LunarLynx
Just a lost spirit searching freedom
- Dec 18, 2023
- 101
Hey !
So it's been a whiiiile!
It's a pretty long thread for people that knew me from this acc or from LynxLunar.
I'll tell a bit about my story. (Lil TW) I'll talk about CTB, love life, SN, car crash, studies, depression, vomit
So let's start,
I've join this form mid December 2023 but I've watch from afar since April of the same year.
I Talked to a lot of people here that helped me a lot to go through some time but couldn't stop my CTB thoughts.
I get my hands on SN, and want to CTB early January with it, I met some lovely people that still inspired me today, we decided to meet each other IRL to have a last time all together and CTB together too
This was maybe one, if not the best moments in my life, we were talking about everything, listening to each other story in a rented place for the occasion. It is a really great memory and I hope they are doing well now.
However after some talk, and the fact I never went to a psychiatrist. They convince me to try therapy before CTB.
So after that event, I went to see a psychiatrist and got antidepressants. They did nothing for me.
In April, I decided to do a "try" of the SN. I decided to take between 1/2 and 2/3 of the lethal dose for my weight.
-- small speech about how I felt and symptoms --
Prior to that : no protocol, just the SN dose, antiemetic and paracetamol. (So it wasn't a real attempt, I just wanted to feel something)
So, after taking SN my heart rate went crazy, I was in my bed and I thought my heart was about to explode. My head was spinning and my SI decided that I needed help. (I lived with roommate) So I went into the living room and knock on my roommate door, after that I passed out on the ground.
I wake up ~15mins later, she's holding onto me and hold my hair and head above a bucket.
After that I vomited non-stop for the next 6 hours. At the end there was nothing in my body and I was still vomiting.
~1h after I passed out, my nails were blue (really, really blue) and during all that time I could move.
When I say that I couldn't move it is literally. I couldn't even ramp on the ground.
Side note : I had a smart watch and my SpO2 was at 63% at the lowest.
My roommate called for a doctor and they came 5h later. They take a bit of my blood to understand but it was so much later that they didn't found anything related to SN.
-- end how I felt --
After that, I was still suicidal but didn't really attempt anything. (At least anything willingly)
In September I moved again to a place 900km from where I was, knowing no one.
In September I was at my lowest ever before and decided "if I feel the same in January, I'll do something"
Nothing change for 2 month, I created LynxLunar to speak again with people here.
At the same period I met a girl online, we were really close and liked each other a lot.
After only a month of talking, she told me that she wanted to me, as a joke I said "sure, come for 2 weeks" and she came.
It was a really amazing moment, we were talking all the time, we were in love like nothing before. At least I was.
After the 2 weeks she goes back to her place, ATP we are a couple and we have a small talk. She tell me it was great, I tell the same but we have a huge argument a few days later over something really stupid, I don't even remember what but we stop talking after that.
I was at rock bottom, it was January, time to do it.
I take my car, go on a long 4h drive and, in the middle of nowhere I decide to drive off a montain, 90km/h (56mph)
7 roll from the car, 30-40m down, vehicle upside-down and me inside, not a single thing, fully conscious. (Airbags were off and no seatbelt)
In the process, I lost my phone and everything, I break a window with my elbow to get out of the car and just wait, looking around me, thinking about life.
Is everything I've done in life made me come to this point ?
After that I go and find a way to call an ambulance, but no phone so I wait for a car to stop but not a soul did.
After more than 1h, I walked without shoes to a bus stop to finally have someone call for help after that.
Quick 1 week skip, after all the checkup to see if my body was okay, I was send to a closed psychiatric clinic. Met a lot of people, went though multiple month and multiple antidepressants. Still nothing is working atp.
I am now redoing my year for "medical reasons, I hate my degree, have no real friend where I am and no way to help me cope, alcohol doesn't work, I don't want to do drug, love / hookup doesn't help...
I have no idea of what to do but hey, Here I am !
Thank you for reading all that, If you have any questions feel free :) have a good day everyone!
Lot of Love
So it's been a whiiiile!
It's a pretty long thread for people that knew me from this acc or from LynxLunar.
I'll tell a bit about my story. (Lil TW) I'll talk about CTB, love life, SN, car crash, studies, depression, vomit
So let's start,
I've join this form mid December 2023 but I've watch from afar since April of the same year.
I Talked to a lot of people here that helped me a lot to go through some time but couldn't stop my CTB thoughts.
I get my hands on SN, and want to CTB early January with it, I met some lovely people that still inspired me today, we decided to meet each other IRL to have a last time all together and CTB together too
This was maybe one, if not the best moments in my life, we were talking about everything, listening to each other story in a rented place for the occasion. It is a really great memory and I hope they are doing well now.
However after some talk, and the fact I never went to a psychiatrist. They convince me to try therapy before CTB.
So after that event, I went to see a psychiatrist and got antidepressants. They did nothing for me.
In April, I decided to do a "try" of the SN. I decided to take between 1/2 and 2/3 of the lethal dose for my weight.
-- small speech about how I felt and symptoms --
Prior to that : no protocol, just the SN dose, antiemetic and paracetamol. (So it wasn't a real attempt, I just wanted to feel something)
So, after taking SN my heart rate went crazy, I was in my bed and I thought my heart was about to explode. My head was spinning and my SI decided that I needed help. (I lived with roommate) So I went into the living room and knock on my roommate door, after that I passed out on the ground.
I wake up ~15mins later, she's holding onto me and hold my hair and head above a bucket.
After that I vomited non-stop for the next 6 hours. At the end there was nothing in my body and I was still vomiting.
~1h after I passed out, my nails were blue (really, really blue) and during all that time I could move.
When I say that I couldn't move it is literally. I couldn't even ramp on the ground.
Side note : I had a smart watch and my SpO2 was at 63% at the lowest.
My roommate called for a doctor and they came 5h later. They take a bit of my blood to understand but it was so much later that they didn't found anything related to SN.
-- end how I felt --
After that, I was still suicidal but didn't really attempt anything. (At least anything willingly)
In September I moved again to a place 900km from where I was, knowing no one.
In September I was at my lowest ever before and decided "if I feel the same in January, I'll do something"
Nothing change for 2 month, I created LynxLunar to speak again with people here.
At the same period I met a girl online, we were really close and liked each other a lot.
After only a month of talking, she told me that she wanted to me, as a joke I said "sure, come for 2 weeks" and she came.
It was a really amazing moment, we were talking all the time, we were in love like nothing before. At least I was.
After the 2 weeks she goes back to her place, ATP we are a couple and we have a small talk. She tell me it was great, I tell the same but we have a huge argument a few days later over something really stupid, I don't even remember what but we stop talking after that.
I was at rock bottom, it was January, time to do it.
I take my car, go on a long 4h drive and, in the middle of nowhere I decide to drive off a montain, 90km/h (56mph)
7 roll from the car, 30-40m down, vehicle upside-down and me inside, not a single thing, fully conscious. (Airbags were off and no seatbelt)
In the process, I lost my phone and everything, I break a window with my elbow to get out of the car and just wait, looking around me, thinking about life.
Is everything I've done in life made me come to this point ?
After that I go and find a way to call an ambulance, but no phone so I wait for a car to stop but not a soul did.
After more than 1h, I walked without shoes to a bus stop to finally have someone call for help after that.
Quick 1 week skip, after all the checkup to see if my body was okay, I was send to a closed psychiatric clinic. Met a lot of people, went though multiple month and multiple antidepressants. Still nothing is working atp.
I am now redoing my year for "medical reasons, I hate my degree, have no real friend where I am and no way to help me cope, alcohol doesn't work, I don't want to do drug, love / hookup doesn't help...
I have no idea of what to do but hey, Here I am !
Thank you for reading all that, If you have any questions feel free :) have a good day everyone!
Lot of Love
