Kodokushi
Falling...into the abyss...
- Apr 19, 2023
- 65
Heya everyone.
I tried so freaking hard to write a short introduction, but can't leave this entertainer facade and it turns into a hugeass story, haha. So much crap happened throughout my entire life, it just can't be contained into a small post. On the side note, I am a storyteller, so me trying to make the past interesting to read and not fall asleep while doing so makes it even longer...
I'll be brief. I wish I was never born and me being here is an egoistic choice of my mentally r...ed family. My mother should've never had a kid, my father should've never had a wife, my grandmother should've never had my father too. The entire family is a curse on humanity and I wish so strongly they all could've just stop procreating and disappear
I went through hell. Home was hell - drunk fights and scandals, physical violence and mental crushing; school was hell - bullying grew from looks to action, from one person to mob, I stayed freezing in snow because I couldn't force myself to go to either school nor home, I faked illnesses and forced myself to get sick, I lied so many times just to HIDE like a desperate animal
I degraded into a hikkikomori, a shut-in with terrible anxiety unable to even speak, I binged till it hurt and vomited, and became obese with health complications, slashed my arms from hands to shoulders spicing those with deep wounds from scissors penetrated into flesh (still no idea how my family didn't see that, but they never really cared). There was just so much...
I left the house involuntarily when my father finally snapped and attacked me. With no money nor place to stay at, I was forced to sleep at work and eat cheapass garbage, rushing to find a place because my poor pet rats were stuck there and I just couldn't go back. Dunno how I even succeeded at the time, I was living for those little critters, so I just pushed through shit like a machine to get them out of there (they were sick once I did thanks to my amazing mommy, but that's another story lol)
Once I had a stable income, I managed to find a good therapist from the pool of shitty ones, and my "old" cyclothymia diagnosis was debunked with worse. It wasn't depression, like I thought, it wasn't mood swings, it was a freaking bipolar disorder tangled with anxiety both blooming and getting stronger with every day. BPD is still in question to this day, mostly cause I completely stopped taking meds and going to therapy due to recent events (coughcoughwarcoughcough)
For now I'm living for my pet rats. I used to stall time thinking "well, I must at least write a story" or "but X will be sad", now that all kinda went away. As long as they're around - I'm around. Rats don't live long, unfortunately, so it was "till Vanilla and Sourcream cross" to "till Sugar and Marshmallow cross", and I don't know if I'll get more rats now that the desire is so freaking strong.
Last year when the W started I attempted an overdose even though my sweet babies were around and well. I just...lost it, everything became so unbearable again. I don't know what I did wrong, the meds were absolute garbage and I still attempted to continue therapy with them before overdosing, so maybe all those little reasons caused it to fail, but I just went to a looooong sleep, waking up two days later with a terrible migraine, weakness and tremor
My so-called loved one witnessed the entire thing and is stuck listening to me crying about how badly I want to end it all, but has decided his feelings are much more important and I don't respect him...apparently, because I'm just so stuck in this desperation that I can't enjoy regular things or life, or ask how he was at work. So, we also fight constantly with the solution being me giving up, putting on entertainer's face and acting until I can't anymore
...I better stop yapping here, I guess, before this turns into a longer post, haha. If anyone's interested in my hell of a life - I can go into detail, of course, I don't mind sharing. Just be cautious that I can go on and on, and it'll be a long story. Thank you for reading if you made it this far!
I tried so freaking hard to write a short introduction, but can't leave this entertainer facade and it turns into a hugeass story, haha. So much crap happened throughout my entire life, it just can't be contained into a small post. On the side note, I am a storyteller, so me trying to make the past interesting to read and not fall asleep while doing so makes it even longer...
I'll be brief. I wish I was never born and me being here is an egoistic choice of my mentally r...ed family. My mother should've never had a kid, my father should've never had a wife, my grandmother should've never had my father too. The entire family is a curse on humanity and I wish so strongly they all could've just stop procreating and disappear
I went through hell. Home was hell - drunk fights and scandals, physical violence and mental crushing; school was hell - bullying grew from looks to action, from one person to mob, I stayed freezing in snow because I couldn't force myself to go to either school nor home, I faked illnesses and forced myself to get sick, I lied so many times just to HIDE like a desperate animal
I degraded into a hikkikomori, a shut-in with terrible anxiety unable to even speak, I binged till it hurt and vomited, and became obese with health complications, slashed my arms from hands to shoulders spicing those with deep wounds from scissors penetrated into flesh (still no idea how my family didn't see that, but they never really cared). There was just so much...
I left the house involuntarily when my father finally snapped and attacked me. With no money nor place to stay at, I was forced to sleep at work and eat cheapass garbage, rushing to find a place because my poor pet rats were stuck there and I just couldn't go back. Dunno how I even succeeded at the time, I was living for those little critters, so I just pushed through shit like a machine to get them out of there (they were sick once I did thanks to my amazing mommy, but that's another story lol)
Once I had a stable income, I managed to find a good therapist from the pool of shitty ones, and my "old" cyclothymia diagnosis was debunked with worse. It wasn't depression, like I thought, it wasn't mood swings, it was a freaking bipolar disorder tangled with anxiety both blooming and getting stronger with every day. BPD is still in question to this day, mostly cause I completely stopped taking meds and going to therapy due to recent events (coughcoughwarcoughcough)
For now I'm living for my pet rats. I used to stall time thinking "well, I must at least write a story" or "but X will be sad", now that all kinda went away. As long as they're around - I'm around. Rats don't live long, unfortunately, so it was "till Vanilla and Sourcream cross" to "till Sugar and Marshmallow cross", and I don't know if I'll get more rats now that the desire is so freaking strong.
Last year when the W started I attempted an overdose even though my sweet babies were around and well. I just...lost it, everything became so unbearable again. I don't know what I did wrong, the meds were absolute garbage and I still attempted to continue therapy with them before overdosing, so maybe all those little reasons caused it to fail, but I just went to a looooong sleep, waking up two days later with a terrible migraine, weakness and tremor
My so-called loved one witnessed the entire thing and is stuck listening to me crying about how badly I want to end it all, but has decided his feelings are much more important and I don't respect him...apparently, because I'm just so stuck in this desperation that I can't enjoy regular things or life, or ask how he was at work. So, we also fight constantly with the solution being me giving up, putting on entertainer's face and acting until I can't anymore
...I better stop yapping here, I guess, before this turns into a longer post, haha. If anyone's interested in my hell of a life - I can go into detail, of course, I don't mind sharing. Just be cautious that I can go on and on, and it'll be a long story. Thank you for reading if you made it this far!
