ABadPerson
something's off | internet black goop
- Oct 24, 2025
- 76
Life seems hollow. Voided.
Can you say that you enjoy life, in any capacity? That it's not life itself, but just your specific circumstances that are just the issue. I don't think I can say the same, you know? It just hurts, nothing makes sense. I look back on it all, and all I really see is how horrible it all seems; and how sickening it is to simply exist. I'm not sure anymore, what have I doing all this for? Why?
I'm just alone. I don't even have anyone who'd pretend to be my support system. It hurts, I'm trying to see the positives of life but it all just hurts, I hate normalcy it doesn't at all suit me, I can't stand the fakeness of the people I meet in real life, they act so alien to me. I can't be the strange one, or am I? I can't even tell, people feel so complicated and confusing I struggle to believe it's in any way genuine; I can't understand someone unless it is such a deep connection I am forced to yet in those deep connections I realise how horrible I affect others. I seem utterly broken, so utterly broken; I genuinely care about nothing currently outside of this: I don't care about material goods, I hardly can even entertain myself without feeling frustrated, it feels sickening to my stomach to fucking do any of this shit anymore; what would I enjoy it for? Fuck all if I know, my mind hurts just trying to think of something I would even want to do as there is absolutely fucking nothing. Love? I tried, I just don't feel much when I'm not truly being myself, someone can love me with all their heart yet placing a mask over me gets so tiring that I just start to dislike every moment of it. Hobbies? I've had so many, tried so many, continue to try so many yet nothing sticks; the very few I still do just seem like another task at this point, something I am 'obligated' to do. It's not me not having found my 'interests' I just don't have any real ones which distract me in any meaningful way. Achievements? I have had so many from first place prizes in sports to high academics, but nothing fucking matters when I don't feel at all human, each time I gotten praise from school, or got a high place in a competition I would come home to my mother severely beating me and calling me a waste of a human being, a devil's spawn, a disgusting shit etc, sometimes hitting me with different items laying around just to vent her frustrations out. Can I even blame her? We was homeless/living in council housing due to my existence, I ruined her life by being born and she had to turn to drugs, who wouldn't hate their kid for that? Especially one who was born from their severe abuser, I can understand it, but it still utterly warped my perception on all these 'achievements', they brought nothing but pain into my life. Why would I care to achieve something, why would I be proud over any of this? Stop fucking projecting your own feelings and thoughts onto me, I don't fucking care about 'the high life', some fucking 'legacy', any shitty 'pride' holy shit. Why would I care? Who am I doing this for, because it's certainly not myself. People sit on their high horse, acting as though their views on when someone should or shouldn't be depressed is most ideal, how about I tell you to go fuck yourself? I can't stand anyone like this, how easily they project their own insecurities onto others and just expect them to follow the same structure, fuck you. I don't care about the vast majority of societal expectations on what makes a fulfilling life, none of that means anything. Genuine, utterly genuine, I feel NOTHING about any of this, you can say whatever you want about how if your circumstances changed you could be so much happier and I will understand that and care for you but don't fucking project that onto me, nothing about whatb you believe matters to what I perceive, I get no dopamine, no bliss, no 'happiness' it is physically impossible for these things to get my any amount of joy, why is it so hard to understand? None of your thoughts on what you think is ideal mean anything to me, I don't care about any of it, I just want one simple thing and it's impossible. Utterly impossible no matter what kind of life I had lived or what kind of people I have met, so i would rather just die than live such an utterly pointless and meaningless existence, only then will I genuinely be free, as 'I' will be gone. I am the problem, I'm realising it so badly right now, It's just me. I don't fit into this society, this world, this insufferable existence; not my body, not my mind but 'I', whatever 'I' am. I'm just trapped, constantly and consistently trapped and suffering each and every moment I am alive. My wish is too selfish for me to exist, so I must die, I hurt everyone around me anyways, I am so utterly fake it hurts, my mind hurts, my brain fucking hurts, oh fucking hell. It's like a genuine aneurysm typing this right now. 5:35 in the morning as I type this specific sentence with no sleep, holy shit what am I even doing?
It hurts less now, 5:38. I think I'm much more calm but I'll just leave that block of text the way it is; anyways I guess I have been very vague in the majority of my posts on specifically on what is the only thing I want, right? I think I explained it on one post, but it was still pretty much skimming along the edges.
I just want to feel seen by one person. Not one person being the minimum but exactly one. Just one, that I can expose all my ugly flaws to and know they will still stay; love? Not really, it could be just about any form of relations. I just want to know that I won't hurt them, that I'm not going to make them worse off, that I know I can genuinely exist in the presence of someone and not have to watch them fall apart due to me. That's the meaning to my user handle, I just want to know I'm not so inherently wrong.
Not inherently 'a bad person'.
Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is, I'm literally mentally ill, of course it is.
I'm so lonely, it hurts.
6am on a work and uni night yet I haven't slept lol, how embarrassing for a 20 year old.
Can you say that you enjoy life, in any capacity? That it's not life itself, but just your specific circumstances that are just the issue. I don't think I can say the same, you know? It just hurts, nothing makes sense. I look back on it all, and all I really see is how horrible it all seems; and how sickening it is to simply exist. I'm not sure anymore, what have I doing all this for? Why?
I'm just alone. I don't even have anyone who'd pretend to be my support system. It hurts, I'm trying to see the positives of life but it all just hurts, I hate normalcy it doesn't at all suit me, I can't stand the fakeness of the people I meet in real life, they act so alien to me. I can't be the strange one, or am I? I can't even tell, people feel so complicated and confusing I struggle to believe it's in any way genuine; I can't understand someone unless it is such a deep connection I am forced to yet in those deep connections I realise how horrible I affect others. I seem utterly broken, so utterly broken; I genuinely care about nothing currently outside of this: I don't care about material goods, I hardly can even entertain myself without feeling frustrated, it feels sickening to my stomach to fucking do any of this shit anymore; what would I enjoy it for? Fuck all if I know, my mind hurts just trying to think of something I would even want to do as there is absolutely fucking nothing. Love? I tried, I just don't feel much when I'm not truly being myself, someone can love me with all their heart yet placing a mask over me gets so tiring that I just start to dislike every moment of it. Hobbies? I've had so many, tried so many, continue to try so many yet nothing sticks; the very few I still do just seem like another task at this point, something I am 'obligated' to do. It's not me not having found my 'interests' I just don't have any real ones which distract me in any meaningful way. Achievements? I have had so many from first place prizes in sports to high academics, but nothing fucking matters when I don't feel at all human, each time I gotten praise from school, or got a high place in a competition I would come home to my mother severely beating me and calling me a waste of a human being, a devil's spawn, a disgusting shit etc, sometimes hitting me with different items laying around just to vent her frustrations out. Can I even blame her? We was homeless/living in council housing due to my existence, I ruined her life by being born and she had to turn to drugs, who wouldn't hate their kid for that? Especially one who was born from their severe abuser, I can understand it, but it still utterly warped my perception on all these 'achievements', they brought nothing but pain into my life. Why would I care to achieve something, why would I be proud over any of this? Stop fucking projecting your own feelings and thoughts onto me, I don't fucking care about 'the high life', some fucking 'legacy', any shitty 'pride' holy shit. Why would I care? Who am I doing this for, because it's certainly not myself. People sit on their high horse, acting as though their views on when someone should or shouldn't be depressed is most ideal, how about I tell you to go fuck yourself? I can't stand anyone like this, how easily they project their own insecurities onto others and just expect them to follow the same structure, fuck you. I don't care about the vast majority of societal expectations on what makes a fulfilling life, none of that means anything. Genuine, utterly genuine, I feel NOTHING about any of this, you can say whatever you want about how if your circumstances changed you could be so much happier and I will understand that and care for you but don't fucking project that onto me, nothing about whatb you believe matters to what I perceive, I get no dopamine, no bliss, no 'happiness' it is physically impossible for these things to get my any amount of joy, why is it so hard to understand? None of your thoughts on what you think is ideal mean anything to me, I don't care about any of it, I just want one simple thing and it's impossible. Utterly impossible no matter what kind of life I had lived or what kind of people I have met, so i would rather just die than live such an utterly pointless and meaningless existence, only then will I genuinely be free, as 'I' will be gone. I am the problem, I'm realising it so badly right now, It's just me. I don't fit into this society, this world, this insufferable existence; not my body, not my mind but 'I', whatever 'I' am. I'm just trapped, constantly and consistently trapped and suffering each and every moment I am alive. My wish is too selfish for me to exist, so I must die, I hurt everyone around me anyways, I am so utterly fake it hurts, my mind hurts, my brain fucking hurts, oh fucking hell. It's like a genuine aneurysm typing this right now. 5:35 in the morning as I type this specific sentence with no sleep, holy shit what am I even doing?
It hurts less now, 5:38. I think I'm much more calm but I'll just leave that block of text the way it is; anyways I guess I have been very vague in the majority of my posts on specifically on what is the only thing I want, right? I think I explained it on one post, but it was still pretty much skimming along the edges.
I just want to feel seen by one person. Not one person being the minimum but exactly one. Just one, that I can expose all my ugly flaws to and know they will still stay; love? Not really, it could be just about any form of relations. I just want to know that I won't hurt them, that I'm not going to make them worse off, that I know I can genuinely exist in the presence of someone and not have to watch them fall apart due to me. That's the meaning to my user handle, I just want to know I'm not so inherently wrong.
Not inherently 'a bad person'.
Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is, I'm literally mentally ill, of course it is.
I'm so lonely, it hurts.
6am on a work and uni night yet I haven't slept lol, how embarrassing for a 20 year old.
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