A short Poem

[Jadotine]

I always liked to write short stories, and I've recently started to dabble in a bit of poetry (thank you DDLC)
It might resonate with some of you and I thought it would be fun to share. I don't really have anywhere else to share this kind of stuff because I want to avoid being asked any questions about my mental health... I hope that my feelings came accross fine with this poem

The Cost of Hope​

​

A single, flawless Light presents itself in the dark sky,​

Its warm radiance filling up your icy, unfeeling body.​

Is it sinful to dream of such lights painting the empty sky whole?​

Warmth gently bubbles up at such a thought​

​

These days, dark clouds covering your Light are a common sight,​

Its dimming glow mirroring your hopelessness.​

Nothing waits for you now but stillness.​

After tasting warmth, your body can no longer stand such cold...​

​

Is it alright to keep living like this?​

​

Freezing claws suddenly pierce through the thin veil protecting you​

Sharp pain echoes throughout,​

Screams,​

lost in the emptiness,​

Your body struggles to keep its Light-- but to no avail​

​

All that remains​

broken shards​

​

Would love to hear your thoughts about it or if there are things I can improve upon!

 

[maylurker]

its awesome can you teach me how to write good metaphors

 

[Realgar]

Very well done. It captures how I feel right now!

 

[Jadotine]

its awesome can you teach me how to write good metaphors

Glad you liked it! For the metaphors, I would say that they mostly come from reading a lot but if I can teach you I would be glad to :)

Very well done. It captures how I feel right now!

Thank you! I am very happy to hear that cuz I spent hours on this

 

[maylurker]

Glad you liked it! For the metaphors, I would say that they mostly come from reading a lot but if I can teach you I would be glad to :)

u write like yuri in the first act thats cool i wish i could do the same

 

[Jadotine]

u write like yuri in the first act thats cool i wish i could do the same

Thank you! I cannot write rhymes so freeform poems like Yuri's is the way to go for me
I am sure that you could do the same as well, if you can have a clear picture or image of what you're going through it would be enough :)

 

[maylurker]

Thank you! I cannot write rhymes so freeform poems like Yuri's is the way to go for me
I am sure that you could do the same as well, if you can have a clear picture or image of what you're going through it would be enough :)

i was a decent writer in the high school but now i feel degraded. if i want to write a story or something i just go in circles, unable to develop the flow and plot. i use the same metaphors as i used forever. what would you recommend?

 

[Jadotine]

i was a decent writer in the high school but now i feel degraded. if i want to write a story or something i just go in circles, unable to develop the flow and plot. i use the same metaphors as i used forever. what would you recommend?

Oh that's a shame :/
It depends on what you are trying to write but in general I would advise making a rough draft before writing anything especially if you feel like you're going in circles

For example, if you are writing a short story I would make a draft of the main plot points (What is happening? Who? Does what? And in what order? etc) that would make you less redundant and avoid you overlapping. And in general you will have a clearer picture of how you would like the story to unfold!
The details will be ironed out later so you don't need to focus on them right away, otherwise the bigger picture will not be as good

As for the metaphors, I would say that reading is the most effective way to learn new ways of phrasing feelings or situations. Otherwise, you can also seach online for alternate ways to phrase something
That is something I do often and it makes me learn new words as well, so don't be afraid of doing that!

 

[maylurker]

Oh that's a shame :/
It depends on what you are trying to write but in general I would advise making a rough draft before writing anything especially if you feel like you're going in circles

For example, if you are writing a short story I would make a draft of the main plot points (What is happening? Who? Does what? And in what order? etc) that would make you less redundant and avoid you overlapping. And in general you will have a clearer picture of how you would like the story to unfold!
The details will be ironed out later so you don't need to focus on them right away, otherwise the bigger picture will not be as good

As for the metaphors, I would say that reading is the most effective way to learn new ways of phrasing feelings or situations. Otherwise, you can also seach online for alternate ways to phrase something
That is something I do often and it makes me learn new words as well, so don't be afraid of doing that!

thank you but still my style remains mediocre when i want it to be deep. thanks for the advice though. what literature do you read to come up with this stuff?

 

[Jadotine]

If you are comfortable with sharing something you've written then I could maybe help you with that?
I don't read as much as I used to so I won't have any book titles I can recommend you unfortunately, however I did read many books with many troubled MCs so they usually go more in length to describe their feelings.

Right now I listen a lot to Japanese songs where the lyrics are often more metaphorical than straight forward. They also often tell a full story in a song so it's definitely been helpful for me to follow their style of writing too :)

 

[Heraskov]

I think that's a beautiful poem, friend. Poetry is a great thing for the wounded mind. When I was really going through it a few years ago, I wrote a short poem that I haven't shared up until now. It's one that you can read a few different ways, and it helped me get through my troubles every time that I looked back on it, as, depending on how I felt, I would see one of two messages in it, and that would then encourage me to try and always find the message in it that brought me the most joy. It's religious in its nature, so I don't know how universally relatable it is, but the poem goes:

By Your will
I will perish with Your glory
Hanging from my neck
Your name will lastly grace my lips
Exiting
As I will

The way I interpret it, "Your glory" can rather be seen as God's presence accompanying the speaker in their final moments of life or that "glory" literally being a cross necklace that's "hanging from their neck" as they pass away, symbolizing trust in His decree, so the former is them acting on their own decision to end their life, and the latter is them acceding to God's decision to end it. Something similar is there with the end line "as I will," as you can rather read the word as a synonym to "choose," like "as I will this exit of life to happen" (thus deciding to end it on their own terms), or you can read it as a simple comparison to the aforementioned, fading last words of the speaker, like "as I will exit this life, too." Poetry is just so wonderful.

 

[Jadotine]

I think that's a beautiful poem, friend. Poetry is a great thing for the wounded mind. When I was really going through it a few years ago, I wrote a short poem that I haven't shared up until now. It's one that you can read a few different ways, and it helped me get through my troubles every time that I looked back on it, as, depending on how I felt, I would see one of two messages in it, and that would then encourage me to try and always find the message in it that brought me the most joy. It's religious in its nature, so I don't know how universally relatable it is, but the poem goes:

By Your will
I will perish with Your glory
Hanging from my neck
Your name will lastly grace my lips
Exiting
As I will

The way I interpret it, "Your glory" can rather be seen as God's presence accompanying the speaker in their final moments of life or that "glory" literally being a cross necklace that's "hanging from their neck" as they pass away, symbolizing trust in His decree, so the former is them acting on their own decision to end their life, and the latter is them acceding to God's decision to end it. Something similar is there with the end line "as I will," as you can rather read the word as a synonym to "choose," like "as I will this exit of life to happen" (thus deciding to end it on their own terms), or you can read it as a simple comparison to the aforementioned, fading last words of the speaker, like "as I will exit this life, too." Poetry is just so wonderful.

Thank you for the kind words! Poetry has been an outlet for me too but I always get frustrated because I think that it doesn't manage to convey what I actually feel. That is the first poem that I am actually satisfied with and proud to share :)

Writing is really a good way to express oneself when you don't have anyone to count on. Amazing how people can take away different interpretations depending on their mood or life experience...

Thank you also for sharing your poem! I am not religious personally but I definitely see the beauty and effort you put in it. Kind of reminds me of the song Anchor by Skillet
There is a kind a peacefulness that comes with your poem and I really like that

 

[themindian]

Broken shards that once watched its child brush his teeth, make himself look beautiful, check himself for blemishes, the child not knowing that the shards-to-become were smiling back every time that the child came into take a look at her. A.smile that grew wider and wider as time passed and the child grew, only for the child to grow a deeper frown where the mirror once grew a smile.

Only for the veil that was once the mirror that watched the child grow to be torn into tears that are now with the child on the ground, all laid across the child as their light slowly withered away. The childs only friend being the shards that were the tears that the mirror could never see.