to change how your brain works, though it did not harm anybody else, but your abuser won't be.

There is a systematic gaslighting process that treats victims as being lacking somehow because they ended up getting abused, from said measures to constant pressure by the entire society to take up sick ideologies (mystical delusions) or exercise (why? your problem is being abused, not not being fit?) or taking up new hobbies (what is wrong with the ones I have?).

There is heavy indoctrination about things like self-love and self-worth, which are irrelevant to the subject of the crime committed against a person. It is extremely humiliating to face a steel wall of assumption that you must lack these things, or that having them should make up for being TREATED as worthless. In contrapoint, the abuser clearly lacks those things, but never gets called out on their lack or be pressured and indoctrinated in the same way.

There is much more I could say in this vein and is scattered in my post history, but I wanted to put it out there though it won't change anything.

I really, really feel this. I was admitted to a psych ward because my moms abuse pushed me to that point. And while I was there I felt trapped and alienated. After all of that my mom got no punishment. She never ave me any scars so no need to do anything. She died 2 years ago and it almost feels like she got away with it

because she did

We condemn and look down on victims of abuse, while the abusers are often given light sentence or a slap on the wrist. A child is condemned for saying "mom/dad abused me" while the parent is given the benefit of the doubt in "oh they just love you/angry/they are still your parents you must love and forgive them no matter what"

I feel sorry for children in this society.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

Abuse can change your brain structure, that is what happens with PTSD, and then you are fucked.
If you are still in the same environment as your abusers, that's obviously going to make it worse.
We get punished.
They usually don't.
My foster Dad didn't get punished, even though there was an eye witness.
My biological Dad didn't get punished either.
He got confronted with 37 pages of evidence by a local vigilante group, because he was messaging young girls. His response was basically "So what?"
They asked him to hand over his phone, which he complied with.
A police officer showed up, a female which to me makes it worse. The police officer showed up, saw all the evidence and just GAVE him his phone back and told the group to stop harassing him!
Like, fuck!
You see these sprawling pages of evidence and THAT is your reaction!
I mean, even if she did a cursory background check, she would of seen the court case against him for actually CSA 20 years ago, and the fact the doctor said he should never be around children.
Oh yes, he got away with that too by the way.
It makes my blood boil.

 

[Water-Lily]

Abuse can change your brain structure, that is what happens with PTSD, and then you are fucked.
If you are still in the same environment as your abusers, that's obviously going to make it worse.
We get punished.
They usually don't.
My foster Dad didn't get punished, even though there was an eye witness.
My biological Dad didn't get punished either.
He got confronted with 37 pages of evidence by a local vigilante group, because he was messaging young girls. His response was basically "So what?"
They asked him to hand over his phone, which he complied with.
A police officer showed up, a female which to me makes it worse. The police officer showed up, saw all the evidence and just GAVE him his phone back and told the group to stop harassing him!
Like, fuck!
You see these sprawling pages of evidence and THAT is your reaction!
I mean, even if she did a cursory background check, she would of seen the court case against him for actually CSA 20 years ago, and the fact the doctor said he should never be around children.
Oh yes, he got away with that too by the way.
It makes my blood boil.

I can relate. sometimes I feel so trapped I'm like "let me suicide. oh wait but nobody will care and I'll be labeled as crazy after my death. No HoPe FoR Us" Literals though, abusers rule this world and nobody cares about the victims. We could all die and the world would still be running because it runs on abuse

Precisely. The problem is that more 'awareness' is just make-up on the same steel face. Does it result in the abuser being held to account and the situation resolved for your well-being? No. Is he faced with a psychological evaluation, and the risk of isolation from society if he is not going to change his mindset? No. You, we, are under risk of that.

sadly true. abusers suffer no crimes :(

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I can relate. sometimes I feel so trapped I'm like "let me suicide. oh wait but nobody will care and I'll be labeled as crazy after my death. No HoPe FoR Us" Literals though, abusers rule this world and nobody cares about the victims. We could all die and the world would still be running because it runs on abuse

sadly true. abusers suffer no crimes :(

Exactly!
It is everywhere.
The most powerful people kn the world are in on it.
I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I truly think Jeffrey Epstein was murdered to protect the rest of them.
I mean, Jimmy Saville got away with it for YEARS, even though it was well known.
John Lydon has spoken out against it for years, regarding Jimmy Savile, and nobody listened.
I'm pretty sure he got banned by the BBC for it.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

As I've gotten older, I realize there is no justice. I agree completely with all of you. It is heartbreaking that Woxi suffered so much abuse from the people around her. It happens everyday, behind closed doors, and nobody bats an eye.

I've been abused so much in my life, and I realized no one cares. Your average Joes will victim blame and gaslight you. Therapists and mental health workers are ignorant about trauma and abuse, so their advice is often harmful and does nothing but rub salt into a gaping wound.

Support groups and communities espouse vitriol towards people who say that their treatments didn't help them. Platitudes like, "The trauma wasn't your responsibility, but the healing is" get thrown around often. The whole world is extremely invalidating.

Sometimes their attitudes are born of ignorance, and you can't really blame people with good intentions for living a sheltered life. However, most people I've come across in real life are downright nasty and judgemental if you talk about your experiences with abuse and ptsd.

I suffered so much during my high school years because I had been molested for several months, and was pulled out of school for 2 years, during that time I was locked in a house with abusive family members and only allowed to leave maybe one every couple months. My development stagnated and in some aspects declined, as I was becoming selectively mute/nonverbal.

By the time I went to live with my Foster family at age 16 and went back to school, I was fucked. Everyone at school knew what happened to me, and they believed the abuser because there was no physical evidence/injuries from my sexual abuse. This made my life hell. One teacher in particular thought I was just being lazy and punished me at every turn for missing school due to illness or being unable to speak up because I was terrified of her screaming at me.

This woman has won all sorts of awards and is revered as one of the best teachers my school had ever seen. Why?? She was always protected even when my Foster mother went to advocate for me and told the school staff to stop harassing an autistic child who clearly could not handle being screamed at and accused of things daily. There were no reprocussions.

The cycle has continued, each time I suffered abuse. I was groomed by a much older man, and he was incredibly abusive to me. Even when he struck me with his fist and denied that his best friend tortured and raped me, people believed this guy because he had charisma, and in the culture I lived in, it is common for teenage girls to be groomed by men.

People accused me of lying because I didn't want to go to a hospital, file a "rape kit" and be further violated even though I had visible injuries. I am still furious to this day that grown, 30 and 40 something year old adults defended and enabled this abuse to keep going, especially when they knew I had no way out.

People treat abuse victims like we are the ones who did something wrong. As a child, I was not even cognizant that I was being abused. I thought it wasn't a big deal or I deserved it. Children can't control their circumstances. Yet, people will blame blame blame you anyways for not doing enough to stop it, even when the police and social services in your area DO NOT CARE!

I am gaslit all the time about how a doctor sexually assaulted me as well. The staff at the hospital seemed to think it was funny when I'd panic and start shaking from flashbacks. They wouldn't give me medication to ease any of the tremors or severe agony I was in, because they thought I am overreacting. Only one person, a kind nurse, believed me when I said that a doctor had violated me. She is the only person in the medical field I will ever trust, because she did not try to deny reality or defend his actions.

We are expected to deal with the aftermath of something that permanently alters your brain. There are no drugs you can take, no surgeries that can be performed, that will help such levels of severe complex PTSD. It feels like a death sentence.

People tell you to grow up and get over it, you are an adult now, cope with it, they say. I'd like to see those mother fuckers cope with this!