Help A promise to a missed opportunity

[Deleted member 18655]

A few weeks ago, on the night I was planning to ctb, I got an impromptu phone call from someone I care for deeper than anyone. I promised him I wouldn't ctb.

But since then, for whatever reasons, he's hurt me more than anyone; maybe inadvertently and probably unintentionally but I'm hurt deeply nonetheless. He was the one person I (foolishly) trusted more than anyone and I thought that my promise not to ctb would mean he would be there for me. Such a fool am I!!!!!! He told me that he would "hold me up" through what I'm going through. I told him to just let go. And he said no. I now have an image of me on a cliff, with my fingertips just holding me up and him standing above me. And walking away as I plummet.

Since then I've tightened up research on my method and have realised that things aren't going to change. And that it's all my fault for hoping things could get better anyways.

But I'm terrified that, by not having followed through in April, this too will turn into something I just fail at doing. Out of fear or laziness or (worse) hope of being rescued.

I have nothing to look forward to, so I'll be stuck in a pit of despair forever. I can't stand the thought of that

 

[heraclitus]

He feels guilty, responsible, probably fearful. He never means to hurt you - just cannot properly understand you.

You are not foolish or lazy (or worse) - you care deeply for others. Probably more deeply than they do or even could care for you.

We all fail and fall, every day - but just keep going. CTB or not, we are all winners by being true to ourselves.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

He feels guilty, responsible, probably fearful. He never means to hurt you - just cannot properly understand you.

You are not foolish or lazy (or worse) - you care deeply for others. Probably more deeply than they do or even could care for you.

We all fail and fall, every day - but just keep going. CTB or not, we are all winners by being true to ourselves.

Thank you for your reply

Without being argumentative, I can honestly say that it's neither guilt nor responsibility that has caused him to drop me. Think of him as a cherished uncle who's a psychiatrist - (not the exact details) he's someone who knows me very well who's unlikely to be too afraid of my situation.

Blah blah blah I've gone over this for weeks trying to figure it all out. I can't make any sense of any of it. Maybe if I let it continue to eat away at me I'll ctb sooner than later!

 

[heraclitus]

Thank you for your reply

Without being argumentative, I can honestly say that it's neither guilt nor responsibility that has caused him to drop me. Think of him as a cherished uncle who's a psychiatrist - (not the exact details) he's someone who knows me very well who's unlikely to be too afraid of my situation.

Blah blah blah I've gone over this for weeks trying to figure it all out. I can't make any sense of any of it. Maybe if I let it continue to eat away at me I'll ctb sooner than later!

If he knew you that well, he would know not to hurt you or that you were hurting. Sometimes there is no sense, just messy humanity. I like my cat: if I cannot play with it, eat it or figure it out I go away (and probably sleep).