A Farewell

[Professor K]

Hello everyone.

I can't believe this is my turn saying goodbye,

There are so many things I haven't accomplished, so many experiences I haven't enjoyed, so many creations I haven't finished, and never will.
It pains me to have to die already, to have to leave my familiar reality behind, and head for the unknown all alone, but I must do it.
I MUST because, frankly, I don't WANT to die. I have to and I know it.
I do not hate this world and humanity, far from it.
Though I've been neglected, felt misunderstood and alienated in my life, and that for a while I developped scorn and resentment because of it,
I now incessently feel nothing other than love and only desire peace of mind.

Some people in this world are not welcomed, some of us can't survive this. They can call it whatever: autism, mental illness, hypersensitivity...
If you're not an average and somewhat mindless person, then you're more or less done for. I accept my fatality. I'm not wired for this.

I'm done trying and pushing through everyday, pretending I'm getting better, being force-fed a pro-life narrative by those who could've prevented my decay years ago. There is a limit, a point of no return, and I believe to have reached it.
I feel more and more out of touch and disconnected from reality and I'm afraid of seeing my mental health deteriorating further as I grow into adulthood.
Nothing feels real anymore, and nothing external can heal a deeply broken soul. No one, other than myself, can help me anymore, it is too late.
For this reason I've been thinking deeply about what to do... And you know my conclusion.

So, in a few days, either on friday or saturday, I'll annoy people one last time by jumping under a train. Everything is ready, just gotta go and wait for a train, and I should be granted a lot of choice as the holidays are coming to an end here.
Honestly, I'm not scared of the afterlife, I lost people to CTB so if there's hell for us, well then I'll not be alone!
But I'm scared of failing my attempt, thus suffering even more, and I'm scared of the unknown, not of death itself, but that in my brain's desperate attempts of rationalizing it, I imagine unsettling things.
(Lol all those gymbros nowadays on social media saying ~get out of your comfort zone~ can't compare to literally, consciously leaving the comforting familiarity and everything you ever know forever!)

Guess that's been my life: short and complex. The best would've been never having been brought into existence but that's that, can't change the past. However I can decide for the future, and there it is.


Please be successful this time,

Love you all
Farewell

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck! I hope you find peace!

 

[diy-event]

Hello everyone.

I can't believe this is my turn saying goodbye,

There are so many things I haven't accomplished, so many experiences I haven't enjoyed, so many creations I haven't finished, and never will.
It pains me to have to die already, to have to leave my familiar reality behind, and head for the unknown all alone, but I must do it.
I MUST because, frankly, I don't WANT to die. I have to and I know it.
I do not hate this world and humanity, far from it.
Though I've been neglected, felt misunderstood and alienated in my life, and that for a while I developped scorn and resentment because of it,
I now incessently feel nothing other than love and only desire peace of mind.

Some people in this world are not welcomed, some of us can't survive this. They can call it whatever: autism, mental illness, hypersensitivity...
If you're not an average and somewhat mindless person, then you're more or less done for. I accept my fatality. I'm not wired for this.

I'm done trying and pushing through everyday, pretending I'm getting better, being force-fed a pro-life narrative by those who could've prevented my decay years ago. There is a limit, a point of no return, and I believe to have reached it.
I feel more and more out of touch and disconnected from reality and I'm afraid of seeing my mental health deteriorating further as I grow into adulthood.
Nothing feels real anymore, and nothing external can heal a deeply broken soul. No one, other than myself, can help me anymore, it is too late.
For this reason I've been thinking deeply about what to do... And you know my conclusion.

So, in a few days, either on friday or saturday, I'll annoy people one last time by jumping under a train. Everything is ready, just gotta go and wait for a train, and I should be granted a lot of choice as the holidays are coming to an end here.
Honestly, I'm not scared of the afterlife, I lost people to CTB so if there's hell for us, well then I'll not be alone!
But I'm scared of failing my attempt, thus suffering even more, and I'm scared of the unknown, not of death itself, but that in my brain's desperate attempts of rationalizing it, I imagine unsettling things.
(Lol all those gymbros nowadays on social media saying ~get out of your comfort zone~ can't compare to literally, consciously leaving the comforting familiarity and everything you ever know forever!)

Guess that's been my life: short and complex. The best would've been never having been brought into existence but that's that, can't change the past. However I can decide for the future, and there it is.


Please be successful this time,

Love you all
Farewell

May you find peace :)

 

[ma0]

I hope you're able to find the peace and happiness you're looking for.

 

[Dot]

Am srry tht lfe hs brght u 2 ths

R u 100% sre abt train in particulr

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the freedom from suffering you search for.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Truly sorry that you are going through this. Sending you love

 

[Professor K]

Thank you all for your kind words

Am srry tht lfe hs brght u 2 ths

R u 100% sre abt train in particulr

About the chosen method: yes, I know it is a harsh and risky one but there really isn't much choice left, hanging and partial hanging failed on multiple occasions and starving took way to long and was too noticable which had caused me to be forced into hospitalisation.
I can't overdose because of emetophobia and because it seem to fail very often compared to train.

Still wouldn't say 100% as my second choice was jumping out of a bridge or building but I haven't found a good spot for this and instead focused on train.

 

[theshund]

Good luck. My friend did the same as you just before Christmas. She was horribly mangled but lived and is now a proper mess permanently. Might be worth giving that some thought. Not trying to dissuade you, just questioning your method. Permanent disfigurement, pain and disability seems like a risk not worth taking, even if it means an even chance of escaping this hellish existence.

This is why it's worth planning and researching more effective methods with much lower odds of survival.

Plus you're going to traumatise a lot of people. Train driver for one. The responders who have to scrape you off the tracks. The innocent workers that have to hose you off the train. I would've said the same thing to my friend, though I share (and respect) his and your desire to ctb. I want that for myself.

 

[LukaParrot]

Peace man!

My hope is that you can finally rest and find a little of peace.

If you wanna talk or even give up, dont feel ashamed. That only means you're not ready and maybe there is still something worth in your life.

 

[sadlyexisting]

Good luck with your method, I hope everything goes as planned. May you find the peace and happiness you're looking for!

 

[kitkat9234]

Wishing you peace.

 

[Professor K]

Good luck. My friend did the same as you just before Christmas. She was horribly mangled but lived and is now a proper mess permanently. Might be worth giving that some thought. Not trying to dissuade you, just questioning your method. Permanent disfigurement, pain and disability seems like a risk not worth taking, even if it means an even chance of escaping this hellish existence.

This is why it's worth planning and researching more effective methods with much lower odds of survival.

Plus you're going to traumatise a lot of people. Train driver for one. The responders who have to scrape you off the tracks. The innocent workers that have to hose you off the train. I would've said the same thing to my friend, though I share (and respect) his and your desire to ctb. I want that for myself.

It is a risk worth taking, a friend of mine succeded with this method so I'm confident about it. Perhaps if I run towards the train and jump head first there will be no way I survive, which is what I plan on doing. And if I do survive that, then damn, I'd have to be brain dead or something.

 

[lnlybnny]

Some people in this world are not welcomed, some of us can't survive this. They can call it whatever: autism, mental illness, hypersensitivity...
If you're not an average and somewhat mindless person, then you're more or less done for. I accept my fatality. I'm not wired for this.

I relate to what you said so much. I'm sorry we're unable to fit in. I also see beauty in the world but don't feel me and my idiosyncrasies are welcome.

 

[Professor K]

Plus you're going to traumatise a lot of people. Train driver for one. The responders who have to scrape you off the tracks. The innocent workers that have to hose you off the train. I would've said the same thing to my friend, though I share (and respect) his and your desire to ctb. I want that for myself.

This sure is awful honestly, I think they are used to dealing with corpses but yeah, if anything I prefer that over my family or close friends seeing me dead on the floor or hanged...
In any case I'll traumatise people even if it were just an accident.

I'm so done living man.
People will only witness what life has done to me and how far it led me...
Everyone is getting more and more suicidal, even passively, that's how it is.
That's an expression of the absurd reality in front of them, and I hope it can save lives afterwards, parents being more caring with their children, teachers with their students, humans with each other, more united through the pain, more understanding...

 

[Roadrunner]

Good luck, hope the journey to peace is gentle for you.

 

[dexdbxtchthewxtch]

I hope you find peace on the other side!

 

[Alpenglow]

I hope its fast if you choose to follow through, regardless of what you choose I hope you find peace ^^

 

[thronesick]

i hope it is painless and if the pain persists i hope it's so quick you feel it for a moment. it's what you deserve. if it's peace that you want and need it is my only hope you find it.