Duochrome-Seahorse
Some Person Who's Epic and Cool
- Feb 23, 2023
- 65
I wasn't able to make posts for the 90th day and so on, but now I've been thru enough to kinda put my thoughts together about what happened the last 2 months.
I got a job, at first I really loved the premise of it, it felt as if I was finally getting close to what would feel like a dream job. But honestly, I think it has woke me up again about something:
I wasn't supposed to live this long. I wasn't supposed to be an adult, I wasn't supposed to survive.
I don't have a solid dream, goals, theyre all are so short term and fleeting. Once they end, I don't feel accomplished, I feel, nothing. Yeah the initial feeling feels good, but the second it ends, I don't think about it anymore. It's like a drug, I chase the high, except the high gets shorter and shorter to the point where I feel disappointed that when I get what I want, I feel absolutely nothing. It's so annoying. I want to be happy like everyone, who cares about me, wants.
But today, I came to work, didn't sleep cuz I keep getting nightmares about being assaulted and chased by people who want to kill me, and I wanted to just go home. I stayed because I don't want to come off cold, I kinda want to come off tolerable, but oh my god I miss being home I want to cry.
I kinda took a breather and put things into a perspective i always had but now i have updated it:
It doesn't matter if it matters or not, my existence, non existence, are just, fine? Like if I cbt yeah I miss out on things, but that's, ok? Experiencing everything isn't possible, but Experiencing nothing is. I feel as if I stopped existing, it would be fine. Sure my family will be traumatized, but they will pass on like I do and be forgotten, so leaving them behind, is fine. Whether it's good or bad to leave my family behind, whatever I do is fine, because it's just, not that serious. Everyone dies, a lot of people get forgotten, at this point, what's the issue with dying anymore?
I think about the ripples in the water, the people who walk around the city, the stores, the clothes, the things I've done from then to now, couples, animals, raining, clouds, I look at it all. It's all beautiful. I can see the beauty in a lot of things, ESPECIALLY the small ones. But I don't want to be here for it anymore. My non existence doesn't mean anything, my existence is up for interpretation. And it's not that I don't care for myself, I still take care of myself, at least the bare bones of myself.
I still think that it's not the end of the world if I died. It's ok if I died. Life will go on when I die. I will be forgotten. I will be insignificant. My history means nothing, my relationships, my experiences, it will not be unique, earth shattering, nothing.
The earth is going to spin another day, whether I'm here or not, and that's OK.
How I feel is separate to my fate. All those years of proving myself to everyone, only to be thrown into a world that doesn't care if I do anything or not. Its true freedom. Death. Life. It's all a choice that doesn't matter, and when it does matter, it really doesn't. I'll just be the statistic. A tragedy. An article to observe. But time will move on.
I bet you no one on this site reads my shit thru the end because everyone here wants/needs a ear to lend, but not everyone will get it. I'm not special enough for special treatment either. I think I'm just screaming to the void until my very end, and only the void will have some sort of idea of me before inevitably be deleted. I love screaming to the void, it feels rather freeing and rebellious, I don't care about what happens after I write this out, because what can you really say? "Sorry for feeling that way?" Like it's all so predictable that I don't really expect much from people anymore. It's all the same response, same answer, same opinion, same shit blah blah blah I don't hate anyone btw I just hate that no response satisfies me anymore.
It's so unsatisfying, and annoying.
I got a job, at first I really loved the premise of it, it felt as if I was finally getting close to what would feel like a dream job. But honestly, I think it has woke me up again about something:
I wasn't supposed to live this long. I wasn't supposed to be an adult, I wasn't supposed to survive.
I don't have a solid dream, goals, theyre all are so short term and fleeting. Once they end, I don't feel accomplished, I feel, nothing. Yeah the initial feeling feels good, but the second it ends, I don't think about it anymore. It's like a drug, I chase the high, except the high gets shorter and shorter to the point where I feel disappointed that when I get what I want, I feel absolutely nothing. It's so annoying. I want to be happy like everyone, who cares about me, wants.
But today, I came to work, didn't sleep cuz I keep getting nightmares about being assaulted and chased by people who want to kill me, and I wanted to just go home. I stayed because I don't want to come off cold, I kinda want to come off tolerable, but oh my god I miss being home I want to cry.
I kinda took a breather and put things into a perspective i always had but now i have updated it:
It doesn't matter if it matters or not, my existence, non existence, are just, fine? Like if I cbt yeah I miss out on things, but that's, ok? Experiencing everything isn't possible, but Experiencing nothing is. I feel as if I stopped existing, it would be fine. Sure my family will be traumatized, but they will pass on like I do and be forgotten, so leaving them behind, is fine. Whether it's good or bad to leave my family behind, whatever I do is fine, because it's just, not that serious. Everyone dies, a lot of people get forgotten, at this point, what's the issue with dying anymore?
I think about the ripples in the water, the people who walk around the city, the stores, the clothes, the things I've done from then to now, couples, animals, raining, clouds, I look at it all. It's all beautiful. I can see the beauty in a lot of things, ESPECIALLY the small ones. But I don't want to be here for it anymore. My non existence doesn't mean anything, my existence is up for interpretation. And it's not that I don't care for myself, I still take care of myself, at least the bare bones of myself.
I still think that it's not the end of the world if I died. It's ok if I died. Life will go on when I die. I will be forgotten. I will be insignificant. My history means nothing, my relationships, my experiences, it will not be unique, earth shattering, nothing.
The earth is going to spin another day, whether I'm here or not, and that's OK.
How I feel is separate to my fate. All those years of proving myself to everyone, only to be thrown into a world that doesn't care if I do anything or not. Its true freedom. Death. Life. It's all a choice that doesn't matter, and when it does matter, it really doesn't. I'll just be the statistic. A tragedy. An article to observe. But time will move on.
I bet you no one on this site reads my shit thru the end because everyone here wants/needs a ear to lend, but not everyone will get it. I'm not special enough for special treatment either. I think I'm just screaming to the void until my very end, and only the void will have some sort of idea of me before inevitably be deleted. I love screaming to the void, it feels rather freeing and rebellious, I don't care about what happens after I write this out, because what can you really say? "Sorry for feeling that way?" Like it's all so predictable that I don't really expect much from people anymore. It's all the same response, same answer, same opinion, same shit blah blah blah I don't hate anyone btw I just hate that no response satisfies me anymore.
It's so unsatisfying, and annoying.