When I was a kid, I was constantly bullied by my peers. There were only a few instances of physical abuse but I was made fun of for being different and a goody goody on a daily basis. To make matters worse, every girl I expressed any interest in rejected me - often harshly and with public humiliation. I was told by the adults in my life that things would get better when I got older, that women would value a sweet, caring, smart guy like me.
I graduated in the top 2% of my class and went into college where my luck with the ladies continued to be nonexistent. Things didn't get any better as I started my career. During the second phase of my career, I worked on losing weight, getting fit, attending a host of social events (from hiking to bar crawls) and exuding confidence. I enjoyed the activities but still found myself rejected by every woman I expressed interest in.
During the third phase of my career, I put my romantic pursuits on the back burner and dove into my job, where I have excelled. Around the same time, I began virtually mentoring a young girl who had lost her mother at 8 years old and her father at 11. Despite those tragedies, she was as cheerful as a preteen could be. And she had the brightest future ahead of her with great grades. It gave me purpose and pride.
Shortly after the start of the pandemic, this girl - then age 14 - began telling me that her internet was intermittent. By summer 2021, our contact had mostly been severed. She claimed that her alcoholic and emotionally abusive aunt refused to do anything about it so I made several unsuccessful attempts to help. Around the holidays of that year, I started experiencing major panic attacks, brought on by PTSD involving a situation about which I do not wish to share.
By spring 2022, I was a basket case and started attending weekly EMDR therapy. I was also prescribed Zoloft, which was increased to 175 mg by the end of last year without much benefit. After the new year, my psychiatrist switched me over to Prozac. Yet for well over a year now, I've been suffering from debilitating anxiety and depression and have never felt more hopeless and alone in my entire life.
I take care of my elderly mother, who has been through two emergency surgeries over the past eight months. And last summer I made two unsuccessful suicide attempts - one involving sleeping pills and vodka and another involving a belt. Having never been on a date, had a girlfriend or even been kissed as I approach 40, I accept that I will never experience the pleasure of companionship or being loved. And I've longed for those things for so long that the pain is too hard to bear and I'm ready to end my life.
The cherry on top is that I happened upon some social media posts featuring my former mentee, who I've learned lied about everything since the possibilit pandemic. She is now a 17-year-old prostitute who attends parties, filled with drugs and alcohol, as the designated gang-bangee. I have failed her. I have failed myself. And I have failed life.
I want to go as painlessly as possible. And please don't tell me to hang in there for my mom. With her medical issues, she'd be better off without having to watch me cry and scream day in and day out. She's got pets to keep her company and if I couldn't even save one girl and don't deserve love, then I'd like my suffering to send. Where do I start and how soon can it be done?
I graduated in the top 2% of my class and went into college where my luck with the ladies continued to be nonexistent. Things didn't get any better as I started my career. During the second phase of my career, I worked on losing weight, getting fit, attending a host of social events (from hiking to bar crawls) and exuding confidence. I enjoyed the activities but still found myself rejected by every woman I expressed interest in.
During the third phase of my career, I put my romantic pursuits on the back burner and dove into my job, where I have excelled. Around the same time, I began virtually mentoring a young girl who had lost her mother at 8 years old and her father at 11. Despite those tragedies, she was as cheerful as a preteen could be. And she had the brightest future ahead of her with great grades. It gave me purpose and pride.
Shortly after the start of the pandemic, this girl - then age 14 - began telling me that her internet was intermittent. By summer 2021, our contact had mostly been severed. She claimed that her alcoholic and emotionally abusive aunt refused to do anything about it so I made several unsuccessful attempts to help. Around the holidays of that year, I started experiencing major panic attacks, brought on by PTSD involving a situation about which I do not wish to share.
By spring 2022, I was a basket case and started attending weekly EMDR therapy. I was also prescribed Zoloft, which was increased to 175 mg by the end of last year without much benefit. After the new year, my psychiatrist switched me over to Prozac. Yet for well over a year now, I've been suffering from debilitating anxiety and depression and have never felt more hopeless and alone in my entire life.
I take care of my elderly mother, who has been through two emergency surgeries over the past eight months. And last summer I made two unsuccessful suicide attempts - one involving sleeping pills and vodka and another involving a belt. Having never been on a date, had a girlfriend or even been kissed as I approach 40, I accept that I will never experience the pleasure of companionship or being loved. And I've longed for those things for so long that the pain is too hard to bear and I'm ready to end my life.
The cherry on top is that I happened upon some social media posts featuring my former mentee, who I've learned lied about everything since the possibilit pandemic. She is now a 17-year-old prostitute who attends parties, filled with drugs and alcohol, as the designated gang-bangee. I have failed her. I have failed myself. And I have failed life.
I want to go as painlessly as possible. And please don't tell me to hang in there for my mom. With her medical issues, she'd be better off without having to watch me cry and scream day in and day out. She's got pets to keep her company and if I couldn't even save one girl and don't deserve love, then I'd like my suffering to send. Where do I start and how soon can it be done?
