A short story

[litany_of_thoughts]

(Repost from the "I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread", I'm not sure if this is more suitable as a separate post here, or should be in there? So feel free to delete)

Hi

Not even sure how to start this, but I'm looking towards recovering from continually trying to destroy my body after an episode in the ICU that doctors didn't think I'd survive has changed my perspective a bit.

I took an overdose of nearly 9 grams of diphenhydramine, had 4 seizures, and they used the defibrillator twice after I apparently died for a short time in the ambulance due to complex tachycardia. The last thing I remember is swallowing the last of the pills in a park near my house, after which point I entered a full delirium and somehow ended up ringing a friend (I'm assuming SI kicked in while I was hallucinating)

I remember waking up in the hospital and being very delirious, then I quickly improved over a few days. When I read my discharge paper and realised how unlikely it was that I survived, all I could think was that it must just not be my time to go yet? And surviving without any permanent damage that I've discovered so far (other than a much higher resting heart rate) I feel like I owe it to everyone around me that I've scared the absolute shit out, and my apparently quite resilient body, to give living another try.

Not really sure what I'm expecting from this, but I guess I'd like to speak to people who've been in a similar situation and had such a sudden change of heart and have navigated that.

I'm definitely still having days where I think 'fuck it', and the more nihilistic I get about myself the happier I seem to get, but I'm also for the first time in a while experiencing days where I wake up, look out of my window and admire the fact that I'm here to see the beauty of another day, have another conversation with friends, and listen to my mother speak about the things she's done that day. I want to be here for those things, but the bad days are hard. I'm getting through it with alcohol and drugs, because it's so recent my current mantra is 'whatever makes me happy', but I know that's not sustainable, nor is it good for my future and the damage I've likely already done to my body.

 

[timf]

Thoughts of suicide can be somewhat liberating in a way. As things that may be pressing in on you are let go of, there can be a relief and that which was driving one may now be diminished.

Into the vacuum created by the diminishment of oppressive forces one has to fill with new skills of navigating life for one's own satisfaction. This can be unfamiliar territory for those who have felt at the whim of circumstances for so long.

Experimentation can be useful. Like learning anything new, there will be mistakes. However, as one finds things that work a sort of "tool kit" of management skills is made more full and options in life become more achievable.