Discussion a constant craving for love?

[fragmentary]

mostly a vent

i don't know if this is the result of being exposed to too many depictions of idealized romance growing up, but it both consoles and upsets me at times. for a long time i've had the feeling one day would just sweep into my life, treat me kindly and "save" me from all my problems, but i've come to realize that's not how it works at all.

i'm very shy, cannot talk to men nor maintain relationships (it takes up so much time and energy), have a hard time being vulnerable even with people i like (come off as overly aloof), and my mental problems especially get in the way. realistically putting up with me would require an immense amount of patience. but i've come to grow ashamed because i still want that kind of intimacy, and for someone to hold me. the most reasonable thing to do right now would be to focus on my own skills and other things like study/work, reading is a really good distraction, but at night especially, the loneliness flows back in. i feel so worthless, selfish and unloveable sometimes. nothing can really fill that space.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

I definitely get what you mean. I used to (and still do sometimes if I'm being honest) have this fantasy of being saved by someone. The loneliness can definitely be crushing and it's extremely hard to deal with effectively. At least for me personally, it's hard because I want to stop being lonely but I also don't at the same time, it's a vicious cycle. I've been trying to break out of it more recently but it's very hard.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

mostly a vent

i don't know if this is the result of being exposed to too many depictions of idealized romance growing up, but it both consoles and upsets me at times. for a long time i've had the feeling one day would just sweep into my life, treat me kindly and "save" me from all my problems, but i've come to realize that's not how it works at all.

i'm very shy, cannot talk to men nor maintain relationships (it takes up so much time and energy), have a hard time being vulnerable even with people i like (come off as overly aloof), and my mental problems especially get in the way. realistically putting up with me would require an immense amount of patience. but i've come to grow ashamed because i still want that kind of intimacy, and for someone to hold me. the most reasonable thing to do right now would be to focus on my own skills and other things like study/work, reading is a really good distraction, but at night especially, the loneliness flows back in. i feel so worthless, selfish and unloveable sometimes. nothing can really fill that space.

What mental problems are you facing? And what's an idealized romance?
I've come to realize everyone has some problem. I hope to find a realtionship that's mutually supportive. Being vulnerable is easier after you've developed trust.

 

[lita-lassi]

yearning for the comfort of a romantic love powerful enough to end our problems is universal enough that most libraries have large sections dedicated to the subject. the fantasy is nothing to be shameful of nor think ourselves weak or unworthy of wanting/having. almost all humans are wired to want that kind of connection even if it isn't permanent. i can empathize with feeling always awkward, painfully shy or socially unfit for any situation. though ive found from (awkwardly) breaching the subject of my behaviors with people that most had 0 idea i was "awkward" at all despite me feeling like i basically ruined everything. many of our percieved faults are very low on any others' radar unless we shine a spotlight on it. sometimes yes we do need to spend time working on ourselves until we feel more ready to try bonding deeply with another and part of that is managing expectations. i hope you find a deep and real love that brings you peace and a sense of home/belonging

 

[theboy]

Love comes when you least expect it

 

[BlendedHeart]

I also crave for love, intimacy, companionship, the idea someone likes me and cares about me. But I know no one has ever felt that for me. It isn't only a matter of looks. I'm shy, awkward, boring. I've tried to change things, but always get the same results.

I know it's my own fault. After many rejections, I'm tired of trying, and yet, deep inside, I still yearn for it, which makes life even more painful.

 

[SexyIncél]

for a long time i've had the feeling one day would just sweep into my life, treat me kindly and "save" me from all my problems, but i've come to realize that's not how it works at all.

It does happen (I know a case study), but pretty rare & quite often such romantic figures are punished. I'd guesstimate that those "selling the dream" are more likely. As illusions are easier to construct than solid realities

 

[Linda]

For love to last, it has to be a two-way thing. You want a partner who will look after you. That's fine. But what are you going to offer to that partner? You need to find someone who is compatible with you, in the sense that each of you can give something to the other. More prosaically, it means that each of you must have traits that the other lacks.

 

[Equaldentist]

I used to do this too, and although this may not apply to you, it turns out it's a really common symptom of codependency. Codependency is a condition developed growing up in an unstable environment where you don't feel like you can rely on yourself so you either trauma bond with the people around you (and people who remind you of those people) or a fantasy saviour, if you experience neglect/lack of connection from caregivers. I ended up relating to pretty much everything about the codependency condition, you might want to have a look too - https://coda.org/newcomers/what-is-codependence/

There are support meetings, literature and sponsors you can investigate if it interests you.

 

[carac]

I feel similar in that I have a very idealised view of love, I think like it's going to work like just in the movies. Only difference is I'm scared of intimacy, I don't really like touching other people or being close, just hoping I could find that other person I I could be comfortable with and feel safe.

Likewise I just thought it would happen but it never has, partly for reason that I didn't encourage it, I was very ill the past 10 years or so, I couldn't even entertain the idea of having a girlfriend, now I don't think it will ever happen.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

This all sounds fairly normal for the most part.

I'm also shy and very lonely. I have health issues too though not mental illness.

It might be carelessness on your part, but the one missing thing from your post is the lack of expressing the want to care for your partner too.

I want someone at least a bit damaged, and hopefully she'd help me with my struggles and I'd help her just as much too. We'd save each other rather than it being in one direction.