Help A dilemma

[neilo99]

I have a problem I need some advise on if possible. Bit of background. I was diagnosed with epilepsy 30 years ago as a kid. Although not grand mal it was always petit mal seizures so I zombified for a bit. This has taken 25 years to control but now controlled I have had depressive psychosis for over 10 years. The drs have as near as said have there is not a lot more they can do. I am tired of living like this and looking to ctb when I feel the time is right. Still with me? Here's the dilemma. I have a great wife who although knows all my issues she certainly doesn't know how bad. She was making plans at the weekend to have a baby, renovate the house etc etc. I really don't know whether to ctb now, she wants to take a fat 50k loan out and planning a future. I am ctb at some point, I've tried to make myself better but my brain is screwed long ago. Which ever way the guilt is screwing me up

 

[Life+me=error]

Open up to your wife and tell her how bad it is. A good wife tends to have good ideas on how to fix a dilemma :)

Give your wife a chance to help you before you hurt her.

 

[neilo99]

I get where you are coming from and would give that advice myself, but my head is screwed, my brain and body are just so tired. I am carrying on because of my wife who is great, but it's all a facade. I don't know how to go to her knowing deep down I don't want to be on this earth

 

[Life+me=error]

deep down I don't want to be on this earth

I absolutely feel you. I want to go too but I look around me and I realize that I don't own my life by myself. I can't just selfishly decide to go. This is betrayal, I mean who invested years into my care? My parents and siblings. Who shaped me at school? My friends. They, in a way, own a little piece of my life. I mean afterall, we are social animals. We are interconnected like the stars in the sky.

You have come to a point when you have to make a decision to either stand up for yourself and your family or to take the easy way out.

I am struggling rn with the same thing. You are not alone. Wishing you strength!

 

[BPD_LE]

I keep the depth of my problems a secret from my other half too. He's great, like your wife. I'm used to keeping everything inside so struggle to open up to him. I think if I tell him I'm really suicidal, he will worry like hell and blame himself if I succeed. Whereas if he lives in ignorant bliss and I ctb, in my warped mind I feel that he would cope better because it came out of nowhere. If I tell him, it will be more difficult to do and will definitely cause problems in the relationship. That's me anyway.

This is betrayal, I mean who invested years into my care? My parents and siblings. Who shaped me at school? My friends. They, in a way, own a little piece of my life. I mean afterall, we are social animals. We are interconnected like the stars in the sky.

I owe these people nothing. They shaped me into the mess I am today. They betrayed me. I couldn't care less how they would feel.

 

[JSauter]

I get where you are coming from and would give that advice myself, but my head is screwed, my brain and body are just so tired. I am carrying on because of my wife who is great, but it's all a facade. I don't know how to go to her knowing deep down I don't want to be on this earth

Even if you cannot be dissuaded from suicide, you should let her know what you're going through before the act. The alternative would be to leave her in the dark while she plans her future with you - that would truly be terrible, right? If you're going to ctb, at least afford the one you love something to hinge clarity and closure upon to make sense of the situation after you pass.

 

[neilo99]

I keep the depth of my problems a secret from my other half too. He's great, like your wife. I'm used to keeping everything inside so struggle to open up to him. I think if I tell him I'm really suicidal, he will worry like hell and blame himself if I succeed. Whereas if he lives in ignorant bliss and I ctb, in my warped mind I feel that he would cope better because it came out of nowhere. If I tell him, it will be more difficult to do and will definitely cause problems in the relationship. That's me anyway.

That's pretty much how I feel. I just wish I had a fatal accident sometimes. Weird I know.

That's pretty much how I feel. I just wish I had a fatal accident sometimes. Weird I know.

 

[BPD_LE]

That's pretty much how I feel. I just wish I had a fatal accident sometimes. Weird I know.

Not weird, I get you. What would you say to me? Tell him or continue to hide it?

 

[Life+me=error]

I owe these people nothing. They shaped me into the mess I am today.

Unfortunately, what I mentioned does not apply to everyone,i know. What I wrote was mostly talking to myself out loud.

What would you say to me? Tell him or continue to hide it?

Tell him!

 

[neilo99]

Not weird, I get you. What would you say to me? Tell him or continue to hide it?

I would probably tell you to tell him, however it is easier to give advice than to take advice. That's why I was asking for a few views. I'll take all the advice on board though I know what I should do when I feel ok, when I get brain fog and massively down the thought of telling her would be impossible.

 

[BPD_LE]

Tell him!

Ignorance is bliss. Isn't it kinder not too?

I would probably tell you to tell him, however it is easier to give advice than to take advice. That's why I was asking for a few views. I'll take all the advice on board though I know what I should do when I feel ok

Yes it is easier to give advice than to take it, but I think you've answered your own question, and you're right, I think you know what to do x

 

[Rachel74]

My partner knows I want to die but not the seriousness of it. It's better the less he knows.