Discussion A sensible analysis on my situation, and how it affects my incapability of following through with my death

[Going]

I am not a good person. I am ugly, unintelligent, neurotic, superstitious, perverted, slow, unempathetic, narcissistic aggressive and impulsive. When I interact with my immediate family (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, brothers, etc.) I realise these qualities seem to have been inherited. I feel disgust towards these people, and realize others must feel the same when interacting with me, because I am the same. I am another link on a very awful chain that has been going on for far too long, and therefore have come to the conclusion that the most logical and hygienic thing to do would be to CTB. However, I'm still too cowardly to do it. I live in a fairly violent place, I could simply resist muggings until I am killed, yet I am afraid to do it. Because of my superstition, I am afraid of some sort of punishment, hell or a worse incarnation, and I wish I could just purge my mind of this. What can I do?

 

[Zegers]

Something worse than all this? it must be a joke

 

[Going]

Something worse than all this? it must be a joke

Things have gotten worse for me thoughout the years. How can I be sure that it can't get worse? That there isn's some superior entity eager to torture me as soon as I take the plunge? It is silly, yes, but that's how my mind works. I wish it wasn't like this.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm not in the same situation, but to some extent, fear has been keeping me back too. Not only fear over the mess I'll potentially be leaving behind, but also what happens after I do it. Like, where will I go? And who is gonna make me answer for what I've done? Today, somebody told me something a little comforting; something to the effect of after doing it, we won't feel a single thing. Essentially, these fears wouldn't matter in the end. But I dunno how comforting that may be for you to hear, or even how helpful, haha. So I'll tell you the only solution that I've come up with: keep planning even if you're scared, and let time be the decider. I think that eventually, if we make up our minds to do it, then these things will stop mattering us at all one day. no?

I don't want this to err on the side of toxic positivity but if you don't like yourself as you are, there's always a chance to change in some ways. To think differently. To adopt new attitudes and practices. It feels impossible, but if we make up our minds, we can do things like that as well. Especially when it comes to things that can benefit our future goals. On the same vein, it might be worth it to deprogram some superstitious beliefs that are holding you back. I certainly had to do a lot of it with all the religious guilt that was shoved down my throat over the years. I still haven't thrown them away completely I don't think, but I've definitely questioned a lot of superstitious beliefs I've had about what happens after passing over the year as I try to wait for the right time and conditions for my plans. A lot of this was done by having conversations with people who have different beliefs and no beliefs at all— honestly, everything is starting to sound silly to me and I'm kind of thinking nothing happens after all… Reincarnation is still definitely a thing I haven't counted out though, it is a pretty scary thought but also potentially comforting (to me). Maybe I'll come back as a dog, which is better than the experience I'm having now being a human, haha.

 

[Going]

I'm not in the same situation, but to some extent, fear has been keeping me back too. Not only fear over the mess I'll potentially be leaving behind, but also what happens after I do it. Like, where will I go? And who is gonna make me answer for what I've done? Today, somebody told me something a little comforting; something to the effect of after doing it, we won't feel a single thing. Essentially, these fears wouldn't matter in the end. But I dunno how comforting that may be for you to hear, or even how helpful, haha. So I'll tell you the only solution that I've come up with: keep planning even if you're scared, and let time be the decider. I think that eventually, if we make up our minds to do it, then these things will stop mattering us at all one day. no?

I don't want this to err on the side of toxic positivity but if you don't like yourself as you are, there's always a chance to change in some ways. To think differently. To adopt new attitudes and practices. It feels impossible, but if we make up our minds, we can do things like that as well. Especially when it comes to things that can benefit our future goals. On the same vein, it might be worth it to deprogram some superstitious beliefs that are holding you back. I certainly had to do a lot of it with all the religious guilt that was shoved down my throat over the years. I still haven't thrown them away completely I don't think, but I've definitely questioned a lot of superstitious beliefs I've had about what happens after passing over the year as I try to wait for the right time and conditions for my plans. A lot of this was done by having conversations with people who have different beliefs and no beliefs at all— honestly, everything is starting to sound silly to me and I'm kind of thinking nothing happens after all… Reincarnation is still definitely a thing I haven't counted out though, it is a pretty scary thought but also potentially comforting (to me). Maybe I'll come back as a dog, which is better than the experience I'm having now being a human, haha.

I have barely begun planning, but ideally, it'd happen in a secluded, wooded are where I can die undisturbed near soil and plants. I know this is unlikely to work though. I don't know how to deprogam when every information that gets into my head is heavily filtered by its strang ramblings and just bounces off my thick skull. I don't think I can change, I've been given enough chances and failed, even my belief systems are past changing, I will have to die afraid unfortunately I think. I don't think i'd come back as a dog. Maybe a deformed or disabled human. I wish I could come back as something pretty.

 

[warriorofeld]

Being stuck with fear is the worst. And I really hope its just nothingness after death no reincarnation

 

[UsagiDrop]

I have barely begun planning, but ideally, it'd happen in a secluded, wooded are where I can die undisturbed near soil and plants. I know this is unlikely to work though. I don't know how to deprogam when every information that gets into my head is heavily filtered by its strang ramblings and just bounces off my thick skull. I don't think I can change, I've been given enough chances and failed, even my belief systems are past changing, I will have to die afraid unfortunately I think. I don't think i'd come back as a dog. Maybe a deformed or disabled human. I wish I could come back as something pretty.

That's fair enough. In any event, at least you're in the right place to start planning. I wish you the best of luck, with anything that you try to do, though I do believe that you have the capacity to change some of the things you dislike in others and in yourself in the meantime. None of us know what lies on the other side until we cross it, which is both scary and exciting. But even if there is nothing, I believe there's still a good chance of you being something pretty afterwards. You seem to really have the desire to do so. And after all, you said that you want to die near soil and plants. Your body will decompose and give back to the earth, contribute to the circle of life. Maybe parts of you will inevitably come back as a plant that gets its nutrients from the body that's decomposing there, and you'll live just like that, undisturbed and peaceful without a conscience. I think some of us unfortunately have no other choice but to die afraid and just go through with it if that's what we truly desire, but at least you'll have that little silver lining to look forward to if your resting place is a secluded forrest. Sounds like a semi-peaceful way to go out, so I hope you can maybe think of it that way.

 

[Zegers]

exciting

I feel that way, this life bores me to death, i understand the OP and it's hard to deal with uncertainty but i think afterlife is break free, what happens after that we'll see.

 

[pickajack]

I don't have anything helpful to contribute. But, for what it's worth, I think hell and punishing deities are all bullshit invented to control people.

I relate feeling blocked by the same shitty traits that make me want to CTB in the first place. Perfectionism, anxiety, and inability to organize and execute plans is keeping me around.