Story a little bit of me

[dopaminenthusiast]

I just recently found this page thanks to a youtube video condemning both SS and, of course, the creators of it. Not gonna lie, the video itself was interesting, so I decided to give it a try. I'm a 21 years old female from a latin american country (I'm sorry if there is any typos in this as english is my second language) and you can say my mental health history is a bit confusing. I've been a lonely and sad person since I can remember. I'm extremely anxious and don't know either like how to interact with people, I do have friends but up to this day, I don't know how to talk to them (I usually sit in silence in our meetings and listen to the conversation like a podcast lol). Also, I am scared to live, to the idea of life itself.
It's been a while now since I started to think not everybody in this world knows how to live. I'm one of them. I don't know how to face all the difficulties life puts you on. You can say I'm a coward, and I used to think that way too, but think about all the different people in this world, think about their lives and the opportunities they had that you and me didn't, and won't have also, because life isn't fair as we know it. I was born, raised and currently live in an extremely toxic family, not a day passes by without hearing screams, insults, towards me and everyone at the same time. They are just so so angry, and I can't blame them We are poor, unhappy and hopeless. The differences here are that I'm way too empathic (and the only one in the family tbh) and also the punchbag in the house. I've already told myself a countless times I shouldn't give a shit for the people that don't give a shit about me either, but I can't stop feeling so sad for them, and again, hopeless. I truly, and can't stress this enough, don't know why they want to keep living at this point. I don't.
I don't want to be the trash can of their hate. I don't want to have to push myself harder because all the obstacles people keep putting in my life. I don't want to keep feeling nobody cares about me just a bit as I care for them. I don't want to feel the void growing on my chest. I don't want to feel lonely and vulnerable. And i don't want to feel sad for other people's shit lifes because it's more than enough with mine, but i can't stop feeling bad for them too. I can undestand if you think it's stupid because I think the same.
In simple words, I just hate life and don't think a sad, extremely anxious and anti-social person like me it's prepared for it.
Since 2019 until 2021 I was at my worst. I had two suicide attemps that were stupidly unsuccessful. I started therapy (fun fact: i also started college at that time, major in psychology which is so ironic) and was prescripted medications. 2022 was somehow a good year. In 2023 I learned a lot of things about myself, and i'm now in the attempt to discover who I truly am before the end. One of the things I learned is how easy benzodiazepines, opioids and literally any kind of drug are to get here. You can buy them, they are not that expensive, or you can get them for free in a medical center (legal or "medical" drugs of course). And that's how I'm gonna do it. I have a few tablets of the most known benzodiazepine now, I know how to use it, what to do and what do not.
Sometimes I ask myself when is the correct time to ctb, when will I get to rest, to be in peace, in silence. I think you should be 100% sure to the idea of killing yourself before you try it, you must not do it if there is a little little doubt in you. I still doubt, maybe because there is still a little little of hope that someday things will be better, and life will be easier.
Not sure if somebody is going to read all of this, but if you did, thank you. One of the things I want the most is to be heared, to be seen.
Have a nice day :)

 

[neverLoved]

I read and heard it, I am sorry that hellish life has brought you here. The part about feeling sorry for your own family is very relatable, at the same time you know that you should set boundaries and stop caring about someone who apparently doesn't care about you. But for some reason you always end up feeling bad for them.

I have the same with my own family, although they did everything wrong. I still get this feeling of pity and regret because oh they did give me a roof over my head and I had food! It is like your brain just completely forgets the extreme abuse and emotional neglect you have endured.

 

[mehdone]

You have been heard, and seen.
Life is… well, life is a bitch.
I wish it was easier on us all.

I would caution you against an OD- they are very rarely successful, although with opioids, one might have more success. Still, there is a strong chance of failure and ending up in a much worse position.

 

[sylvaticus]

Since we cannot predict the future with any sort of accuracy, I don't know if we can be completely sure that we want to do it. I think there's always an element of impulse associated with the act.

 

[dopaminenthusiast]

I read and heard it, I am sorry that hellish life has brought you here. The part about feeling sorry for your own family is very relatable, at the same time you know that you should set boundaries and stop caring about someone who apparently doesn't care about you. But for some reason you always end up feeling bad for them.

I have the same with my own family, although they did everything wrong. I still get this feeling of pity and regret because oh they did give me a roof over my head and I had food! It is like your brain just completely forgets the extreme abuse and emotional neglect you have endured.

Yeah, I feel sorry your are facing those problems as well. Personally, I can't stop hating myself when I put aside my own feelings and sadness to take care for someone who is an asshole with me 70% of the day. But I think it's the way it is to me, a part of my personality you can say. Even if these are not happy thoughts, I do feel happy to have someone who understands me because it's going through the same. I wish you find some peace of mind.

You have been heard, and seen.
Life is… well, life is a bitch.
I wish it was easier on us all.

I would caution you against an OD- they are very rarely successful, although with opioids, one might have more success. Still, there is a strong chance of failure and ending up in a much worse position.

Thank you very much, I'll take note of what you said and make some more research

Since we cannot predict the future with any sort of accuracy, I don't know if we can be completely sure that we want to do it. I think there's always an element of impulse associated with the act.

I agree at some point, you can't predict the future of your life, so you can't be sure of such an important decision. But there are people asking for help because they don't want to die, but don't want to keep suffering and don't see any other choice, I was talking about them.