Venting A living contradiction...

[Conflict_]

I'm slowly losing my patience and will. I feel like a living contradiction - seemingly both with low self esteem and yet narcissistic, wanting to work but lazy, with an artistic mind but lacking creativity..? The list goes on and on but it doesn't end there... It's like something or someone above is playing a horrible prank on me. Everything I say with certainty is always negated - I am bound to never be correct. Any time I get "too much" self confidence, I get crushed back down to "where I belong"... I'm getting tired, I don't want to live in this curse anymore, yet something is still holding me back? I don't know anymore. I still have some things to live for but they seem to be more and more distanr from becoming reality. Joining my recent suicidal thoughts, there's also my long-gone shyness, low self-esteem. It has been asleep all this time, I thought I finally got rid of it... It's like the universe is trying to test me, trying to see what it takes to break me. I want it to be over already, yet I also want to go on. Ctb seems more and more reasonable yet it feels like I'll never follow through anyways. I'm stuck in an odd hellish place always between two contradictions, in a position in which both apply to me. It's getting harder for me to cope with it and I'm very close to breaking down. Please help, be it with a permanent end or a way to push through...

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound so tiring being trapped in that situation, it's just so incredibly unfair how such suffering is even able to exist, but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.