Venting A fluke in the system of life.

[disappearingquietly]

In basic terms, I was a complete waste of valuable resources. Let me start at the beginning. I was concieved via IVF. The whole process costed around 20k. My parents loved me so much. They bought me lots of things. They tried to raise me as best as they could. To wrap that all up, I'm a complete waste! I'm ugly. I'm very asymmetrical. I'm absolutely fucking stupid. I'm autistic. I have contributed NOTHING to the human race. My parents did all of that, just to end up with me. I wish they had gotten another child. Anyone would've been better than me. I'm not sure if they even love me. I don't get how they could love me when I don't even love myself.

I was coddled when I was young. I became an asshole because of that. I was an entitled brat, at one point, and I couldn't be more embarrassed of myself. I had terrible separation anxiety. There's probably more that I've forgotten, but that's a good bit of it. I remember once, when I was about 10-11 years old, my cousin, who was about 22, called me a freak, I believe, because of how I was raised- If I remember correctly. It hurts to know that he's right. I've never fit in with extended family. I have no siblings. I've failed everyone, honestly.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm asking this because I'm genuinely confused but why do you want to contribute to the human race? I'm also autistic with an ugly appearance but I never once wanted to contribute to the human race. The human race doesn't care about you at all, doubly so because you're autistic. All humanity cares about is exploiting you so why would you want to contribute to them? They don't care about you at all nor will they ever care about you

 

[John8]

You didn't fail anyone, your parents/universe/existence failed you.

When you plant a tree and it grows all crooked, its leaves are brown and it bears no fruit. Is it the trees fault or the people who planted it and didn't make sure it's seed is of high quality and gets sufficient water on good soil etc etc.

Try to fix shit that is fixable and then make a decision if it is worth it to stick around.

 

[disappearingquietly]

I'm asking this because I'm genuinely confused but why do you want to contribute to the human race? I'm also autistic with an ugly appearance but I never once wanted to contribute to the human race. The human race doesn't care about you at all, doubly so because you're autistic. All humanity cares about is exploiting you so why would you want to contribute to them? They don't care about you at all nor will they ever care about you

I don't know. I just feel like I owe something to the human race. Like, to me, everyone around me has contributed something, but I've contributed nothing.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know. I just feel like I owe something to the human race. Like, to me, everyone around me has contributed something, but I've contributed nothing.

Why do you feel like you owe something to the human race though? You were born against your consent and you never once voluntarily signed a contract with them saying that you agree to serve them in exchange of being alive. Just because other people contribute doesn't mean that you have to as well. Of course if you want to contribute, that's your choice to make but I personally can't understand the decision behind it. At the end of the day though, it's to each their own I guess