dantexxnfrn
Member
- Jun 20, 2023
- 5
Hello again. I apologize if I'm talking too much. Also, English is not my first language, so there may be some grammatical errors.
So, as i was saying in my last post, I'm new here and it was surely hard being able to find a place where there are people just like me. I've tried venting to some friends for many times but it just ended with we not talking anymore.
I actually think about my future or something like that, but it's a reality where i live alone, constantly high on drugs or sh relapsing, basically, making myself suffer until i get the strength to end it all.
Years ago, in my childhood, I've had a best friend. She was deeply depressed and as a kid i didn't knew how i could help. Then months passed and she moved from the country, and we kept talking online. I don't know how or when, but at some point, we stopped being best friends and didn't talked anymore. Then i found out that she ended her life.
I just remember my mother screaming my name and something like "(name) died! (NAME) DIED!". Took me like, three days to have a reaction, because when i found out i just stayed silent trying to understand what I've heard. Anyways.
Didn't took me many time to realize it was my fault tho, but i think the worst thing abt it was the fact that nobody, literally nobody cared. I mean, my mom surely where sad but the next day she already had forgotten about it, and there was no one, absolutely no one to at least talk to me or to care about what happened.
Since then I've been treating myself roughly because i know i deserve it. I've told one or two friends this story and all they say is "no, it was not your fault, it was her choice" but I KNOW, I AM SURE that it WAS my fault and it'll ALWAYS be. She told me many times that if i ever leave her she'd end her life, and that's exactly what happened. I want to die and end all of this pain, but i also know i deserve to live and punish myself every single day for what I've done.
I think that's it. Thank you for reading my vent, really.
So, as i was saying in my last post, I'm new here and it was surely hard being able to find a place where there are people just like me. I've tried venting to some friends for many times but it just ended with we not talking anymore.
I actually think about my future or something like that, but it's a reality where i live alone, constantly high on drugs or sh relapsing, basically, making myself suffer until i get the strength to end it all.
Years ago, in my childhood, I've had a best friend. She was deeply depressed and as a kid i didn't knew how i could help. Then months passed and she moved from the country, and we kept talking online. I don't know how or when, but at some point, we stopped being best friends and didn't talked anymore. Then i found out that she ended her life.
I just remember my mother screaming my name and something like "(name) died! (NAME) DIED!". Took me like, three days to have a reaction, because when i found out i just stayed silent trying to understand what I've heard. Anyways.
Didn't took me many time to realize it was my fault tho, but i think the worst thing abt it was the fact that nobody, literally nobody cared. I mean, my mom surely where sad but the next day she already had forgotten about it, and there was no one, absolutely no one to at least talk to me or to care about what happened.
Since then I've been treating myself roughly because i know i deserve it. I've told one or two friends this story and all they say is "no, it was not your fault, it was her choice" but I KNOW, I AM SURE that it WAS my fault and it'll ALWAYS be. She told me many times that if i ever leave her she'd end her life, and that's exactly what happened. I want to die and end all of this pain, but i also know i deserve to live and punish myself every single day for what I've done.
I think that's it. Thank you for reading my vent, really.
