ABadPerson
something’s off | internet black goop
- Oct 24, 2025
- 106
20 years old. I am practically air, my entire life been spent on watching others continue on without me. I'm not exactly sure anymore why I am on this site, it just seemed like I had to come here; maybe it's hope? Or just solace. I learnt to just do avoid any resemblance of living like a 'person' in order to settle down my immense desire of not continuing on, not to die specifically but just physically be where I truly am spiritually: non-existence. I think this sort of thought process started when I was a child, as it helped me to just dissociate from the home abuse, lack of friends, poverty and bullying; later on as I got into relationships, I realised I seemed to lost (or never truly had) a certain part of me that makes a human...
My emotions are clearly there, I can see it physically but I just don't feel it in a true sense, like a mental block in my mind not allowing me to even reach through it. I learnt how to socialise with others extremely well but when I try to pretend I'm feeling anything deep, it seems as though others just sense something is off as time goes on or I simply leave before they do. I am like a broken doll, not even the most intimate/sexual moments has helped in any way, it just all gets so dull that I can't stop watching myself break down from it all yet not understanding why it seems so fake. I seem fake, just a faker that fakes until I eventually crack and fall. I will continue to crack and crack until there's nothing left, watching myself through a clear-tinted glass crumble into nothingness; I been on anti-depressants recently after my last attempt landing me in the hospital and it just making things worse due to the apparent sides, as now those breakdowns get more intense as I start focusing harder on why I can't feel anything yet feel everything. How tiring this existence is, I'm such an edgy loser. I just watch my life being played in third-person.
I continue to make issues for myself despite me having escaped my past, I just am a horrible person, yk? An extremely horrible, unempathetic one that can easily leave people behind with a single thought as long as I rationalise it to myself that I'm "helping" them by doing so, it's ironic; I went from the abused to the one repeating to hurting others...? No matter how people twist this, I objectively just am a bad person, I try not to be but trying is not 'enough' when the end result is the same; it's not physical sure, but the emotional and mental damage i cause just trying to 'love' someone my own way is just as bad. Why people even get so attached to someone like me I will never know, but I certainly can say that I've failed their expectations and trust every single time, the everlasting cosmic joke in the making.
Genuinely nothing works, and despite all of my immense bursts of loneliness to where I physically can't stop myself I firmly rather not simply 'try again'. Not when it brings about the harm for others, and certainly not when it'll be out of desperation rather than anything meaningful. I got blood on my hands that will never wash off and immense guilt over my head that I can never properly feel, which only piles onto that guilt more to the point where I just start watching their socials and stuff to check on them without them knowing; genuinely sick in the head. All I hope is that people just forget me easily, but I'll never forget each one as another sin I bear as well as the closest people to my 'heart' or whatever this is replacing one.
Sweet little first post, ay?
My emotions are clearly there, I can see it physically but I just don't feel it in a true sense, like a mental block in my mind not allowing me to even reach through it. I learnt how to socialise with others extremely well but when I try to pretend I'm feeling anything deep, it seems as though others just sense something is off as time goes on or I simply leave before they do. I am like a broken doll, not even the most intimate/sexual moments has helped in any way, it just all gets so dull that I can't stop watching myself break down from it all yet not understanding why it seems so fake. I seem fake, just a faker that fakes until I eventually crack and fall. I will continue to crack and crack until there's nothing left, watching myself through a clear-tinted glass crumble into nothingness; I been on anti-depressants recently after my last attempt landing me in the hospital and it just making things worse due to the apparent sides, as now those breakdowns get more intense as I start focusing harder on why I can't feel anything yet feel everything. How tiring this existence is, I'm such an edgy loser. I just watch my life being played in third-person.
I continue to make issues for myself despite me having escaped my past, I just am a horrible person, yk? An extremely horrible, unempathetic one that can easily leave people behind with a single thought as long as I rationalise it to myself that I'm "helping" them by doing so, it's ironic; I went from the abused to the one repeating to hurting others...? No matter how people twist this, I objectively just am a bad person, I try not to be but trying is not 'enough' when the end result is the same; it's not physical sure, but the emotional and mental damage i cause just trying to 'love' someone my own way is just as bad. Why people even get so attached to someone like me I will never know, but I certainly can say that I've failed their expectations and trust every single time, the everlasting cosmic joke in the making.
Genuinely nothing works, and despite all of my immense bursts of loneliness to where I physically can't stop myself I firmly rather not simply 'try again'. Not when it brings about the harm for others, and certainly not when it'll be out of desperation rather than anything meaningful. I got blood on my hands that will never wash off and immense guilt over my head that I can never properly feel, which only piles onto that guilt more to the point where I just start watching their socials and stuff to check on them without them knowing; genuinely sick in the head. All I hope is that people just forget me easily, but I'll never forget each one as another sin I bear as well as the closest people to my 'heart' or whatever this is replacing one.
Sweet little first post, ay?
