a poem I wrote about depression and CTB

[cyandude]

if what I have were cancer
then
to the others
I would have had no choice
if I were to pass away

but since what I have is deeper
where no one can see
if I were to die
I'd be called selfish
"waste of potential"

but I have, I have what feels like a tumor, expanding at the expense of my spirit, a tumor that no oncologist could ever examine. a whirlwind of cacophonous sound that merges with the agonizing silence of the vast plain of my being, directs me, body and soul, to surrender completely to an endless sleep, where unraveling the absurd would no longer have to be my burden, nor would I have to decide what name to give to things, or what value to attribute to myself.

my full life, unrolled, like a scroll, which now has flaming ends which burn, becoming a black powder like the bile that circulates in me, and produces a tar-black smoke, which dances the melancholic ode of my last efforts, my last grasps and senses, and finally dissolves in the air. just like my soul one day will too.

there's a pestle
beating and pulsing my soul,
as if it were
a heart

all I have left is the pulp
of what I once wanted to be
inside me, I feel
at close range
a thousand shots

and I don't know
where
they're
coming
from

 

[Raichu]

Literally my mind

 

[Ksmиda]

Amazing poem - it perfectly expresses the things that are hard to explain.

all I have left is the pulp
of what I once wanted to be

These two lines are the hardest-hitting out of any poem I have read - unbelievable.
If there is anything I would suggest changing about the poem, it is that I would split up stanzas 3 and 4 to make it more impactful.

Poems like yours are an inspriation to me - here's one that I wrote recently:

Trapped in my cell, I simply exist
Staring, but not seeing anything.
After all, there's no light here -
There hasn't been any for weeks.
Why should it return?

Suddenly, I see a spot of light
So small, but oh so bright.
I reach out, trying to touch this star
But it simply disappears.
A mirage, maybe?
Or is it something more?


I got a glimpse of the outside
It has to be real!
But how am I to know?
No, this 'star' has to be
Another one of life's treacheries -
A shadow on the wall
Trying to fool me
Into thinking I can make it out of the cave
And never return again.

Suddenly, I am freed -
It felt like the sun appeared in front of me
Blinded, I try to stand up.
It happened again -
I wish it didn't.
Now I have to see
and feel
What I could have had
If I had never been in that hell.

Slowly, I start to forget -
Surely that torture
Was a figment of my imagination.
Right?
I can't imagine going back -
How could I, when I feel happy?
Maybe I'll keep living
And forget about all the agony.
And never think about dying
Again

'I'll make it this time'
'Everything will be alright'
'Nothing will hurt anymore'
All those lies
Do nothing but cover up my deepest wounds
So that I might forget about them and
Never have to deal with them again.

However, even the brightest day has to end.
I don't even notice it at first, but those thoughts
They're coming back.
The numbness,
It's coming back.
The apathy,
It's already back.

I reluctantly accept them,
Knowing that I have to return.
All the light starts to dissipate
And I start to remember again.


I'm tired of this back-and-forth
Hope, nothingness, hope, nothingness.
I won't wait -
I'm going to end this cycle
By ending myself.

This poem is about that feeling when depression gets better for a bit and then returns.
It's also about forgetting the feeling of both hapiness and hopelessness.

 

[SilentSadness]

I think it's well written, it depicts how people are shallow and can't empathise with others, and your experience with depression. Thank you for posting.

 

[cyandude]

@KsmidaV amazin poem!!