Venting A summary on what happened while I was gone.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

So I stopped writing in the forum for around.. the middle of the year or so? Things were relatively good - though I can't really remember everything. Everything seemed to be going alright until July, where I got involved into a small relationship where the affection I received was probably just a facade to be sexually used in the future. Wow, what a surprise.



I held it up until August, when I just had a breakdown and ended myself... But I gave up halfway, warned about myself being at risk to a relative of mine and ended up just self-harming instead. It was shit obviously, because some people went after me, and as I was in a bathroom, being screamed at so I'd open the door isn't the most pleasant thing in the world. I got scared, and the wound I did was way deeper than usual. I ended up getting an ambulance to a hospital to get my wound stitched, and it took two hours for it to happen. It took eight stitches for it to be closed.

I was hospitalized for 6 days, after being sent to stay at home with my relatives, and I ended up staying like that for the entire September. I changed part of my medication, and after two months, I changed therapist after having the same one for four years. After that, I ended up slowly going back on my old routine, started to go back to my course again... But I barely am allowed to be alone at home anymore for obvious reasons, even though there isn't any material to use, since there are no knives that I could potentially use.


I started to take drawing lessons again, and started to go to the gym along with my step-dad. It's nice for my health and my head, but I still feel the urge to do sh. And even though he and my mother supported me through all of this, I can't ignore all the times that my mother used things that I trusted to her against me in some discussions. Those things and some other factors makes me feel paranoid over staying too close to them and stirring up more fights due to stuff I feel I don't even have full control of.

I've been trying to get better. To convince myself that there's stuff that I still want to do, that there's still a future that I want to live, mainly with them. But those times, where I feel like I am the rotten nail hidden in the grass, I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here. They will step on me without wanting to, only to hurt me and themselves.


I've been carrying on without self-harm since at least October, but honestly I don't know why I'm holding out so much all of the time. It's stressful and very tiring. But the bare thought of having to explain why and tolerating their reactions makes me sick to the stomach.

 

[timf]

Self harm is often an attempt to drive back anxiety by feeling a sense of control over something. Given the recent relational betrayal. it might be expected that it would drive the need to feel control even higher. It sounds like you might have activities like drawing and the gym that might, if cultivated, serve as an alternative source for a feeling of control.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Self harm is often an attempt to drive back anxiety by feeling a sense of control over something. Given the recent relational betrayal. it might be expected that it would drive the need to feel control even higher. It sounds like you might have activities like drawing and the gym that might, if cultivated, serve as an alternative source for a feeling of control.

Your words make a lot of sense to me. I personally don't like to think that other people have so much power over my mental health, but given the fact that human beings need to live in society, it does make sense that we affect each other in such ways, unintentionally or not.

 

[Nangijala]

I've been trying to get better. To convince myself that there's stuff that I still want to do, that there's still a future that I want to live, mainly with them. But those times, where I feel like I am the rotten nail hidden in the grass, I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here. They will step on me without wanting to, only to hurt me and themselves.

I can really relate to this, no matter what I do I feel like it if people get close to me/get to really know me they would end up feeling disappointed/getting hurt. This feeling is so strong that it feels like it is just a plain fact, But when I try to think about it rationally, it seems unlikely that I am that one person on earth who is a terrible influence to those around them without having bad intentions. One goal I have in mind that I think will help a lot for this is helping out at an animal shelter, and experiencing how we can all have a small positive impact on those around us (even if it is just cleaning the litterbox of their cats). But mustering up the courage for this and fighting those feelings of feeling like a monster pretending to be human is a big hurdle.