A question about being honest

[Cashewmilk]

I've been wanting to ask this question for a while online. I know in our society and culture it's always better to be honest and truthful and loyal, and trustworthy, even deep down or behind closed doors. To me it seems like most people are that way. But I don't know? Because the thing is, I am this way most of the time. I have always been this way, and I can't help it, I always have to be straight up and tell the truth especially about myself to others (most of the time I will keep mean or criticizing comments to myself or bad thoughts to myself in certain situations when it's appropriate). The reason I wonder is because of my sister, and certain people I've met as a younger person. Growing up together, she has always lied about certain things to people, and even as teenagers she would make up entire lies and stories, and even lied about her name sometimes. She told me that this is normal and everyone actually does it, everyone lies. But how? It seems so hard to keep up with a lie like that all the time. Just about little things like your ethnicity, or family, career, school, different experiences with many things, how much money you have etc. I've even met people who over exaggerate or completely fabricate stories of how they're super rich...What's the point? I've always just told the truth and was honest about it, if it was safe to do so of course. I only ever lie for a good reason, like hiding details that could shame my family (like being a suicidal drug addicted former prostitute), or if I was in danger, that's why I usually like to make a fake or alternative account on social media, so I can freely speak the truth about myself and my feelings in support groups, without have reputation or other people's reputations and feelings in the way to worry about. Of course I know everyone has the right to privacy and nobody should feel compelled to tell the whole world every single thing, or intimate or taboo details about their lives, like my taboo lifestyle, I only do it in certain places and forums where it's appropriate and necessary.

I also care a lot about the truth. That's why I'm a big fan of science, and evidence based facts. That's why I became agnostic. But I'm still always skeptical, but that's a whole other topic. My main thoughts were about people and being honest in everyday life. It feels like a chore to make up stuff and keep maintaining it, so I just tell the real truth because it's easiest for me to remember. Even when I do lie, I always end up telling the truth sooner or later. I don't know, are you mostly this way too? Is this common? I really hope so. Because some people make it seem like the majority of people just make up stuff for no reason, like what's the point and what does that do, wouldn't it be better to just be honest so you can get an honest response?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think most people lie to a certain extent, usually about small, seemingly inconsequential things, just to make their lives easier. White lies, like "Yes, your new hair colour looks amazing!"
But proper full on lies are indeed hard work for most people to sustain and tend to get found out sooner or later. You can usually tell when someone is lying to you if you look for the signs. Unless they are a psychopath of course. Or a member of the government. I always study the body language of professionals very carefully.
I tend to be as honest as possible but I also don't always say what I'm thinking because I know it might cause undue upset. I dislike deception, but if I'm in a position of relative weakness I will use deception to try and get what I want if I have no other choice and it's important.
That's just me, of course, but I'd suggest that it all sits on a normal curve: a small number of people are brutally honest all the time, a small number of people lie quite a bit, and most people tend to be as honest as they can but lie or deceive when they have to.
As usual with a normal distribution in populations, those at the shallow end often have it hardest, in this case the pathological liars or the brutally honest, whilst those that fit within the main statistical body are more liable to adapt to various situations.

 

[262653]

I think most of the lies I was telling (in the past) in attempts to increase my social status, to show myself as a valuable person worthy of trust and respect.
I also noticed that occasionally I'm lying to others without being aware that I'm lying. Then I catch myself when the deed is done.
And I believe that the most convincing lies are the lies we are believing ourselves, so that when we speak to others about them, we speak with conviction.
This is why I value self-awareness in both myself and others. I can't expect myself to be honest with others if I'm not aware what I'm doing and when I'm decieving others. Same applies to others.

I value honesty too. I think it's the best way to find like-minded individuals (because you demonstrate yourself as you are), and it if multiple people engaged in a partnership, it's good for the collective benefit to be honest with each other. I can also entertain the possibilities where such trust can be exploited for large immediate gains which afterwards destroys the trust. It's not always clear enough what are the interests of another person, how they think, and what they plan to do. It's not always clear if the other person is aiming for long-term benefits by maintaining partnership, or will try to exploit trust for short-term advantage.
This problem can be solved if trust abusers are punished enough that short-term advantage doesn't seem like a nice strategy anymore, just like mafia (organized crime) punishes those who snitch on others.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

And I believe that the most convincing lies are the lies we are believing ourselves, so that when we speak to others about them, we speak with conviction.

My sleep deprived memory, I forgot to add that bit.
I know it's a cliche, but the worst lies are indeed the ones we tell ourselves, the one's we come to believe to salve our own conscience. It's very easy to do that and very tough to notice it happening.

 

[antigone_iris]

I think it's best to be honest and tell the truth most of the time. There are situations when lying is easier, for example when nosy people want to know things about you that you feel are uncomfortable to disclose, or in situations in which you risk being harassed if you revealed your identity, such as on social media, if you're an artist, or a writer. I believe that having a pseudonym as an artist is an acceptable "lie". I've noticed that most people would rather hear "beautiful" lies than the "ugly" truth. All in all, I think that honesty remains the best policy, as it is an important element in every deep relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'd also add that I think the truth is far more than simply not lying. It's being honest with yourself and genuine in your intent towards others, even if there is the occasional understandable small deception in order to fit into the flow of things. No-one is perfect. Even if we try to be perfect, I think it's realistic to accept our own failings even as we try to overcome them.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I'm at the point where i think,
lie like a motherfucker and keep a knife handy.
sanity over peace of mind maybe
very little good comes from being "honest"
being truthful

 

[Kramer]

Being blunt is both ethical and fun to use as a weapon (blunt verbal instrument).

 

[WornOutLife]

Most people lie, actually.
I even did so as to be socially accepted at work, university, dates, etc.
If I had said something like: "I like anime and manga and gonna ctb soon", they would've freaked out lol

 

[Kramer]

Most people lie, actually.
I even did so as to be socially accepted at work, university, dates, etc.
If I had said something like: "I like anime and manga and gonna ctb soon", they would've freaked out lol

What are things you've said to dates?

 

[MindFrog]

I've been like that, well until I notice I hurt others with it and It got me in trouble a couple of times. It's just hard for me to people so I say things bluntly b4.

Nowadays I either say white lies or shut my mouth. Its easier...

 

[262653]

About dates. I said in "ruin the date" thread that mentioning bad breath in your date is going to ruin it, but truth be told, I'm not so sure if it would ruin mine. I mean, a person is willing to tell the unpleasant truth, to be the one delivering bad news and taking the risk to become the one standing against the heat of emotional reaction. I would prefer my date to say how it is.

 

[WornOutLife]

What are things you've said to dates?

I just talked to them about things I knew they liked. For example, by seeing pictures and their posts on facebook/tinder you can know what movies, places and music they like. I talked about that and the conversations (for them) were always interesting.
Anyway, I didn't have to always face. I've dated girls who are really similar to me and was able to talk about ctb!!! (I got my heart broken with one of those lol)

 

[Frauw]

Most people lie, depends on the severity of what the lie is tbh