a vent about being a burden

[notmyusername]

My adoptive mother works a job she doesn't like and a job that doesn't pay much. She does it for scheduling reasons. She schedules her life around me. I never asked for it, and it makes me feel like a huge burden. I told her she can get a different job, do what makes her happy. If I were to do anything, it wouldn't be on anyone but me. I know all she wants to hear is a thank you, but I can't. I'm a selfish, childish, dick. I know I'm a burden already, she knows I know, everyone fucking knows. Why do I have to say thank you and humiliate myself further? Maybe I deserve to do so. I'm just too much of an asshole to give her peace. I do love her. I don't know why I'm like this sometimes. The whole conversation we had made me want to cbt even more. I feel too much anger and frustration, it takes over my mind and living is miserable. I will never be able to fix myself. And the problem is that there is a part of me that wants to. I just know it's impossible. I've been around for over 18 years now, most of my life I learned all of the wrong things, and I can't fix my foundation. I'm mad at her for not just doing what she wants and letting me hold her back, but I'm even more mad at myself. I can't fucking fix it. I am a genuinely bad person, and I expect people to read this and think "what an asshole." I'm very aware. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. When I cbt, I want to do it in a way that will not be too burdensome, to make up for the life I lived. I want to give my family meaningful gifts, help the needy, make my death as clean as possible. That's my vent for now.