A day in my suicidal life

[PressEnterToExit]

I'm 28 years old now and since I was 19, I have what we can call a suicidal routine. I only worked for some months (and I don't consider working anymore because that's a nightmare I can't handle), and have spent the rest of my time locked at home. Yeah I've been locked for a whole decade. I tried almost everything to change my suicidal thoughts, I thought many times I could keep going on for good or bad, but I am sure now I won't get anything good from this life. Things only get worse, I am tired of trying. The most funny is that those times I tried to fix my life, it looked like people around me wasn't really happy to see me shine again, I didn't obtain anything good at those times but negative feedback from all the people I had arround, and it was like everybody was trying to pull me down since I used to be a person of light or something like that. I'm not a person of light anymore, I'm more like Satan now. In any case, my suicidal routine eventually comes back, she comes back always. I start smoking lots of weed, actually I start my day smoking a joint with a coffe in my bed. I try to get out of the routine at least for one day every now and then, so I can clean my house and taking care of me. The rest of the day I am at bed, I am fucking always at bed like if I couldn't move or something, or maybe like I am in a comma. There are days I get very desperate and take 3 or 4 lorazepam. And that's all. I just stay here in bed thinking about dunno what, and saving money to buy opioids to ctb. At least that's my plan now I hope my final plan. There was moments of my life when I used to spend my time drawing and reading, and feeling peaceful despite I wasn't happy. But I prefer to be drugged in bed rather than being reading or feeling "peaceful",cause it looks like everytime I feel good and take care of me, coock, read and sleep good, everybody arround start making me crazy. I think my neighbours and family want me to die. I have noticed during years that people don't like other people who is in peace being on their own, enjoying their solitude. People don't like other people who can produce inner peace for themselves, since most people don't have any kind of inner peace cause they only whatch tvand work,they all automatically become evil beings. Because despite they can look normal or even good people, when they are beside a really genuine and nice person, they start conscius or unconsciously making or saying things to cause harm. It may looks inoffensive,but it isn't. And I'm fucking tired of everybody doing this to me during my whole fucking life. I'm starting to feel like Dahmer.
Well actually, I started to have terrible thoughts a year ago. I think am a psychopath now, but I don't practice it. If it was possible, I would be doing such terrible things to people I am sure. I think a lot about it.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi sweet @David94spain ❤

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I totally understand your perception of life because like you I think that I never had a moment in this life where I had no suicidal thoughs.

When you say that you feel like a psychopath, obviously, I imagine that you mean that you have become indifferent to human beings?

I don't know if you want to get pleasure from the other person even if it means hurting them, I don't know if you feel narcissistic, overpowered, I don't know if you have an absence of remorse

And anyway, I'm not here to judge.

From what I read, I just feel a deep injustice in your words, an anger but also a sadness. Of course, your confessions about your risk of being bad to people, this is at the same time sad and to be honest, I'm a bit worried about your surroundings, the people, but also about you.

Don't do serious things, you are suffering like us and you will only make your suffering and the suffering of others worse

I'm really sorry for all this and I hope that I"m not hurting with my worlds

If only by snapping our fingers we could bring you the happiness and love you so richly deserve.

Anyway, you're strong,

Loving you ❤❤

 

[leeloosnow]

Hi @David94spain hope today find you well.
just a quick note that i read this and will look back over later
other people suck and just like i couldn't save all those that deserved it, i couldn't give those that deserved retribution that either. depends who's telling the story
there are prosocial psychopaths which i find interesting

 

[PressEnterToExit]

Hi @David94spain hope today find you well.
just a quick note that i read this and will look back over later
other people suck and just like i couldn't save all those that deserved it, i couldn't give those that deserved retribution that either. depends who's telling the story
there are prosocial psychopaths which i find interesting

I think to be a psychopath is pretty normal nowdays... It's something very human, when we feel attacked by almost everyone because we are marginalized or treated in a different way, you can start to hate and that increases. I know I will be feeling like this as long as I stay alive, I simply hate most of the people. When you are different everyone is violent with you in some way, you defenetely live in a life full of violent situations.

Hi sweet @David94spain ❤

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I totally understand your perception of life because like you I think that I never had a moment in this life where I had no suicidal thoughs.

When you say that you feel like a psychopath, obviously, I imagine that you mean that you have become indifferent to human beings?

I don't know if you want to get pleasure from the other person even if it means hurting them, I don't know if you feel narcissistic, overpowered, I don't know if you have an absence of remorse

And anyway, I'm not here to judge.

From what I read, I just feel a deep injustice in your words, an anger but also a sadness. Of course, your confessions about your risk of being bad to people, this is at the same time sad and to be honest, I'm a bit worried about your surroundings, the people, but also about you.

Don't do serious things, you are suffering like us and you will only make your suffering and the suffering of others worse

I'm really sorry for all this and I hope that I"m not hurting with my worlds

If only by snapping our fingers we could bring you the happiness and love you so richly deserve.

Anyway, you're strong,

Loving you ❤❤

Don't worry.

Hi sweet @David94spain ❤

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I totally understand your perception of life because like you I think that I never had a moment in this life where I had no suicidal thoughs.

When you say that you feel like a psychopath, obviously, I imagine that you mean that you have become indifferent to human beings?

I don't know if you want to get pleasure from the other person even if it means hurting them, I don't know if you feel narcissistic, overpowered, I don't know if you have an absence of remorse

And anyway, I'm not here to judge.

From what I read, I just feel a deep injustice in your words, an anger but also a sadness. Of course, your confessions about your risk of being bad to people, this is at the same time sad and to be honest, I'm a bit worried about your surroundings, the people, but also about you.

Don't do serious things, you are suffering like us and you will only make your suffering and the suffering of others worse

I'm really sorry for all this and I hope that I"m not hurting with my worlds

If only by snapping our fingers we could bring you the happiness and love you so richly deserve.

Anyway, you're strong,

Loving you ❤❤

Don't worry.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a horrible situation to be in, and it's true that humans can certainly be cruel. As long as humans are brought into this world they will experience and inflict suffering on to others. This is very tragic, in fact the existence of life in the first place is tragic. This life can certainly be tiring and I understand that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse.
I wish you the best.

 

[PressEnterToExit]

That sounds like a horrible situation to be in, and it's true that humans can certainly be cruel. As long as humans are brought into this world they will experience and inflict suffering on to others. This is very tragic, in fact the existence of life in the first place is tragic. This life can certainly be tiring and I understand that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse.
I wish you the best.

Well it's not so horrible I always think it could be worse.. I have sources to cover my basic needs and I can ctb. Thanks for your comment.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm 28 years old now and since I was 19, I have what we can call a suicidal routine. I only worked for some months (and I don't consider working anymore because that's a nightmare I can't handle), and have spent the rest of my time locked at home. Yeah I've been locked for a whole decade. I tried almost everything to change my suicidal thoughts, I thought many times I could keep going on for good or bad, but I am sure now I won't get anything good from this life. Things only get worse, I am tired of trying. The most funny is that those times I tried to fix my life, it looked like people around me wasn't really happy to see me shine again, I didn't obtain anything good at those times but negative feedback from all the people I had arround, and it was like everybody was trying to pull me down since I used to be a person of light or something like that. I'm not a person of light anymore, I'm more like Satan now. In any case, my suicidal routine eventually comes back, she comes back always. I start smoking lots of weed, actually I start my day smoking a joint with a coffe in my bed. I try to get out of the routine at least for one day every now and then, so I can clean my house and taking care of me. The rest of the day I am at bed, I am fucking always at bed like if I couldn't move or something, or maybe like I am in a comma. There are days I get very desperate and take 3 or 4 lorazepam. And that's all. I just stay here in bed thinking about dunno what, and saving money to buy opioids to ctb. At least that's my plan now I hope my final plan. There was moments of my life when I used to spend my time drawing and reading, and feeling peaceful despite I wasn't happy. But I prefer to be drugged in bed rather than being reading or feeling "peaceful",cause it looks like everytime I feel good and take care of me, coock, read and sleep good, everybody arround start making me crazy. I think my neighbours and family want me to die. I have noticed during years that people don't like other people who is in peace being on their own, enjoying their solitude. People don't like other people who can produce inner peace for themselves, since most people don't have any kind of inner peace cause they only whatch tvand work,they all automatically become evil beings. Because despite they can look normal or even good people, when they are beside a really genuine and nice person, they start conscius or unconsciously making or saying things to cause harm. It may looks inoffensive,but it isn't. And I'm fucking tired of everybody doing this to me during my whole fucking life. I'm starting to feel like Dahmer.
Well actually, I started to have terrible thoughts a year ago. I think am a psychopath now, but I don't practice it. If it was possible, I would be doing such terrible things to people I am sure. I think a lot about it.

I'm 28 years old now and since I was 19, I have what we can call a suicidal routine. I only worked for some months (and I don't consider working anymore because that's a nightmare I can't handle), and have spent the rest of my time locked at home. Yeah I've been locked for a whole decade. I tried almost everything to change my suicidal thoughts, I thought many times I could keep going on for good or bad, but I am sure now I won't get anything good from this life. Things only get worse, I am tired of trying. The most funny is that those times I tried to fix my life, it looked like people around me wasn't really happy to see me shine again, I didn't obtain anything good at those times but negative feedback from all the people I had arround, and it was like everybody was trying to pull me down since I used to be a person of light or something like that. I'm not a person of light anymore, I'm more like Satan now. In any case, my suicidal routine eventually comes back, she comes back always. I start smoking lots of weed, actually I start my day smoking a joint with a coffe in my bed. I try to get out of the routine at least for one day every now and then, so I can clean my house and taking care of me. The rest of the day I am at bed, I am fucking always at bed like if I couldn't move or something, or maybe like I am in a comma. There are days I get very desperate and take 3 or 4 lorazepam. And that's all. I just stay here in bed thinking about dunno what, and saving money to buy opioids to ctb. At least that's my plan now I hope my final plan. There was moments of my life when I used to spend my time drawing and reading, and feeling peaceful despite I wasn't happy. But I prefer to be drugged in bed rather than being reading or feeling "peaceful",cause it looks like everytime I feel good and take care of me, coock, read and sleep good, everybody arround start making me crazy. I think my neighbours and family want me to die. I have noticed during years that people don't like other people who is in peace being on their own, enjoying their solitude. People don't like other people who can produce inner peace for themselves, since most people don't have any kind of inner peace cause they only whatch tvand work,they all automatically become evil beings. Because despite they can look normal or even good people, when they are beside a really genuine and nice person, they start conscius or unconsciously making or saying things to cause harm. It may looks inoffensive,but it isn't. And I'm fucking tired of everybody doing this to me during my whole fucking life. I'm starting to feel like Dahmer.
Well actually, I started to have terrible thoughts a year ago. I think am a psychopath now, but I don't practice it. If it was possible, I would be doing such terrible things to people I am sure. I think a lot about it.

David, buddy, please look out for yourself. I know you feel bad, but there is a small spark of light inside of you. Please look for it. Much Love to you my troubled bro.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'm 28 years old now and since I was 19, I have what we can call a suicidal routine. I only worked for some months (and I don't consider working anymore because that's a nightmare I can't handle), and have spent the rest of my time locked at home. Yeah I've been locked for a whole decade. I tried almost everything to change my suicidal thoughts, I thought many times I could keep going on for good or bad, but I am sure now I won't get anything good from this life. Things only get worse, I am tired of trying. The most funny is that those times I tried to fix my life, it looked like people around me wasn't really happy to see me shine again, I didn't obtain anything good at those times but negative feedback from all the people I had arround, and it was like everybody was trying to pull me down since I used to be a person of light or something like that. I'm not a person of light anymore, I'm more like Satan now. In any case, my suicidal routine eventually comes back, she comes back always. I start smoking lots of weed, actually I start my day smoking a joint with a coffe in my bed. I try to get out of the routine at least for one day every now and then, so I can clean my house and taking care of me. The rest of the day I am at bed, I am fucking always at bed like if I couldn't move or something, or maybe like I am in a comma. There are days I get very desperate and take 3 or 4 lorazepam. And that's all. I just stay here in bed thinking about dunno what, and saving money to buy opioids to ctb. At least that's my plan now I hope my final plan. There was moments of my life when I used to spend my time drawing and reading, and feeling peaceful despite I wasn't happy. But I prefer to be drugged in bed rather than being reading or feeling "peaceful",cause it looks like everytime I feel good and take care of me, coock, read and sleep good, everybody arround start making me crazy. I think my neighbours and family want me to die. I have noticed during years that people don't like other people who is in peace being on their own, enjoying their solitude. People don't like other people who can produce inner peace for themselves, since most people don't have any kind of inner peace cause they only whatch tvand work,they all automatically become evil beings. Because despite they can look normal or even good people, when they are beside a really genuine and nice person, they start conscius or unconsciously making or saying things to cause harm. It may looks inoffensive,but it isn't. And I'm fucking tired of everybody doing this to me during my whole fucking life. I'm starting to feel like Dahmer.
Well actually, I started to have terrible thoughts a year ago. I think am a psychopath now, but I don't practice it. If it was possible, I would be doing such terrible things to people I am sure. I think a lot about it.

I'm sorry you feel like you aren't a person of light anymore, I can relate. I'm a similar age as you and while I've had periods with relatively low suicidal, I've been the majority of my life. The thing that pushes me closer to the end is that I have progressively less faith in humans, less likely to want to talk to them. Pleasant interactions are becoming more rare. People are very harmful even though I like to believe it's unconscious, they cannot help being that way, etc. But it really just makes me feel like I don't belong with humans.