_Kaira_
This Isn't Fine
- Oct 2, 2020
- 826
I am so sorry for this rant. I'm just so upset right now..
I'm sorry if my thoughts seem everywhere, I can't keep this up anymore.
I live with insanely pro-life people, so I feel under constant fire and stress for my 'negativity'. It's really hard to keep up a façade of happiness when I'm already so miserable. I currently don't have a job and I share a room with someone who works remotely. So we're pretty much together 24/7, and I'm getting so f*cking tired of him! He knows I visit this website, our computers are very close to each other. He doesn't do anything about it unless he saw that I was actively attempting something.. with that being said, when I saw someone was about to CTB, I said something accidentally aloud. That's when he asked me about what, that's when the argument started.
So he said something like "I think that site is dangerous and influences all of you."
I counteracted "No..no one comes on this site unless they already had thoughts of suicide." (excluding the pro-lifers/trolls)
Then he said "Yeah, but you're able to look up methods, and advice, and others tell you it's ok to do it(ctb)."
Thats when I went on a long spiel about how people should be able to have a community and place to go when they have no one else to talk to. About how people should have the right to do what they want with their lives. He said "None of you have ever tried." I got TICKED OFF. It made me so mad, how dare he say something like that? That's when I told him "A lot of us have...I've been on this site for like 2 months."
He decided to say "That's not a long time." like ???? He hasn't even been on here for an hour?? He asked "Why should we let or allow anyone to kill themselves? That would make us bad people." I said "Why not? There's so many people on this world. Why should a few million people have to stay here and suffer for others? Is it a moral thing with you?" He proceeded to say we are all selfish for wasting precious life, that we all have the potential to be better, and that someone would have to clean it up.. I tried to argue that yeah, people die all the time. He wasn't hearing it. He truly believes we're all just sick, broken people, influencing each other to kill ourselves with no attempts at improving our lives at all. Lol. He thinks we should not have access to this site, and get 'real' help.
He then said I'm just a negative person, and that he was starting to agree with my mother in the fact that I'm not actually suicidal and just want to bring others down.... I never even wanted to talk about this sh*t. HE ASKED ME.
For those of you who have read a lot of my post history. You'll know that my family is VERY abusive in all ways. He knows this as well. They should be the last people he ever references...
Like I swear. If I had access to SN or anything reliable right now I would go through with it. I don't see why I have to defend myself and everyone else who gets attacked when they believe the only choice they have is CTB. Why do I have to justify my right to die? I'm so f*cking tired of it! Yes, I am in therapy. Yes I am on some sh*tty meds. Yes I am looking for work. It's not good enough though apparently. I have to be all smiley-smiley all happy-happy. Not a shred of depression and I'm not allowed to share my thoughts with anyone like-minded, otherwise I'm not trying hard enough!! Ugh this is enough to make me go insane.
He then stormed out of the room, saying something about him not being able to give opinions....
Sadly, this was not even our first argument about all this sh*t. I'm so f*cking done, I need out of this hellhole. This is the angriest and most upset I've felt in MONTHS.
I just needed to get this off of my chest. Like it makes me SO FURIOUS when people (especially someone I live with) say we're the f*cked up ones for wanting to CTB....
I'm sorry if my thoughts seem everywhere, I can't keep this up anymore.
I live with insanely pro-life people, so I feel under constant fire and stress for my 'negativity'. It's really hard to keep up a façade of happiness when I'm already so miserable. I currently don't have a job and I share a room with someone who works remotely. So we're pretty much together 24/7, and I'm getting so f*cking tired of him! He knows I visit this website, our computers are very close to each other. He doesn't do anything about it unless he saw that I was actively attempting something.. with that being said, when I saw someone was about to CTB, I said something accidentally aloud. That's when he asked me about what, that's when the argument started.
So he said something like "I think that site is dangerous and influences all of you."
I counteracted "No..no one comes on this site unless they already had thoughts of suicide." (excluding the pro-lifers/trolls)
Then he said "Yeah, but you're able to look up methods, and advice, and others tell you it's ok to do it(ctb)."
Thats when I went on a long spiel about how people should be able to have a community and place to go when they have no one else to talk to. About how people should have the right to do what they want with their lives. He said "None of you have ever tried." I got TICKED OFF. It made me so mad, how dare he say something like that? That's when I told him "A lot of us have...I've been on this site for like 2 months."
He decided to say "That's not a long time." like ???? He hasn't even been on here for an hour?? He asked "Why should we let or allow anyone to kill themselves? That would make us bad people." I said "Why not? There's so many people on this world. Why should a few million people have to stay here and suffer for others? Is it a moral thing with you?" He proceeded to say we are all selfish for wasting precious life, that we all have the potential to be better, and that someone would have to clean it up.. I tried to argue that yeah, people die all the time. He wasn't hearing it. He truly believes we're all just sick, broken people, influencing each other to kill ourselves with no attempts at improving our lives at all. Lol. He thinks we should not have access to this site, and get 'real' help.
He then said I'm just a negative person, and that he was starting to agree with my mother in the fact that I'm not actually suicidal and just want to bring others down.... I never even wanted to talk about this sh*t. HE ASKED ME.
For those of you who have read a lot of my post history. You'll know that my family is VERY abusive in all ways. He knows this as well. They should be the last people he ever references...
Like I swear. If I had access to SN or anything reliable right now I would go through with it. I don't see why I have to defend myself and everyone else who gets attacked when they believe the only choice they have is CTB. Why do I have to justify my right to die? I'm so f*cking tired of it! Yes, I am in therapy. Yes I am on some sh*tty meds. Yes I am looking for work. It's not good enough though apparently. I have to be all smiley-smiley all happy-happy. Not a shred of depression and I'm not allowed to share my thoughts with anyone like-minded, otherwise I'm not trying hard enough!! Ugh this is enough to make me go insane.
He then stormed out of the room, saying something about him not being able to give opinions....
Sadly, this was not even our first argument about all this sh*t. I'm so f*cking done, I need out of this hellhole. This is the angriest and most upset I've felt in MONTHS.
I just needed to get this off of my chest. Like it makes me SO FURIOUS when people (especially someone I live with) say we're the f*cked up ones for wanting to CTB....
Last edited: