Story Absolute Mindfuck

[needtogo]

I was scared into getting off remeron by my GP that did not know me (told me the drug was powerful, and that people on it were usually zombies). My anxiety was about school, and but I graduated, thereby losing contact with the psychiatrist who prescribed me them in the first place. So I start coming off, have a sexual issue (dick couldn't get hard). Told him, said I'm healthy, must be anxiety, even though I express I have sexual anxiety. Wait some more time, happens again, get very upset, tell him this is extremely annoying. I'm literally just upset my dick won't work. He prescribed me Xanax, I was a bit confused because I just needed my dick to be hard. He says to wait until I see the psychiatrist I had been waiting for two months to see (he recommended them to me). That was 4 days from then. I ended up taking one Xanax, and my erection came back when I wanked like 3 hours after.

I then see the psychiatrist (who was actually a NP). She asks "why are you here". Kinda a blanket statement. I tell her that I've been having some issues sexually and have been very tired and I'm trying to get off of remeron onto something lower level. She says those experiences are from the med. She says "ok I'll put you on Lexapro". I ask what I should do about the sexual side effects. She says to ignore them. I then say "I waited months to see you precisely because I don't want to". She says that I should not be in private situations with the girl I'm seeing, so I don't think about sex. I find this absurd. I start to get visibly upset. She tells me to take xans every day. And to wait for 3 weeks and reassess. I storm out without asking a question.

I'm pissed. I call my GP, say this person is awful and not listening to me. He agrees to prescribe me viagra. So now I'm not anxious anymore! That's all it took. Just knowing I had viagara. That was it. So I partially follow the nurse's direction. Taper off remeron, onto Lexapro. Have awful experience doing so. End up breaking things off with the girl I'm seeing. Feel physically terrible. Couldn't eat or sleep. A few days later after feeing the worst I'd ever felt, I try to jack off. MY DICK WAS COMPLETELY NUMB AND DIDNT FEEL ANY ORGASM. the literal thing I came to see the nurse about. I look up the side effect of lexapro. Sexual side effects are very common. I didn't know this, because I had told her I don't like to look up all the side effects so I don't fuck with my mind. I call her up. She's like "yea that's the lexapro". I'm furious. My literal only anxiety was sexual and she fucking shut down my whole system. I never knew that could happen. Meanwhile I'm experiencing heavy withdrawals from the remeron, thinking it was from not having enough Lexapro in me.

I get seretonin syndrome, and feel pure feelings of fear and sadness. Days go by and I'm calling every pharmacist and psychologist. They all say "it should be back in two weeks".
several weeks go by and I start to get feeling back. Mind you I was someone who worked out every day and at 4K calories. I was struggling to eat 2k. Terrible insomnia.
All of a sudden I FEEL LIKE IM HAVING AN INTENSElY PAINFUL ORGASM THAT WONT GO AWAY.
12 HOURS STRAIGHT. Imagine being with your parents and feeling this way. We see a urologist, they are clueless And say its prostatitis.
It diminishes a tiny bit, then it comes back. 4 days straight of my dick my taint my pelvis on fire. I'm given gabapentin, induces mild seizure, am unable to sleep for 4 days. Get hospitalized, they sedate me with seroquel and Ativan. Wake me up 5 hours later. I go home.

my mind has gone completely insane at this point. That was 6 weeks ago. It's only gotten worse. With every doctor I see, they misdiagnose me. my sexuality is destroyed. my pelvis is constantly on fire. I can't work out. I HAD WORKED OUT EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST 2 years. Now I can't even do a push-up. It makes it worse and I need to give it time to heal. I can't eat. I have muscle pain and pins and needles all over my body. All I have are the same thoughts over and over throughout the day.
My life was perfect before. I mean I had my struggles. I went from being a social outcast weighing 137 pounds (6'1) to weighing 215 ripped performing in concerts feeling pure confidence. I loved life so much. I was going to move to NYC to become a trainer and pursue music. I had connections in the industry. I was so excited. Now I've lost 20 pounds, and I can't even listen to music. Literally any sense of pleasure invokes a sense of pain. I was a very emotional person always and now I literally just feel pain. And fear and anger and regret.
I'm constantly aware of my dick. All I have are intrusive thoughts.
I always had a few mind, but once that happened with the lexapro, I could no longer thinks about girls/sex. Couldn't touch my dick. I all of a sudden had rules of though imposed on me. Obviously when you're not supposed to think about something you think about it. Especially when it's your sexuality.
I was kind of unaware of my intelligence. And how my brain was working. I now over analyze everything and because of this drug blunder I have created all these thinking pathways that lead to physical pain.
I had very powerful math skills, and had developed relative pitch. I could hear music in my mind, I could hear a song and tell you instantly the chords, the notes in the melody. I had developed these mental skills. But now my mind is fully occupied with all of this shit.
I had crazy lucid dreams every night on remeron, and they were always positive. Now I'm back on remeron, and the dreams are vivid, but I'm scared, so the dreams are fucking messed up. They aren't dreams, they are more simulations. If anyone has been on remeron you'd understand. Indistinguishable from reality.
Was hospitalized again, had to wait 50 hours to see psychiatrist. They eventually let me go a couple days later.

I need to fucking end this shit. Everyone says this is temporary. These drugs initiated something awful in me. How am I supposed to get better if I can't work out, am in fucked up emotional and physical pain, can't sleep, can't eat, and can't think? I've gone to many group therapy sessions, with the CBT and DBT and coping skills. They are futile. All my mind does is relive that it was subconsciously doing similar things prior to this.

THIS IS THE FUCKED UP PART. I ONLY PAYED ATTENTION TO THE BAD THINGS. I DIDNT REALIZE HOW FAR I CAME. And how much everything was tied up to my sexuality. NOW I HAVE NO SEXUALITY. I GO TO PELVIC FLOOR PHYSICAL THERAPY 2 TIMES A WEEK. AKA ME GETTING MY ASS HOLE FINGERED AND STRECHED AND PRESSED REALLY FUCKING HARD
I'm about to go to a "mental health residential program" for what could be several months. I leave in 3 days. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO. NONE OF THE THERAPY WORKS. IT MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE EXPOSED TO THIS SHIT. I HAD WORKED SO FUCKING HARD MY WHOLE LIFE TO GET INTO ONE OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY, I FOUND MYSELF. THE EXACT PERSON I NEEDED TO BE. AND I WAS CONVINCED BY PROFESSIONALS THAT DIDNT KNOW ME THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE THE MEDS I WAS ON. AND MADE ME GO THROUGH THE WORST FUCKING SIDE EFFECTS. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS THIS SHIT. ALL THAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD IS THIS SHIT EVERY DAY. AT NIGHT THE DREAMS ARE NOW ME BEING WATCHED BY PEOPLE. I WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING FREE NOW IM TRAPPED. HOW DO I FIX THIS SHIT? CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE DEATH IS THE ONLY LOGICAL OPTION.

Let me also say that before all of this went down, I was not arrogant and cocky like I sound right now. I literally was just chill and witty. I didn't walk around thinking that I'm the shit. I treated every human being with respect. With kindness. I had no anger towards anyone, except for 2 girls that took advantage of me when I was Fucked up. I gave out free gym advice, I listened, I was there when people needed it. I loved life. I never had gotten into a fight. I befriended every one of my bullies. I chose love. Now I am filled with pure anger and rage and shame and guilt and madness.The old me

 

[k75]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I can't. It's awful how you were treated. You should have been listened to, and they should never have prescribed you drugs with side effects that are exactly what you were trying to treat. I hope you find relief.

This story illustrates why it's so important for everyone to read the literature for any new medication before starting it, no matter what any doctor says. And always advocate for yourself. If something is weird, speak up, question, point out contradictions.

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

 

[Chronicillness]

I skimmed through your post (because I have a throbbing stabbing headache from helland my eyes feel like they're on the verge of exploding) — I can say that I shared a lot of the experiences you had.

Those psychiatric drugs, the neuropleptics and benzos specifically, will make a robust athlete at the peak of his virility: sexually paralyzed, psychotic, anhedonic, hallucinate, suicidal, etc. and in a very short time period. They're poison used to keep you content with the conventional route to (mental/physical) illness treatment. Mental illness, the ones that "require" drugs often have a root cause that has nothing to do with your intrusive thoughts or mind. Most mental illness today is a manifestation of a physical imbalance, chronic infection, sleep apnea, endocrine dysfunction, dysbiosis, and the list goes on and on

The psychiatric dogma of clinical treatmnent only involves drugs and nothing beyond that. It's extremely dangerous and those drugs can create an ALIEN illness that was never present before the psych drugs ever existed.

If you "have" to go to a "mental health resident program", then i'd say run. Protect your right to bodily autonomy. "Mental health resident program" sounds like a torture facility where they rape you further with psychiatric drugs. My advice is to not go. I'm not sure if you're being forced to go, but it just sounds like they are going to forcefully push drugs on you. Polydrugging, like I Said above, is an alienillness that will invoke a barrage of hopeless diseases that have no established etiology.

Run away from that entire situation if you can and ghost all psych "professionals".

 

[needtogo]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I can't. It's awful how you were treated. You should have been listened to, and they should never have prescribed you drugs with side effects that are exactly what you were trying to treat. I hope you find relief.

This story illustrates why it's so important for everyone to read the literature for any new medication before starting it, no matter what any doctor says. And always advocate for yourself. If something is weird, speak up, question, point out contradictions.

Thank you for the kind words. And yes I agree. My issue was I was intentionally steering clear of all literature because I knew my mind would just have a field day with the possibilities. I was used to a psychiatrist who was very thoughtful and thorough and someone who explained the pros and cons. Whats so messed up is that we agreed I would not go on ssris because of the sexual side effects. But with the new nurse, I was just in such a sense of "I want to get off the drug I'm on" that I literally didn't even consider that Lexapro even had side effects. Which is so Fucked because I was so careful about everything I put in my body. Like I stopped drinking caffeine because I thought it might hinder erections. I didn't known "sexual problems" as it says on the handout from the pharmacy meant genital anesthesia and anorgasmia. Didn't know those things even existed.

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Thank you.

 

[k75]

If you "have" to go to a "mental health resident program", then i'd say run. Protect your right to bodily autonomy. "mental health resident program" sounds like a torture facility where they rape you further with psychiatric drugs.

I don't know, I've looked into some residential programs that seemed quite nice, kinda like a vacation. You weren't locked up in a ward but had apartments and activities like horseback riding, along with therapy for your mental illness. I don't know if the one they're going to is like that, but it might be ok.

 

[Chronicillness]

I don't know, I've looked into some residential programs that seemed quite nice, kinda like a vacation. You weren't locked up in a ward but had apartments and activities like horseback riding, along with therapy for your mental illness. I don't know if the one they're going to is like that, but it might be ok.

Right, I can see that, but usually those "nice" ones aren't covered by insurance. So I'm not sure if OP is going to one covered by insurance or a private facility (which would be nicer but they still offer psych drugs and try to convince you that you need them). If OP is going to a insurance covered one then I'd say expect a poor outcome.

 

[needtogo]

I skimmed through your post (because I have a throbbing stabbing headache from helland my eyes feel like they're on the verge of exploding) — I can say that I shared a lot of the experiences you had.

Those psychiatric drugs, the neuropleptics and benzos specifically, will make a robust athlete at the peak of his virility: sexually paralyzed, psychotic, anhedonic, hallucinate, suicidal, etc. and in a very short time period. They're poison used to keep you content with the conventional route to (mental/physical) illness treatment. Mental illness, the ones that "require" drugs often have a root cause that has nothing to do with your intrusive thoughts or mind. Most mental illness today is a manifestation of a physical imbalance, chronic infection, sleep apnea, endocrine dysfunction, dysbiosis, and the list goes on and on

The psychiatric dogma of clinical treatmnent only involves drugs and nothing beyond that. It's extremely dangerous and those drugs can create an ALIEN illness that was never present before the psych drugs ever existed.

If you "have" to go to a "mental health resident program", then i'd say run. Protect your right to bodily autonomy. "Mental health resident program" sounds like a torture facility where they rape you further with psychiatric drugs. My advice is to not go. I'm not sure if you're being forced to go, but it just sounds like they are going to forcefully push drugs on you. Polydrugging, like I Said above, is an alienillness that will invoke a barrage of hopeless diseases that have no established etiology.

Run away from that entire situation if you can and ghost all psych "professionals".

My issue is that my parents are the ones who are sending me there. They have been very supportive throughout this process, but they are under the assumption that I just need to see more professionals and that I don't have the correct skills to manage this yet, and that it will 100% get better. I have no money to my name and no house but theirs, and now I am on remeron again I can't stop without withdrawal. I have logically constructed an argument about why it actually can only get worse, and it's pretty sound. I basically have all these issues going on (not being able to work out, being in constant pain, not being able to sleep, feeling like shit from the drugs, being traumatized by this experience). The problem is that if I try to fix one, they directly impact the improvement of the other (I.e if I excersize, I make my pelvic floor worse, if I try to distract myself with drugs, I'm further building a dependence on them). I now am aware of what the drugs do. The drugs worked when I wasn't considering what they were doing, and when they weren't giving me sexual side effects. Now I'm aware of the fake feeling of happiness. Before when I was on remeron, I was actually happy, so the seratonin increase from remeron was more background noise. When you workout every day like I did you have a constant stream of natural endorphins. Now I know I'm miserable, but sometimes I just start smiling. I can't cry either. I was extremely emotional and empathetic and now I'm miserable and "happy". What's so fucking ironic is that I found out from my doctor that the nurse practitioner misdiagnosed me as having major depressive disorder. I looked up the criteria according to DSM-5. I did not meet those criteria. My tiredness and libido/Ed was caused by the medication. She even admitted it. But she just said I was depressed. I don't believe in any of that shit. Depression/anxiety are just one dimensional terms distilled from multidimensional circumstances for an individual. A cube and a pyramid can have the exact same shadow if looked at from a certain angle, yet they are completely different objects. Psychiatry seems to look at and drug the shadow rather than the construct.

 

[k75]

Right, I can see that, but usually those "nice" ones aren't covered by insurance. So I'm not sure if OP is going to one covered by insurance or a private facility (which would be nicer but they still offer psych drugs and try to convince you that you need them). If OP is going to a insurance covered one then I'd say expect a poor outcome.

It really is sad people are limited in treatment options by how much money they have. It's the reason I can't try ketamine infusions, even though I really think it would help. Too damn expensive.

 

[Zoltiel]

Hey man. Just want to let you know a lot of people here are in a similar boat as you. Everything was going great, and then BAM some random shit like this sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Let me tell you, 3 months ago I was full of life, excited for the future, bulking up at the gym. I would have NEVER imagined I would be here now, getting my supplies ready to CTB.

 

[needtogo]

Right, I can see that, but usually those "nice" ones aren't covered by insurance. So I'm not sure if OP is going to one covered by insurance or a private facility (which would be nicer but they still offer psych drugs and try to convince you that you need them). If OP is going to a insurance covered one then I'd say expect a poor outcome.

It seems that the one I'm going to is more likely going to be a "nicer" one. Insurance isn't gonna be covering all of it. Which makes me feel shitty that my parents have to drain their funds to send me to a place that's gonna make shit worse. But they have no other option. It's this or a psych ward.

 

[needtogo]

Hey man. Just want to let you know a lot of people here are in a similar boat as you. Everything was going great, and then BAM some random shit like this sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Let me tell you, 3 months ago I was full of life, excited for the future, bulking up at the gym. I would have NEVER imagined I would be here now, getting my supplies ready to CTB.

What made you want to CTB if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Chronicillness]

My issue is that my parents are the ones who are sending me there. They have been very supportive throughout this process, but they are under the assumption that I just need to see more professionals and that I don't have the correct skills to manage this yet, and that it will 100% get better. I have no money to my name and no house but theirs, and now I am on remeron again I can't stop without withdrawal. I have logically constructed an argument about why it actually can only get worse, and it's pretty sound. I basically have all these issues going on (not being able to work out, being in constant pain, not being able to sleep, feeling like shit from the drugs, being traumatized by this experience). The problem is that if I try to fix one, they directly impact the improvement of the other (I.e if I excersize, I make my pelvic floor worse, if I try to distract myself with drugs, I'm further building a dependence on them). I now am aware of what the drugs do. The drugs worked when I wasn't considering what they were doing, and when they weren't giving me sexual side effects. Now I'm aware of the fake feeling of happiness. Before when I was on remeron, I was actually happy, so the seratonin increase from remeron was more background noise. When you workout every day like I did you have a constant stream of natural endorphins. Now I know I'm miserable, but sometimes I just start smiling. I can't cry either. I was extremely emotional and empathetic and now I'm miserable and "happy". What's so fucking ironic is that I found out from my doctor that the nurse practitioner misdiagnosed me as having major depressive disorder. I looked up the criteria according to DSM-5. I did not meet those criteria. My tiredness and libido/Ed was caused by the medication. She even admitted it. But she just said I was depressed. I don't believe in any of that shit. Depression/anxiety are just one dimensional terms distilled from multidimensional circumstances for an individual. A cube and a pyramid can have the exact same shadow if looked at from a certain angle, yet they are completely different objects. Psychiatry seems to look at and drug the shadow rather than the construct.

I'm not going to pretend to know what's best for you, I can only base my advice off previous experiences and the experiences of an entire community that has been seriously harmed or permanently maimed by psychiatry. There are numerous people here too who can testify to the dangers and how unequipped we are as a society to deal with drug damage and psychiatric induced disease(s).

I think that you should skip out on the program. Your parents seem loving, so maybe they will understand if you put some more honest emotion into your reasonings to why you are afraid that that "program" might perpetuate a illness that you have no control over. You seem terrified, so I would talk them about how much terror you're already experiencing from the drugs that these "facilities" have already spoon fed you.

You seem intelligent, and you know how psychiatry works, so please, do yourself a favor and ghost that plan for "treatment". All it takes is
ONE dose to make a permanet difference in the way your body operates. In regards to remeron, I'm not sure what to say, you know your body best, you know when the time will be right to do an ultra-slow taper off that drug; I just think that someday when the time is right you should come off it. Healing takes place off those drugs, not on.

And don't ever let some "professional" label you with any psychiatric diagnosis ever again. You know better than them. Good luck to you

It really is sad people are limited in treatment options by how much money they have. It's the reason I can't try ketamine infusions, even though I really think it would help. Too damn expensive.

I had several ketamine infusions (expensive as fuck, criminally expensive I would say). They never lasted, I was depressed days after, it went back to its original severity too. My bladder was also very irritated for weeks afterwards. I know it helps some people in the long-term, so I think that's great.

I think hydroxynorketamine has more therapeutic value with less side effects.

 

[Flippy]

Man that sounds like a tortuous time! :-0 I can't claim to have experienced most of what you have been through but it does have some echos of what happened to me the first time I was prescribed Prozac. The bit you mentioned about rules in particular and not knowing how smart your mind can be made my blood run a little cold! I really wish I had some good advice for you right now but I'm out of ideas! I really hope that something positive will happen to fix this and fast!

 

[needtogo]

Man that sounds like a tortuous time! :-0 I can't claim to have experienced most of what you have been through but it does have some echos of what happened to me the first time I was prescribed Prozac. The bit you mentioned about rules in particular and not knowing how smart your mind can be made my blood run a little cold! I really wish I had some good advice for you right now but I'm out of ideas! I really hope that something positive will happen to fix this and fast!

Thank you!

 

[TAW122]

That really sucks and I'm sorry that the GP and the NP fucked up and really caused a complicated situation to go beyond mindfuck. I can empathize with your reasons for wanting to just end it all. If you are able to sue them or report them for any wrongdoing or damages (including misleading you or something) then I would consider pursuing that option before you go.

 

[needtogo]

That really sucks and I'm sorry that the GP and the NP fucked up and really caused a complicated situation to go beyond mindfuck. I can empathize with your reasons for wanting to just end it all. If you are able to sue them or report them for any wrongdoing or damages (including misleading you or something) then I would consider pursuing that option before you go.

I want to but i feel like it's my word vs theirs. They have notes and are professionals and I'm the insane person. Plus I was the one who didn't read the side effects of lexapro. They did royally fuck me up but I just don't have the preponderance of evidence to prove this is caused by them.

 

[JSauter]

I experienced those 'numb' sexual side effects on a multitude of different SSRIs over a 15 year period. I've been on over 8 different SSRIs over the course of my life. For me, the side effects have all gone away once I stop taking the drug. I've never experienced any burning pain like you describe. I hope your issues resolve.

 

[Flippy]

You know, I don't think I ever read the patient care information when I was first prescribed psych meds. After the way they twisted my brain, I always read the leaflet. I think most people just trust the doctor and take them. I remember trying to explain, feeling quite scared of some of the things I had started to experience, that I felt extremely irritable (besides a fair few things that freaked me out) The doc just said oh hey that's normal keep taking them and it will get better. I was too scared to tell him that I believed the demons were chasing me and Satan was telling me he would possess me. Just told to keep taking them and the side effects would go away. It didn't occur to him to ask if I had any other worrying side effects. So I believed him and off I went little did I know starting to experience a psychotic episode. The next time I was prescribed Prozac I managed 3 days before I was really freaking out again. Like a cat on a hot tin roof. When meds mess you up, they can really royally screw you up. I've never been prescribed Prozac since! They would have to use force! All I can say is I eventually got better when I got the right meds but that experience has etched a deep scar in my mind!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You're scheduled to go tomorrow, is that correct?

In my experience of hospitalization, such programs are going to be a continuation of what you called useless group CBT and DBT (I agree) along with more med changes, whether you're in a program or a psych ward. Programs are more relaxed and focused, but it's all a variation of the same ineffective, disempowering crap.

I'm so sorry that your parents are convinced this will be positive and will somehow fix all that's been done. Is it possible to reason with them that going to the same kinds of doctors, who all use the same solutions, will only exacerbate things? That while you may seem "insane," that the true insanity is in depending upon the same cures that created the issues? You are not insane, it is sane to feel unbalanced cognitively and emotionally in response to psychiatric torture, the mind effs and manipulation.

I suggest that perhaps if you change the focus, they can reframe. For instance, ask them how they would respond if each event happened to them. Walk them through each thing and have them consider how they would be affected and what they would want for themselves. It seems they are making you out to be somehow wrong, lacking in some way, but people have a tendency to view others as wrong and themselves as right, so maybe if they experienced it from their own personal perspectives it could shift their opinions so that they can see that what is wrong is the treatment, not the person being abused by it.

I am so sorry that they and the system have the power in this situation. I hope you can find a way to shift the balance of power in favor of your needs, your rights, and your autonomy.


Edit: Perhaps after all that persuading your parents can see that they're throwing away money to potentially make things worse. If they're averse to gambling, that's exactly what they're doing, and the odds are stacked in favor of the house. If they're into gambling, though, probably best to not use that analogy...

 

[needtogo]

You're scheduled to go tomorrow, is that correct?

In my experience of hospitalization, such programs are going to be a continuation of what you called useless group CBT and DBT (I agree) along with more med changes, whether you're in a program or a psych ward. Programs are more relaxed and focused, but it's all a variation of the same ineffective, disempowering crap.

I'm so sorry that your parents are convinced this will be positive and will somehow fix all that's been done. Is it possible to reason with them that going to the same kinds of doctors, who all use the same solutions, will only exacerbate things? That while you may seem "insane," that the true insanity is in depending upon the same cures that created the issues? You are not insane, it is sane to feel unbalanced cognitively and emotionally in response to psychiatric torture, the mind effs and manipulation.

I suggest that perhaps if you change the focus, they can reframe. For instance, ask them how they would respond if each event happened to them. Walk them through each thing and have them consider how they would be affected and what they would want for themselves. It seems they are making you out to be somehow wrong, lacking in some way, but people have a tendency to view others as wrong and themselves as right, so maybe if they experienced it from their own personal perspectives it could shift their opinions so that they can see that what is wrong is the treatment, not the person being abused by it.

I am so sorry that they and the system have the power in this situation. I hope you can find a way to shift the balance of power in favor of your needs, your rights, and your autonomy.

Yes I'm going to be starting tomorrow morning. And that's what I said from the beginning. I knew my mind and body the most. That's why I wasn't doing therapy. I was my own therapist. I could view my problems from a third person perspective. But the only variable I could not adequately control for was the effects of medication, given my lack of medicinal background. So that's why I had to trust the doctors. But as it devolved they really hammered home that I didn't have the correct skills to deal with the situation. But I did. I had the skills to deal with any situation. It took me my whole life but I was adaptable and understanding and open.
And I knew that the more extraneous and potentially harmful labels introduced to my mind (that is, what OCD is, what intrusive thoughts are, what cognitive behavioral therapy is) the more I would then start to obsess about the labels
themselves, and then question if I had these ailments, and questioned my methods used prior. All this does is sew doubt.
I have gone through one by one my issues and showed how their inherit interdependence hinders net progress. But the issue is not many people can relate to undergoing extreme body transformations, finding courage to perform in front of others, my inherit sensitivity to things, and my unique sexuality. They keep saying this is all temporary. It isn't. My fundamental way of absorbing information now is completely corrupted. I can't use the mindsets I used prior to enhance my function.
They say I just need a new environment, and to do activities to distract myself. All the activities do is demean me and make me realize how much I fucked up. I thought for myself before. I always did. I was always skeptical, never cynical. But because of this botched med situation, I've lost autonomy and am heavily influenced by potential incorrect information. I'm now aware of things that I shouldn't be, and now feel fake from taking the meds.
Everyone has a set of illusions in their mind that make up their mindset. I subconsciously structured mine to allow me to become the super human version of me. And their main power source was my sexuality. My identity. Imagine solar panels. When the sun goes out, you still have some energy stored on grid. I had that energy for maybe 6 weeks. But then that wore off. And I had to find the sun again. Except I'm stuck in the dark, and I need energy to get out. But there's no sun. I was in my own heaven and I let people convince me I wasn't. And now everyone is telling me that illusions I had set up were not good. Except they literally let me feel completely free. They were saying that it wasn't smart to use my sexuality as the core of my illusions.
Sexuality is at the core of people's primal instincts. I knew that as long as i would be alive, I would have my sexuality. The only way it could have been destroyed was from taking a drug that has these side effects. Which are literally only psychiatric meds. And I was luckily on the one med that has virtually no effect on sexuality. But I forgot that was the case. I took the only type of drug that does this in an effort to get off of a drug I was convinced was giving me ED. But it wasn't.

My system was perfect for me because I knew I would never take such a med. But I fucking did. How fucked up is that. With withdrawal from another drug and in the midst of a breakup.
Like how the fuck can people relate? Everyone who says "sex isn't everything" is just sexually frustrated themselves. Like really. It was to me, but I didn't consciously think about it. The whole issue of my state is everything that was background became foreground, and given my horrible state induced by these fucked up drugs, I corrupted my subconscious.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm so sorry you went through all that!

I hear so much self-blame, but from my outside perspective, you were manipulated. That's on the manipulators, not you. You have a pharmaceutical injury. You approached things rationally, you listened to people who have been educated and licensed. You are not to blame for what was done to you.

You have stated things so eloquently throughout this thread, and you know yourself. I am confident you will be able to explain to the doctors at the facility how you were injured, what the effects were, and what you want. You clearly know how to be successful and what baseline you want to return to, they love baselines.

I was once voluntarily in a facility that did not cater to the needs of my unique condition, which cannot be addressed by meds but by the proper therapy. They kicked me out for refusing meds after being made to prove that I was lucid, knew my needs, and was in fact in need of help and not meds. They only wanted to push meds to alleviate the crisis. And the CBT was a joke. In another facility I entered voluntarily, a nationally recognized PTSD program, they kicked me out for complaining about a nurse giving me the wrong meds and for not complying with staff harassment, and a state advocate supported me at the hearing. Again I was lucid and very clear about not accepting the bull I was offered.

So perhaps if you present your case and don't cave to the pressure to voluntarily take meds, they'll kick you out, depending on the program and their protocols. If you try to cbt beforehand and fail, they may force meds, but if you go in voluntarily and refuse meds, you're in a much more powerful position.

Again, so sorry for all you've gone through. I used to really believe in psychology and psychiatry, I too have had much taken by them. They seem to be entrenched now in the culture and offer such hope, maybe even fulfill some hopes for awhile, and then when we wake up to things, they screw us. For me, they made it clear what I needed and how to get it, and then made it impossible to get and pulled baits and switches.

Will be thinking of you and and am visualizing you as strong and firm and able to get through this on your terms, whether they like it or not.

 

[NoDream]

There is an antidepressive medication ( good for ADHD+ADD and to stop smoking ) thats called Bupropion ( Voxra ).

For women at least it boosts the sexuality, kind of restart the sexlife.

The ones you have been taking ( Remeron, Lexapro) are downers, its for people that just wants to sleep all day and night.

Bupropion is an upper, it raises the Dopamin and on a drugtest its going to show positive for amfetamin, but that dosent matter if you have a prescription.

Anyhow, ask if you can try Bupropion, and if its ok, raise the dose slowly up to 300 or 450 mg.

It shouldnt be a problem, its a rather common antidepressant. I have taken it for many years, but unfortunatly it didnt go well together with Gabapentin.

Good Luck!

 

[needtogo]

There is an antidepressive medication ( good for ADHD+ADD and to stop smoking ) thats called Bupropion ( Voxra ).

For women at least it boosts the sexuality, kind of restart the sexlife.

The ones you have been taking ( Remeron, Lexapro) are downers, its for people that just wants to sleep all day and night.

Bupropion is an upper, it raises the Dopamin and on a drugtest its going to show positive for amfetamin, but that dosent matter if you have a prescription.

Anyhow, ask if you can try Bupropion, and if its ok, raise the dose slowly up to 300 or 450 mg.

It shouldnt be a problem, its a rather common antidepressant. I have taken it for many years, but unfortunatly it didnt go well together with Gabapentin.

Good Luck!

My original psychiatrist actually prescribed that to me after I was on remeron for a while and still shit wasn't good. I tried to get the script but my car broke down and forgot to get it afterwards. I was told that could increase anxiety maybe due to its "upper" effect. At this point I'm so worked up idk what the right move is.

 

[Final Escape]

This is why I took myself off most psych meds around age 36. I began to understand that they are drugging me to destroy me not cure me. Instead of actually helping me to overcome childhood they add insult to injury by making me think im mentally ill and it's a permanent situation. This made me fear having kids and I felt I was screwed. Well I really was screwed but I had no idea how corrupt the healthcare industry is until I began to look online before they started censoring so much of what is on the internet. Sorry u had to go through this terrifying ordeal, it's criminal to do this to people. Yet nobody will stop it. Do not go to residential treatment as mentioned above. That would be terrible. We are under attack by the rulers who want to maim and destroy as many of us as possible using the medical system.

 

[MyChoiceToLeave]

I can relate to this situation. I have PSSD too and was strung through the mental health system for decades. I am impressed that you are able to express your ideas so clearly. I can no longer do that. I'm just here to say that I'm sorry that this happened to you.