Venting a little of me...

[Michelstaedter]

For a long time I have suffered from depression, and in recent years I have also suffered from a marked anxiety. I tried to alleviate it with antidepressants and benzos that were prescribed to me and at first everything was good or at least hopeful. Speaking of the last 10 years, I have to say that I have been falling to the bottom of an abyss with no way out, I have been seeing how high school or college classmates with whom I used to have a certain friendship, were "disappearing" from my life, either because of work, because of their personal plans, because they had made other "more interesting" friendships and many other reasons. In a nutshell, I was left alone.
I sought psychological help and a little psychiatric help, it didn't work, I am currently skeptical that psychiatric medications can help solve a problem that will not end, much less in a world as wild as the one we live in, where many of us are segregated and are only seen as "poor sick people." I tried to make friends on social media, and I found disgustingly ill-intentioned people with other situations that made it impossible to have a healthy coexistence or simply mutual support to cope with the situation. In the end, in my last foray into "self-help groups", I only found people with "I'm the same, I feel very depressed" and what was worse, those who for some reason were in those groups but told you things like: "stop complaining! You need balls to fight and keep living".
To finish this "a little bit about me", is that I am no longer interested in anything. I tried to have a girlfriend when I was younger and failed, as I said in some post, it was more due to lack of affection and emotional emptiness than because I saw it as a help or reason to "heal" my emotional wounds. I have no friends, no job (I have never had a formal one) and if that were not enough, what gave me drive all these years were my pets, of which I have seen them die one by one, until now I only have one left and frankly, the day he dies, I would prefer not to continue in this world, of which I am tired, fed up, with physical ailments, constant anxiety and pain that makes existence difficult. a terrible agony.
I feel sorry for my father, but I have already given him "clues" that I will not be in this world one day. He will suffer, unfortunately, but sooner or later it will have to come and if I wait until the day he dies, I don't know if I will still have the same impetus to end it all or if I will just be "absent" mentally, so as to be lucid and end my life as I almost always wanted.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

For a long time I have suffered from depression, and in recent years I have also suffered from a marked anxiety. I tried to alleviate it with antidepressants and benzos that were prescribed to me and at first everything was good or at least hopeful. Speaking of the last 10 years, I have to say that I have been falling to the bottom of an abyss with no way out, I have been seeing how high school or college classmates with whom I used to have a certain friendship, were "disappearing" from my life, either because of work, because of their personal plans, because they had made other "more interesting" friendships and many other reasons. In a nutshell, I was left alone.
I sought psychological help and a little psychiatric help, it didn't work, I am currently skeptical that psychiatric medications can help solve a problem that will not end, much less in a world as wild as the one we live in, where many of us are segregated and are only seen as "poor sick people." I tried to make friends on social media, and I found disgustingly ill-intentioned people with other situations that made it impossible to have a healthy coexistence or simply mutual support to cope with the situation. In the end, in my last foray into "self-help groups", I only found people with "I'm the same, I feel very depressed" and what was worse, those who for some reason were in those groups but told you things like: "stop complaining! You need balls to fight and keep living".
To finish this "a little bit about me", is that I am no longer interested in anything. I tried to have a girlfriend when I was younger and failed, as I said in some post, it was more due to lack of affection and emotional emptiness than because I saw it as a help or reason to "heal" my emotional wounds. I have no friends, no job (I have never had a formal one) and if that were not enough, what gave me drive all these years were my pets, of which I have seen them die one by one, until now I only have one left and frankly, the day he dies, I would prefer not to continue in this world, of which I am tired, fed up, with physical ailments, constant anxiety and pain that makes existence difficult. a terrible agony.
I feel sorry for my father, but I have already given him "clues" that I will not be in this world one day. He will suffer, unfortunately, but sooner or later it will have to come and if I wait until the day he dies, I don't know if I will still have the same impetus to end it all or if I will just be "absent" mentally, so as to be lucid and end my life as I almost always wanted.

I'm so sorry for what you have experienced
the world is wild, unfair, and brutal in ways that often seem specifically designed to crush people who feel deeply, struggle and don't fit neatly into the expectations society lays out which constantly makes you feel that your pain keeps weakening you or that you just need to "stop complaining" and fight life
it only reinforces the feeling that you don't belong here but the fact that you've made it this far despite everything you just said proves your strength
maybe you might not see it that way but surviving this long in a world that has given you so little reason to keep going is not easy for everyone
you're strong and I hope you find your peace regardless of what you choose to do

 

[Michelstaedter]

I'm so sorry for what you have experienced
the world is wild, unfair, and brutal in ways that often seem specifically designed to crush people who feel deeply, struggle and don't fit neatly into the expectations society lays out which constantly makes you feel that your pain keeps weakening you or that you just need to "stop complaining" and fight life
it only reinforces the feeling that you don't belong here but the fact that you've made it this far despite everything you just said proves your strength
maybe you might not see it that way but surviving this long in a world that has given you so little reason to keep going is not easy for everyone
you're strong and I hope you find your peace regardless of what you choose to do

Thank you for your words, especially the last part.
I see a lot of suffering here on this forum, and I don't want to belittle any of it. Over the years, I've come to understand that anyone who experiences existential pain or is suffering from a particular situation deserves people's empathy. Unfortunately, we know that's not the case. Therefore, while I'm on this forum, I'll share some of my thoughts, but I also hope, deep down, that, just as you do, their decisions bring them peace and happiness.
Again, thank you for reading and thank you for your good wishes.