9/22 & 9/27

[exiled]

She was 27. Five days after her 27th, she CTB'd.
She was a member here, that's how I found out about SS.
My childhood best friend.
Today she would be 29.
Wednesday will be 2 years since she passed.

I found this website out because of her passing, and I have been using it for my own comfort and my own desire to CTB.
But today I am mad.
Mad that SS didn't try and stop her.
Mad that SS exists to give her resources.
Mad that SS was pro-choice for this one instance.
Mad that SS did not tell her that her best friend probably loves her.

And then I remember it isn't SS that I am mad at.
I am reminded that it is this sick, cruel world that leads us to make these decisions. SS didn't kill her. Society did. She would have never even sought out pro-choice resources if she wasn't already suicidal. And without SS, she may have found an even more painful way to go. And without SS, she may not have felt supported in her final years of life.

It isn't SS that I am mad at.
But grief is ugly.
I want to be mad at someone, something.
I keep searching for answers in some of her posts, or our text messages, in something.

I miss her dearly.

I am not pro-life but I do want to say: you never know who will painfully miss you every single day. That isn't to guilt you or for me to be selfish, but just know that whenever it is that you choose to CTB, you do not actually know that nobody would be sad.

She knew I'd be devastated. I am not mad that she chose to go, I am glad she is relieved of pain. But I miss her. My emotions are really messy right now and I have not even proof-read this post. Please don't feel the need to tell me I am being selfish or pro-life sounding.

I am just devastated. This whole week ahead is really hard and I just don't know how to move forward.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I've heard it is harder to watch someone die than to die yourself. So what you have described is valid. I just hope there was a perfect solution to everything, a way so that no one gets hurt. Alas the world is cruel and not that kind, especially to those of us who are mentally ill.

 

[SSamGarrison]

I am very sorry for you, I'm sure it's hard to lose a friend, especially knowing she felt the need to ctb. I do not think you're selfish, and I think everything you've said is understandable.

 

[exiled]

Thank you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and for your loss. You must be dealing with so many emotions.

It's a very difficult situation really. I think people are aware of what their suicide could do to those left behind. Many people hold on for years- even decades to avoid hurting others. Still- I guess it can get to a point where we can't live entirely for others. I'm so sorry for how you are suffering though. Did you find out her username here? Have you been able to read through her posts?