A very tough life.

[Dino_flower]

I have a lot to say in this thread, I hope this reaches someone atleast those who are my intended audience.

A lot happened within an year, it's almost unbelievable. I learned a lot and realized many, many things that I'm not sure how to feel about. Keeping this in mind, I want to apologize sincerely to those who I may have hurt with my misguided and blunt words in my previous thread. Although a few things about myself remain the same, my 'disliking' for those groups of people was again, misguided and ignorant. I took the entirety of last year to learn more about people and their experiences.

This guilt is a heavy one, the guilt of being an awful and very bemused person. I have diagnosed adhd and I misunderstand everything in existence. With my awful articulation, my thoughts are lost in translation and come off very wrongly so it is understandable that many might be upset with my previous post. Regardless, I'm very sorry for what I've said and I hope I can be forgiven although I'm content with a different response.

Aside from this apology, I have a variety of things to discuss related to suicide, hence the category.

An year back, I started getting into literature and philosophy and everything started to make sense, even the things that I didn't want to understand. However, this coping mechanism got worse with time and made me more suicidal and depressed. This happened for many reasons but I won't be discussing them here. I have mentioned that I live in a physically and verbally abusive household, with a family that hates me so it truly pushes me to harm myself because this is the only things that brings meaning to my existence. I know I don't actually want to die but this agonizing loneliness and abuse, this apathy from the general crowd and even those who I call my friends has started to convince me to end it. I had dreams of becoming someone in my life, especially of leaving my cursed family. But I don't have words to describe my pain, my heart and stomach physically aches as I think of it, I want to throw up. This is also an off-topic reminder on why you shouldn't take idiots seriously when they say something foolish because they're likely losers of my kind behind the screen.

It's awful how you cannot truly know exactly what a person is feeling, be it pain or joy. I'm at a loss for words when it comes to describing my pain. I'm sure many of you know how it is to be trapped in a world where no one will ever care about you, while also being torn apart. Having no support system while being abused is worse than a nightmare. Most of the times I have to smash my head into a wall to cope with the burning pain that I get after taking my abuser's abuse or resort to more traditional methods of stabbing my wrists. I can't keep doing this, physical pain on top of all this is not something I want to deal with. This website is the only place where I can reveal this freely without judgement and toxic positivity. I just wish I didn't have to exist. My mistakes wouldn't count, my efforts wouldn't count, my pain would be non-existent. I would be nothing and that is most ideal. If it gets to the point where I end it all, please let me know some easy and 'painless' methods to die quickly. It will be appreciated.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

First off, I get this. Hell, a lot of people here probably do. It sucks to be abused and then in turn abuse yourself, but know you're definitely not alone in feeling like this. But it's not completely your fault. Circumstances have made you this way and you're stuck in a shitty cycle. But you have people to talk to here. People will respond and there's always chat.

That said, which philosophers? Been reading quite a bit of that subject myself. Hell, my pfp is a philosophy book! But am always down to discuss that subject in any way. ;)

 

[Dino_flower]

Thank you so much for your response, it's very validating. This platform, although very encouraging, may seem cold sometimes because I've seen people's threads go unread so I'm glad someone responded.

In terms of philosophy, I'm very interested in Wittgenstein's solipsism and Camus's absurdism because of how unique and intriguing it is. They're some very bizarre forms of viewing the world even if I don't necessarily agree with them. If you know more about it, I would love for you to dumb it down for me haha

 

[pulse1]

I'd say Camus' absurdism is the theory I feel closest to, I even wrote an essay about it to win at the IPO :). In the simplest way possible, existence in itself is absurd because it is inexplainable. The universe is cold and unfeeling to humans that are the exact opposite of just that. As we're searching for a meaning to life and a reason to exist, we're essentially chasing something that doesn't exist and will never exist. That's why Camus also finds 'meanings' that humans create sauch as religion to be frivolous as well, because they distract from the reality of the universe and give people temporary and fake 'truths' to hold onto. Humans shouldn't keep living because they believe in God or because they have arbitrary beliefs in spirituality, they need to keep living because choosing to keep living is absurd. Think about it: the universe is absurd, because why the fuck does it exist if there's no creator, meaning or reason to it. Then the only way you can combat this absurd is by... being absurd yourself!! Choosing to live in a meaningless world is meaningless, choosing to live in an absurd reality is absurd. Only when you counteract the absurd with the absurd can you call yourself a human, which is a conscious, alive, intelligent and thinking being. I love this theory because it makes sense to me, and it has such a hopeful and 'logical' conclusion.

Sometimes, I do disagree with it though. What makes it so that us humans have to strive to be 'humans'? When I'm actively suicidal, I want to burn The Myth of Sisyphus to the ground. I just find no drive in me to be absurd against the absurd. I don't feel this need to be intelligent or peak-human. I just want to die. I want the absurd to end because the absurd fucking sucks. I think that's the part that Camus kind of failed at. Those who don't combat the absurd are weak and sheep among the crowd according to him, and he sees suicide as succumbing to the absurd. I think you could also say that suicide in itself is also absurd because our nature is supposed to make us not die in every way possible. How un-absurd is it to go against every cell in your body trying to get rid of the poison you wilfully drank and drinking more and more after every time you puke?