A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Bus Stop...

[NeverGoodEnuff]

This is my first post here, after the intro, and it may seem strange but I hope you find it as funny as I do, in a sick sort of way.

Two years ago, during a good time, I gave my gun away as a defensive measure. Then, I again fell into the black pit and on impulse, went into a gun shop and bought a hand gun. The lady who owns the shop is in her late eighties and what a character. The impulse passed, I continued to struggle but did not have the nerve to pull the trigger on a pistol I did not know how to use. So I decided to take a class to learn how to use it. A gun safety class so I could kill myself. Makes sense, right?

It took a lot of deep breathing and self talk to go because, like so many here, I do not do well in groups, high anxiety, etc. But I was determined.

The class had several hours of actual shooting at a range. It was actually fun! I couldn't remember the last time I felt so good. More classes are offered but the whole group thing just weighed me down. So... I signed up for private lessons.

So, here is the funny part. All of the pro-life advice says to get a hobby. When one is so depressed and suicidal, really? A hobby? They gotta be kidding! I could barely get up and dressed, I can't tolerate being around people, you all get this. I took a gun class to shoot myself and guess what? I like shooting, have been feeling better, still think of CTB, but it's in the background now, like elevator music or music on hold. Because... shooting and guns have become a hobby! LMAO!! The other day, I told someone I would trade TP for ammunition. Figures that I found something to do and there is a supply shortage. Sigh.

I know I am just treading water and that the black pit will suck me down again. But for now, at least I can breathe a bit better. And when the tine comes, I will know what I am doing. Hey pro-lifers! You might have a good point about the hobby thing -- it may be a big help.

 

[Jellyfish42]

Lol, quite the ironic situation you've found yourself in. I'd say stick with it if it's the only thing keeping you afloat. It's something rather than nothing. And if you're thinking to ctb anyway why not stay a while longer and explore this new found interest.

Now if only I can develop an interest in chemistry with this SN

 

[Antigonish]

It's always funny that the things that keep us away from ctb, are the things that lead us to it the most. The things that lead us to a successful attempt.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What a fabulous post! And I like shooting, too.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Thanks all.

It started with a small .380 semi auto, which was awful. Traded it back for a used Sig Sauer .45, much better. Then added a CZ 9mm with bells and whistles, which I like the best so far.

The training has turned to tactical, which I can only describe as "street fighting". Anger is a great motivator and in the training scenarios, one can feel that anger. One exercise was to place six shots in the exact same spot from five yards and all mine were within an inch of each other. The instructor asked what I did. I told him I imagined a certain person as the target (true). It felt so good to turn that anger outward, rather than inward. I always blame myself when someone is ugly to me, which always leads to strong thoughts of CTB, self-hatred and self blame. This is better than any medication or psychotherapy. No, I will not go out and shoot up a mall, nor do I want to conceal carry. But this learning how to defend myself is changing the way I think, just a little so far and it may be temporary but for now it's good. I'll take it. Who knew?

I am worried that with winter coming (where I live, winters are real winters with lots of snow), the outdoor range, the only range, will not be a fun place to play. We shall see.

The struggle will continue and my heart goes out to all of you who suffer every minute of every day. I have told no one of my suicidal thoughts, except here and now. It feels very strange to do so.

Meanwhile, I have a Plan, the means to carry it out, and that alone does strangely help as others have said in different threads. Now to shore up the intestinal fortitude.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

As a fellow firearms enthusiast I know how much fun it can be. I got into them in a similar way that you did. My preferred method is no longer a shotgun but it's always good to have options.

These 3 are my most recent firearm purchases. I've been looking at getting a new pistol and I probably will in the next few weeks.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

it's nice that you've found something that's keeping you afloat, even if it's only temporary. i've always wondered what shooting a gun feels like.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

What shooting a gun feels like...

At first, I was just scared and had to resist fleeing. There were six of us, all shooting simultaneously. O M G. I have been in fight or flight situations before and always fled. It wasn't a choice that time because my goal was to be able to use that skill to CTB. With private lesson number four, I realized I was in control and the feeling of personal power was such a surprize. I am not at their mercy. I can do this. I am not a miserable failure. That line from Crocodile Dundee came to mind, "that's not a knife, THIS is a knife." And go ahead, make my day you (insert nasty name here). Watch this! That is how it feels when I am shooting. All these years under this belt (which, btw, holds my holster! Ha!), and this is the first time in my life I have not felt helpless. What a high. Alcohol and pot just make me vomit, I refuse to take rx meds because once you tell a dr about this, you are pegged forever. Caffeine and nicotine are my drugs of choice but don't work very well.

@Brickinthewall: nice! I haven't any long guns, yet. Is that pistol a Shield? Do you do skeet? Oh, and the rifle is very sexy! Hmmm....maybe....

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thanks all.

It started with a small .380 semi auto, which was awful. Traded it back for a used Sig Sauer .45, much better. Then added a CZ 9mm with bells and whistles, which I like the best so far.

The training has turned to tactical, which I can only describe as "street fighting". Anger is a great motivator and in the training scenarios, one can feel that anger. One exercise was to place six shots in the exact same spot from five yards and all mine were within an inch of each other. The instructor asked what I did. I told him I imagined a certain person as the target (true). It felt so good to turn that anger outward, rather than inward. I always blame myself when someone is ugly to me, which always leads to strong thoughts of CTB, self-hatred and self blame. This is better than any medication or psychotherapy. No, I will not go out and shoot up a mall, nor do I want to conceal carry. But this learning how to defend myself is changing the way I think, just a little so far and it may be temporary but for now it's good. I'll take it. Who knew?

I am worried that with winter coming (where I live, winters are real winters with lots of snow), the outdoor range, the only range, will not be a fun place to play. We shall see.

The struggle will continue and my heart goes out to all of you who suffer every minute of every day. I have told no one of my suicidal thoughts, except here and now. It feels very strange to do so.

Meanwhile, I have a Plan, the means to carry it out, and that alone does strangely help as others have said in different threads. Now to shore up the intestinal fortitude.

Nice one! Ironic.
There is something to be said for allowing yourself to feel your feelings instead of suppressing them. I guess the key is finding an acceptable channel for the negative feelings and it appears you may have done that for the anger. I suspect, at least in some ways, this is healthier than suppressing things with medication.
I believe there is a time for everything. When I'm depressed, I allow myself to be depressed, when I'm anxious, I let that happen to, and when I feel happy, I revel in it whilst it lasts. Course, it's not that easy when things get in the way of your life.

I'm in the UK, but I travelled in the Western states and stayed on a ranch where i was taught how to shoot. I really enjoyed it. I loved single action revolvers and lever action rifles. They felt dangerous and were hard to use, like they were worthy of some respect. However, I hated using an assault rifle. It felt like a cheap plastic toy that was far too easy to hit stuff with. There was no satisfaction. As far as I can tell, the ammo appeared to be designed to maim rather than kill.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

All of the pro-life advice says to get a hobby. When one is so depressed and suicidal, really? A hobby?

Their advice is like a temporary solution to a permanent problem! :)