Apokryphiel
Leave me
- Mar 23, 2025
- 104
"As soon as your suffering outweighs your growth – or, in other words, your efforts seem to have no validation since your reward is zero, again and again – hence you let go."
It's so easy to get caught up in the process of life that the act of living itself can become less important than what we think we're doing is right. What makes this even worse is that sometimes we get so caught up with it all that we forget to live entirely. That is something many forget, and something many have never even once known. It's what separates every breath you take from the act of slavery to the act of freedom.
Why are you doing what you're doing, and is that something you want to do?
Our lives will never amount to what we want them to be in the end. The idea of a perfect life is a lie we tell ourselves so that we can keep going in the face of something so abhorrently wrong, without even considering another path.
I'M NOT THE SUICIDAL ONE. It's true that there are more ways out depending on the person, but this is all life has left for me. There's no other way out. This is all that has been left for most of us. What I am going to do is not an act of me wanting to give up; it's not an act of me wanting to kill myself because this life is more than I can bear. I've endured it for as long as I've known the very definition. Forty or fifty more years mean nothing. We can tell ourselves what we're doing is wrong... but it's not. Killing yourself isn't an easy way out. It's the finality of who you are. Who is anyone to play God and say otherwise?
Those who only ever follow the path life has laid out for them have already committed suicide. They've accepted that they will run from the inevitable for as long as their bodies can carry them. But that isn't living. You can tell yourself you're being strong, but a lie will remain a lie. The only strength to be found in any of this is by facing your fate.
If you can find any other possible path in this life to exercise who you are, why wouldn't you take it? There's nothing more admirable than refusing to fate yourself to becoming something you inadvertently hate but refuse to acknowledge. Living is no better than dying.
And I know... if death were as known as life, embracing it wouldn't be such a sin.
I've tried so hard to be something more than my suffering. I've fallen so deep, hoping to just catch my footing so I can climb back up. But after clawing for something more than this all my life, all I've found is that this is all I am. This is all I will ever be.
"If you erase everything that hurts, how are you any different from someone who kills themselves? If life itself were hurting you, wouldn't you do the same?"
We lie to ourselves regarding life because that's the only way to find comfort in whatever any of this was supposed to be. But I won't; I refuse. The acceptance of life is a lie.
I don't want to be better; I don't want to be a lie. I want to embrace who I am – what this life has made of me. And because of that, I have to die. There are so few people out there who can stand for something so true, let alone die for it. That's the real comfort to be found in all of this: knowing that what you are is 'right'.
How could anyone try and change who they are to fit the world around them – their suffering, all they've endured? All for this? For the thought of being 'better'? Who gets to say what's right when nothing about this world is right?
You will never be better. You will always live with the thought of failure on your shoulder – the thought of losing everything. You will lose everything. There's no avoiding it, and if you try, your life will only ever be amounted to: 'At least you tried!' How could anyone be okay with that!? You can't fight the inevitable. We're all going to die one day; we're all going to suffer. All you can do is accept it. Acceptance is the only way to live.
To live is to ultimately die. To not just accept death, but embrace it. It's the only certainty most of us will ever have, after all. I don't live life with the thought of failure on my shoulder; I live it with the thought of the inevitable. Most try to run away from it, but that's why they will never truly live. Your life belongs to you, not your fears, not what the world around you thinks, but you.
My life belongs to me.
I won't blame anyone for what's happened to me anymore. I know the people around me have caused a lot of the suffering in my life. But I take accountability for my actions. No one forced me to do the things I did. No one forced me to end up like this. I was just too weak to be something more.
I knew the outcome of it all. I've always known how this story was going to end – it just never mattered to me. I planned on dying by the time I was eighteen, but things changed when my brother killed himself. He died wanting me to live. And that's what I've told myself for so long to keep going, if only for a few more days. But I've not once lived my entire life. I've failed him. I failed everything. It's like I've been crucified for all of it – all I've done, or all I could've done but didn't.
Everything I knew – my family, my beliefs, the world – it's all abandoned me. All I ever wanted is already gone.
The outcome of our lives catches up with us all eventually. Mine has finally caught up with me.
This will be my final post on this forum before I commit suicide. I've already gathered all the resources I need. It's only a matter of time now. Don't wanna go out without a smile first, do I?
Goodbye.
It's so easy to get caught up in the process of life that the act of living itself can become less important than what we think we're doing is right. What makes this even worse is that sometimes we get so caught up with it all that we forget to live entirely. That is something many forget, and something many have never even once known. It's what separates every breath you take from the act of slavery to the act of freedom.
Why are you doing what you're doing, and is that something you want to do?
Our lives will never amount to what we want them to be in the end. The idea of a perfect life is a lie we tell ourselves so that we can keep going in the face of something so abhorrently wrong, without even considering another path.
I'M NOT THE SUICIDAL ONE. It's true that there are more ways out depending on the person, but this is all life has left for me. There's no other way out. This is all that has been left for most of us. What I am going to do is not an act of me wanting to give up; it's not an act of me wanting to kill myself because this life is more than I can bear. I've endured it for as long as I've known the very definition. Forty or fifty more years mean nothing. We can tell ourselves what we're doing is wrong... but it's not. Killing yourself isn't an easy way out. It's the finality of who you are. Who is anyone to play God and say otherwise?
Those who only ever follow the path life has laid out for them have already committed suicide. They've accepted that they will run from the inevitable for as long as their bodies can carry them. But that isn't living. You can tell yourself you're being strong, but a lie will remain a lie. The only strength to be found in any of this is by facing your fate.
If you can find any other possible path in this life to exercise who you are, why wouldn't you take it? There's nothing more admirable than refusing to fate yourself to becoming something you inadvertently hate but refuse to acknowledge. Living is no better than dying.
And I know... if death were as known as life, embracing it wouldn't be such a sin.
I've tried so hard to be something more than my suffering. I've fallen so deep, hoping to just catch my footing so I can climb back up. But after clawing for something more than this all my life, all I've found is that this is all I am. This is all I will ever be.
"If you erase everything that hurts, how are you any different from someone who kills themselves? If life itself were hurting you, wouldn't you do the same?"
We lie to ourselves regarding life because that's the only way to find comfort in whatever any of this was supposed to be. But I won't; I refuse. The acceptance of life is a lie.
I don't want to be better; I don't want to be a lie. I want to embrace who I am – what this life has made of me. And because of that, I have to die. There are so few people out there who can stand for something so true, let alone die for it. That's the real comfort to be found in all of this: knowing that what you are is 'right'.
How could anyone try and change who they are to fit the world around them – their suffering, all they've endured? All for this? For the thought of being 'better'? Who gets to say what's right when nothing about this world is right?
You will never be better. You will always live with the thought of failure on your shoulder – the thought of losing everything. You will lose everything. There's no avoiding it, and if you try, your life will only ever be amounted to: 'At least you tried!' How could anyone be okay with that!? You can't fight the inevitable. We're all going to die one day; we're all going to suffer. All you can do is accept it. Acceptance is the only way to live.
To live is to ultimately die. To not just accept death, but embrace it. It's the only certainty most of us will ever have, after all. I don't live life with the thought of failure on my shoulder; I live it with the thought of the inevitable. Most try to run away from it, but that's why they will never truly live. Your life belongs to you, not your fears, not what the world around you thinks, but you.
My life belongs to me.
I won't blame anyone for what's happened to me anymore. I know the people around me have caused a lot of the suffering in my life. But I take accountability for my actions. No one forced me to do the things I did. No one forced me to end up like this. I was just too weak to be something more.
I knew the outcome of it all. I've always known how this story was going to end – it just never mattered to me. I planned on dying by the time I was eighteen, but things changed when my brother killed himself. He died wanting me to live. And that's what I've told myself for so long to keep going, if only for a few more days. But I've not once lived my entire life. I've failed him. I failed everything. It's like I've been crucified for all of it – all I've done, or all I could've done but didn't.
Everything I knew – my family, my beliefs, the world – it's all abandoned me. All I ever wanted is already gone.
The outcome of our lives catches up with us all eventually. Mine has finally caught up with me.
This will be my final post on this forum before I commit suicide. I've already gathered all the resources I need. It's only a matter of time now. Don't wanna go out without a smile first, do I?
Goodbye.
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