I have thought about how to describe it but I still don't really know. I have to say that I have some traits of schizotypal personality disorder but don't have the full disorder. That's what my therapist said among other things but we're still in the process of diagnosing.
So, I absorb the narrator in books to the point where I (F19) have had sexist and unruly thoughts about underaged girls seen on the street after reading Houllbeq (he writes such characters often and the narrator describes the thoughts)
Rn I'm reading Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky and I'm having weird thoughts and experiences regarding religion. Had a panic attack yesterday because I felt like one of the peasants who came to a monastery to beg for a blessing.
I had to stop reading Tokarczuk with her magical realism because it was messing with my mind too much.
I often feel like I'm on the edge of disappearing and losing my identity. Like I have to hold onto something not to fly away.
Same with movies. I've been Emma Stone from Poor Things, I've been Nathan Fielder from The Curse (literally was afraid I'm going to fly away like he did), I've been Julianne Moore from May December with pedophilic thoughts again. Felt like I'm in a cartoon after watching the newest Spider man movie.
I sometimes dissociate a bit when there's a lot of hard emotions in my. My vision goes blurry and I just don't feel anything. I was used to it and this was my go-to coping mechanism.
Yesterday I had the biggest dissociation episode ever. I literally felt like a child, like a younger version of me. I was so lost in my body. Why is it so big? When did I get so big? Where's my mom? I was crying and barely even talking. Conscious all the time but couldn't snap out of it for quite a while. I remember all my dissociation episodes and this one was the scariest. Terrifying truly.
What the fuck is happening with me?
So, I absorb the narrator in books to the point where I (F19) have had sexist and unruly thoughts about underaged girls seen on the street after reading Houllbeq (he writes such characters often and the narrator describes the thoughts)
Rn I'm reading Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky and I'm having weird thoughts and experiences regarding religion. Had a panic attack yesterday because I felt like one of the peasants who came to a monastery to beg for a blessing.
I had to stop reading Tokarczuk with her magical realism because it was messing with my mind too much.
I often feel like I'm on the edge of disappearing and losing my identity. Like I have to hold onto something not to fly away.
Same with movies. I've been Emma Stone from Poor Things, I've been Nathan Fielder from The Curse (literally was afraid I'm going to fly away like he did), I've been Julianne Moore from May December with pedophilic thoughts again. Felt like I'm in a cartoon after watching the newest Spider man movie.
I sometimes dissociate a bit when there's a lot of hard emotions in my. My vision goes blurry and I just don't feel anything. I was used to it and this was my go-to coping mechanism.
Yesterday I had the biggest dissociation episode ever. I literally felt like a child, like a younger version of me. I was so lost in my body. Why is it so big? When did I get so big? Where's my mom? I was crying and barely even talking. Conscious all the time but couldn't snap out of it for quite a while. I remember all my dissociation episodes and this one was the scariest. Terrifying truly.
What the fuck is happening with me?
