Talpa
Member
- Jul 22, 2019
- 18
Don't know if this'll fit more in the Story or Venting category since it's a bit of both but here it goes.
I am a 23 year old male living in a big city in nothern Germany. I lost the genetic lottery big time and am not only extremely ugly but also have several physical ailments as well as mental ones, which developed over the past ~6 years (thanks, mother). Back in 2015 after dropping out of the gymnasium I went to a psychologist, who wanted me admitted to a psych ward and on meds ASAP but I refused, since I didn't trust any of it. Haven't sought any medical assistance since then, since I heard nothing good comes out of it. Currently I am in an apprenticeship where I slave away 40 hours a week for 690 bucks, which is half minimum wage or something. 500 bucks are gone just for rent, add in food and other necessities and I got jack shit. Additionally I also visit the administrative school, you can imagine it as a regular school just for grown-ups with harder, mostly law-based topics. Ever since I started 10 months ago I was unable to connect with anyone there which quickly led to me becoming isolated and spending my school days not talking to anyone, dreading every group exercise and spending my breaks walking down the nearby park by myself. Truth be told I am to blame for the most part since I am extremely antisocial, but even if I were not I can't help but perceive my classmates to be very obnoxious to the point where I think it might be for the better if I don't interact with them.
It wasn't much better in my regular school days. Isolation and loneliness have been with me most of my life, ever since I left elementary school around 13 years ago it's been a constant shitshow. My youth has been completely wasted. All those pleasant experiences seemingly all other people have made like having a carefree simple school life, hanging out with friends, experiencing first love, experimenting around with alcohol or partying and all that other stuff you associate with the teenage and adolescent years just never happened to me. I don't really remember what I did at that age instead anymore, but I figure I was alone a lot. And those times will never come back but even if they did I doubt it would turn out much differently. It's like I'm standing at a train station waiting for it to come but the last one departed 10 years ago, if that makes any sense.
My life just isn't worth it. The happy days are few and far in between and get completely overshadowed by those in which I wish I was dead. I have been feeling this way for several years now. Every day is plagued with loneliness, anxiety and depression with nothing to look forward to. Video games, literature, sports, all those things that gave me joy once don't do it anymore. I still play video games but no because they are fun but because time passes faster. I decided to actively suppress feelings of hope so it's less painful when I inevitably fall into another hole. I often fantasize about having a person that loves me for whatever reason but that idealistic relationship I envision only happens in fiction. I guess my grandmother loves me but she is 4000km away, but that's this family love, you know what I mean. I guess I have become extremely misanthropic over the last couple years as well, which doesn't help. I just can't help but think of humanity as a phony, shallow, deceiving, corrupt, stupid pack of degenerates. I know, not very charming of me.
Everything's shit wherever I look, so I decided that I'm done. There's just no point in continuing if nothing good ever comes out of it, it's just prolonging my suffering. It's not like there is some higher power out there looking out for me or some light at the end of the tunnel. Admittedly I thought "This really is the end." several times in the past but this one feels different, like it's final. I've been rather reckless lately with skipping out on work and freely spending money on clothes and toys. Often times I act without regard for consequences since I think "I'll die before I finish my apprenticeship anyway" and the likes. I am selling some of my belongings and will not pay rent this month, so I'm going to have around 2000 bucks at the end of this month. Thought I'd use that money to have as much fun as possible, or at least try. Don't really have any clear plans for now, but I try to think of something and when that money runs out it's time for me to buzz off. I really, really wish I had access to a firearm for an easy exit but I can't get my hands on one, so I'll probably do some more research and probably settle on either the rope or a train.
And that's that.
I am a 23 year old male living in a big city in nothern Germany. I lost the genetic lottery big time and am not only extremely ugly but also have several physical ailments as well as mental ones, which developed over the past ~6 years (thanks, mother). Back in 2015 after dropping out of the gymnasium I went to a psychologist, who wanted me admitted to a psych ward and on meds ASAP but I refused, since I didn't trust any of it. Haven't sought any medical assistance since then, since I heard nothing good comes out of it. Currently I am in an apprenticeship where I slave away 40 hours a week for 690 bucks, which is half minimum wage or something. 500 bucks are gone just for rent, add in food and other necessities and I got jack shit. Additionally I also visit the administrative school, you can imagine it as a regular school just for grown-ups with harder, mostly law-based topics. Ever since I started 10 months ago I was unable to connect with anyone there which quickly led to me becoming isolated and spending my school days not talking to anyone, dreading every group exercise and spending my breaks walking down the nearby park by myself. Truth be told I am to blame for the most part since I am extremely antisocial, but even if I were not I can't help but perceive my classmates to be very obnoxious to the point where I think it might be for the better if I don't interact with them.
It wasn't much better in my regular school days. Isolation and loneliness have been with me most of my life, ever since I left elementary school around 13 years ago it's been a constant shitshow. My youth has been completely wasted. All those pleasant experiences seemingly all other people have made like having a carefree simple school life, hanging out with friends, experiencing first love, experimenting around with alcohol or partying and all that other stuff you associate with the teenage and adolescent years just never happened to me. I don't really remember what I did at that age instead anymore, but I figure I was alone a lot. And those times will never come back but even if they did I doubt it would turn out much differently. It's like I'm standing at a train station waiting for it to come but the last one departed 10 years ago, if that makes any sense.
My life just isn't worth it. The happy days are few and far in between and get completely overshadowed by those in which I wish I was dead. I have been feeling this way for several years now. Every day is plagued with loneliness, anxiety and depression with nothing to look forward to. Video games, literature, sports, all those things that gave me joy once don't do it anymore. I still play video games but no because they are fun but because time passes faster. I decided to actively suppress feelings of hope so it's less painful when I inevitably fall into another hole. I often fantasize about having a person that loves me for whatever reason but that idealistic relationship I envision only happens in fiction. I guess my grandmother loves me but she is 4000km away, but that's this family love, you know what I mean. I guess I have become extremely misanthropic over the last couple years as well, which doesn't help. I just can't help but think of humanity as a phony, shallow, deceiving, corrupt, stupid pack of degenerates. I know, not very charming of me.
Everything's shit wherever I look, so I decided that I'm done. There's just no point in continuing if nothing good ever comes out of it, it's just prolonging my suffering. It's not like there is some higher power out there looking out for me or some light at the end of the tunnel. Admittedly I thought "This really is the end." several times in the past but this one feels different, like it's final. I've been rather reckless lately with skipping out on work and freely spending money on clothes and toys. Often times I act without regard for consequences since I think "I'll die before I finish my apprenticeship anyway" and the likes. I am selling some of my belongings and will not pay rent this month, so I'm going to have around 2000 bucks at the end of this month. Thought I'd use that money to have as much fun as possible, or at least try. Don't really have any clear plans for now, but I try to think of something and when that money runs out it's time for me to buzz off. I really, really wish I had access to a firearm for an easy exit but I can't get my hands on one, so I'll probably do some more research and probably settle on either the rope or a train.
And that's that.
