Nihil
Student
- Mar 4, 2019
- 111
A year ago, my whole life blew up. Lost my partner, lost my job, lost the majority of my possessions, lost my home, got treated like an animal, dealt with threat of homelessness repeatedly, saw my terminally-ill grandfather suffocate to death from COPD, saw him be cremated, aborted and attempted various suicide attempts, was forced back into the closet being trapped with right-wing religious conservatives (still am), diagnosed with major depression, and almost got involuntarily committed. I have never felt so hopeless, helpless, purposeless, and suicidal as I have felt in the past year.
And yet, over the past month, I've obtained employment at the top of a skyscraper at a luxurious place to work at. I was able to even buy my own car. I don't make enough to move out, but I'm more independent and am slowly rebuilding. In time, I hope to become completely self-reliant. But all my focus this past year has been on just trying to stay alive, and fighting or giving into my suicidal ideation and depression. Battle of life or death, over and over.
Everyone around me is so happy that I have employment again, bought my own car, and in their eyes, am doing so much better now that I have a job and am making money (just $15 an hour 37.5 hours a week). Backwards relatives also found out I'm trans because redneck uncle decided to grab at my chest and shouted I have boobs. They still let me live with them, but I'm not allowed to dress or act female around them whatsoever as long as I live with them. Failure to comply results in homelessness. Still stuck in the closet, and going through the motions of everyday life of the "American Dream" while never feeling more dead inside than I do now.
Never really lived. Never got to truly live as a woman. Will never get to be a mother. Will never get to know what it's like to grow up as female and to be treated like a normal human being. The more I act as a lie and as my male disguise, the more my life improves socioeconomically and the happier everyone else is. Try to be myself, and massive discrimination, poverty, and psychological abuse await me. I'm rewarded for being nothing, and punished severely for being me. I'm 26 and have been on HRT since 2015. Still have to socially and legally live as male to stay alive. I've played six games of Russian roulette, and am still somehow fucking alive. Of those six games, two were with three bullets evenly spaced apart for 50/50 shots. First 50/50 shot would have killed me if I had actually pulled the trigger. Second 50/50 shot, I pulled the trigger, and lived. And, I had the most terrifying nightmare last night of being forced to play Russian roulette against my will by a group of thugs. When I pulled the trigger, I heard and felt the blast, immediately waking up panting. I haven't played that game for a while now though, and it…haunts me in some weird, fucked up way.
I thought with the job and making money and buying my own car, it could help improve my mental health somewhat from a socioeconomic standpoint. The truth though is, the suicidal ideation is still there, and sneaks up on me whenever it decides to. I can't control it save for letting it play through my head. And while at work today, I had visual hallucinations of silhouettes of people jumping out the windows. Even though I don't want to die from jumping (a lot more scary to me than having a loaded gun pointed at my head), some small part of me wants to go that way. Also had a lot of brain fog and confusion today. I don't know. Maybe it's the one year anniversary that I'm such a mess? Or do I have PTSD? I know nightmares are a normal recurrence for me, but I just don't truly know anymore. I don't know why I'm even writing this. Even though I'm in the second-highest building in my state near the top of the tower, I've never felt more alone, depressed, and despondent. I have never existed. As long as I am nothing, as long as I am Nihil, I can survive. But if I ever show my true self, if I am ever [redacted], my life will fall apart all over again. Is it better to be Nihil and keep fighting to be nothing? Or is it better to give into my suicidal ideation and just die? I don't…I just don't know.
And yet, over the past month, I've obtained employment at the top of a skyscraper at a luxurious place to work at. I was able to even buy my own car. I don't make enough to move out, but I'm more independent and am slowly rebuilding. In time, I hope to become completely self-reliant. But all my focus this past year has been on just trying to stay alive, and fighting or giving into my suicidal ideation and depression. Battle of life or death, over and over.
Everyone around me is so happy that I have employment again, bought my own car, and in their eyes, am doing so much better now that I have a job and am making money (just $15 an hour 37.5 hours a week). Backwards relatives also found out I'm trans because redneck uncle decided to grab at my chest and shouted I have boobs. They still let me live with them, but I'm not allowed to dress or act female around them whatsoever as long as I live with them. Failure to comply results in homelessness. Still stuck in the closet, and going through the motions of everyday life of the "American Dream" while never feeling more dead inside than I do now.
Never really lived. Never got to truly live as a woman. Will never get to be a mother. Will never get to know what it's like to grow up as female and to be treated like a normal human being. The more I act as a lie and as my male disguise, the more my life improves socioeconomically and the happier everyone else is. Try to be myself, and massive discrimination, poverty, and psychological abuse await me. I'm rewarded for being nothing, and punished severely for being me. I'm 26 and have been on HRT since 2015. Still have to socially and legally live as male to stay alive. I've played six games of Russian roulette, and am still somehow fucking alive. Of those six games, two were with three bullets evenly spaced apart for 50/50 shots. First 50/50 shot would have killed me if I had actually pulled the trigger. Second 50/50 shot, I pulled the trigger, and lived. And, I had the most terrifying nightmare last night of being forced to play Russian roulette against my will by a group of thugs. When I pulled the trigger, I heard and felt the blast, immediately waking up panting. I haven't played that game for a while now though, and it…haunts me in some weird, fucked up way.
I thought with the job and making money and buying my own car, it could help improve my mental health somewhat from a socioeconomic standpoint. The truth though is, the suicidal ideation is still there, and sneaks up on me whenever it decides to. I can't control it save for letting it play through my head. And while at work today, I had visual hallucinations of silhouettes of people jumping out the windows. Even though I don't want to die from jumping (a lot more scary to me than having a loaded gun pointed at my head), some small part of me wants to go that way. Also had a lot of brain fog and confusion today. I don't know. Maybe it's the one year anniversary that I'm such a mess? Or do I have PTSD? I know nightmares are a normal recurrence for me, but I just don't truly know anymore. I don't know why I'm even writing this. Even though I'm in the second-highest building in my state near the top of the tower, I've never felt more alone, depressed, and despondent. I have never existed. As long as I am nothing, as long as I am Nihil, I can survive. But if I ever show my true self, if I am ever [redacted], my life will fall apart all over again. Is it better to be Nihil and keep fighting to be nothing? Or is it better to give into my suicidal ideation and just die? I don't…I just don't know.
