Venting A horrible morning of arguements:

[MeltingHeart]

My mistake - saying something back to someone that they had said to me in the first place!! Basically a while back-maybe two weeks or more- you may have seen me vent ALOT about my SN being sound and taken- yes I ordered the parcel to their house-but as soon as I had it I was going to quietly go off somewhere and do what I needed to do- after all they themselves have said at the end of the day im an adult and no one can stop me if thats what I want to do (even though they did stop me by taking it away!) I had promised I wouldnt try anything again in their house following an OD prior to that- and I was always going to stay true to that. However following the SN thing- I got repeatedly shouted at in my face-selfish, disrupting their lives, putting other people lives at risk, not fair someone would have to find me dead etc etc. During this arguement they shouted at me something along the lines of- why dont you just go off somewhere remote like Wales or something if you want to do it!! (as in supposedly this would be better-even though its a weird arguement-someone will always have to discover me!) And also I WAS going to go somewhere as soon as my parcel had arrived. The enviroment at 'home' is toxic! They hate me, accusing me of being selfish, irrational , effecting their lives etc- So all I said was- 'Maybe you right I should just go off somewhere remote' (as they had said to me a few weeks back-) and they BLEW up in my face, literally yelling at me in my face, slating everything about me-how dare I bring that up again, how selfish I am, how manipulative, how dare I talk about suicide again in their house, how I shouldnt have thrown that in their face as they said thing to me two weeks ago etc etc All I am trying to do is find an answer, a resolution, to extricate myself from their lives so that they can be free and so can I. Im literally not allowed talk about how I feel at all (as of course I have no desire to live-which equals to them talking about suicide) so i either have to just be a mute- or just lie-like pretend I am happy (v.v hard to do) pretend everything is normal, pretend i want to 'get better' -which to me seems much more emotionally manipultive than being honest and talking about how I am genuinly feeling- but no if i do that I will get screamed at. Ive never been a selfish person, ive always put others need first, always thought of others feelings, always listening never being listened too- part of the reason I am now so damaged- as I never looked out for my own needs first- So to repeatedly be told that over and over again is just destroying me even more. If they had let me keep my SN i would have been gone by now- and they would be free of this horrible, selfish and disuptive person they accuse me of being. They would sooner have me locked up by the white coats than let me have a peaceful passing- then they would be free of me, they can blame it all on 'mental illness' and not have to deal with the guilt of everyone questioning why their daughter/ step daughter topped herself !!!

 

[SinisterKid]

I get asked frequently in the real world "How are you"? I just reply, "Yeah, ok, plodding along" which is what they want to hear. It works, dont knock it, they leave me alone.

The rest of the stuff that is going on, that is for here, with people who understand and can empathise. You are not ok, I am not ok, thats why we are both here on this forum.What happens at home stays at home, what happens here stays here. The 2 just dont appear to mix very well unfortunately. I honestly think that suicidal people speak a different language than the rest of the population, which is why you get the responses you get, they simply do not understand, stop trying to make them.

 

[TAW122]

Yeah I've stopped trying to convince people IRL about topics regarding suicide, euthanasia (unless talking about terminal illness and such, even then, I tread carefully), and anything to do with death. @SinisterKid is right about the general populace not understanding (or wanting to 'understand') suicidal people and it's better to just let them say their niceties and protocol and then go about one's day. Agreed that this is the only place where people like me, and others are able to 'honestly' talk about suicide and death uncensored and freely, without fear of being locked up or suffer IRL consequences as a result of suicide ideation.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I get asked frequently in the real world "How are you"? I just reply, "Yeah, ok, plodding along" which is what they want to hear. It works, dont knock it, they leave me alone.

The rest of the stuff that is going on, that is for here, with people who understand and can empathise. You are not ok, I am not ok, thats why we are both here on this forum.What happens at home stays at home, what happens here stays here. The 2 just dont appear to mix very well unfortunately. I honestly think that suicidal people speak a different language than the rest of the population, which is why you get the responses you get, they simply do not understand, stop trying to make them.

But I just can't pretend anymore- my desire to ctb is too strong - I wake up hysterical every single day because I hate waking up- I can't act like I'm normal or ok anymore- everyday I get worse- because every day is another day I feel I really shouldn't be in existence anymore. Also they had said to me - why don't you go off somewhere remote if that's what you really want to do- so I thought it would be ok to quote it back to them. They also said we can't stop you if that's what you want to do- but they did and / are stopping ok. Well via the method I wanted anyway. And they won't help me find a temp place to stay now as they know I just want to go there to "off" myself as they call if- and sadly due to the state I do need their help but they won't help me- I can't pretend it's cos I'm fine and just want to go and live somewhere -they know that is not the case- so I am literally trapped in life - unless I go off today and use a method I'm v scared of and can't do as I have tried many times already :(

Yeah I've stopped trying to convince people IRL about topics regarding suicide, euthanasia (unless talking about terminal illness and such, even then, I tread carefully), and anything to do with death. @SinisterKid is right about the general populace not understanding (or wanting to 'understand') suicidal people and it's better to just let them say their niceties and protocol and then go about one's day. Agreed that this is the only place where people like me, and others are able to 'honestly' talk about suicide and death uncensored and freely, without fear of being locked up or suffer IRL consequences as a result of suicide ideation.

The presumption is that because I want to ctb I have a mental illness- I'm taking the meds- which they just keep upping and upping- they do nothing -as I knew they wouldn't - they want me to go for therapy - but what they don't understand is therapy takes not just weeks but months or years even- I simply can not handle feeling the way I do anymore for that length of time, also everyone know that therapy only works if you want to "get better" you want to talk & you want the help- it doesn't work if you simply don't want it- they tell me to stop looking things up and thinking I know best, or thinking I know better than the professionals when I haven't even tried it- but that isn't just my research- ANY professionals will say it won't work if that person doesn't want to get better - and I don't. I have nothing to "get better" for. That what they don't understand.