Venting abandonment affecting everything

[frail]

i think the biggest influence in my anguish for most of my life has been my abandonment issues. im 24 now but im still feeling haunted by being cut off in my life from people i was very close to, repeatedly. its a little pathetic to type out the details. but it has devastatingly warped my view of other people, and my idea of how they see me.

im left with a permanent fear that the people around me will throw me away if i ever disappoint or let them down once. my entire world feels like its collapsing on itself whenever im told i did something wrong, and that ill be alone when i make a mistake. this stems from a few events when i was a teenager i think, mainly when i was 13, and again when i was 16. both involve intimacy, and the outcomes of these events have left me with this unending void that my worth to others can only be defined in desire. if i am not desired, i am not worth it, if i am not worth it, then i have no use. but, because of this.. whenever someone does desire me, i drop all responsibilities in my life, and all other connections in my life, to pursue this person. this has wrecked multiple relationships of mine, and i dont know how to deal with it.

this leaves me in a strange position now where i have friends, but i feel empty around them constantly. im under the constant paranoia they will drop me if they ever learn about the horrible things ive done to people in the past, and that there is no repenting besides ctb. ive tried starting dbt therapy but im only a couple weeks in, so its too difficult to gauge if it will help.

has anybody else here experienced any of these feelings? ive yet to meet another person that has, which has just left me feeling even more alien to everybody ive met.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I've known several people throughout my life who have, the similarities are remarkable, and they were also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It sounds like you're on the right track with the dbt therapy, just do the best you can with it, make a promise to yourself to not repeat past mistakes, and try to trust the process.

 

[frail]

cont. it feels so cruel. i have a neverending hunger for attention from people that find me desirable, and in the past ive engaged in horribly reckless behavior to satisfy that hunger. im manic and euphoric when feeling chased, but when im alone i feel like i have no use to this world, or that my use has run out. i cannot quiet these thoughts, and they persist so loudly that its impossible to ignore. the longer i am by myself the more i want to escape it all. i cannot really identify if my desire to be seen is an escape from my thoughts, or a foul attempt at proving my thoughts incorrect. none of it makes sense, but the ache just increases.

I've known several people throughout my life who have, the similarities are remarkable, and they were also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It sounds like you're on the right track with the dbt therapy, just do the best you can with it, make a promise to yourself to not repeat past mistakes, and try to trust the process.

ive done my best to avoid repeating past mistakes for the most part, but the guilt of it feels inescapable constantly. its hard to not feel less than everyone else when bearing this weight all the time, or feeling like i cannot reveal it to anyone or else they'll leave. i will continue my dbt, its very early into it so only time will tell what it will do for me

 

[weallhaveourghosts]

I sort of understand. I want to be wanted not just when I'm in crisis but like everyday like sort of deal and want people to reach out to me and ask me to do things and not be the constant initiator and not feel like I could easily fade away if I didn't constantly speak up.

 

[Arvayn]

Being abruptly abandoned by my partner while I was already going through a period of crisis made me break down completely. It was very sudden, too. One day, everything is fine; the very next day, poof. It completely disintegrated my personhood and left me a husk of my former self. At one point, it got so bad that I became psychotic and my psychologist even described me as undergoing a "post-traumatic identity reconstruction". Abandonment quite literally killed who I used to be.
If somebody compared my behavior and personality from 2 years ago to how I am now, the difference would be night and day.

I used to be a very deeply affectionate person that loved with all of my heart. Nowadays, I am very monotone and distant. Relationships can be more dangerous than people give them credit for, especially in my circumstance where I was happy and I didn't even know the other person was not.

In my case, I sort of just embraced the changes. I now derive my satisfaction from hobbies and study instead of socializing. Life feels number and more dull, but it's not tormenting. You have it much worse than me.