67 days left... death means nothing, my existence holds no weight.

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I wasn't able to make posts for the 90th day and so on, but now I've been thru enough to kinda put my thoughts together about what happened the last 2 months.

I got a job, at first I really loved the premise of it, it felt as if I was finally getting close to what would feel like a dream job. But honestly, I think it has woke me up again about something:

I wasn't supposed to live this long. I wasn't supposed to be an adult, I wasn't supposed to survive.

I don't have a solid dream, goals, theyre all are so short term and fleeting. Once they end, I don't feel accomplished, I feel, nothing. Yeah the initial feeling feels good, but the second it ends, I don't think about it anymore. It's like a drug, I chase the high, except the high gets shorter and shorter to the point where I feel disappointed that when I get what I want, I feel absolutely nothing. It's so annoying. I want to be happy like everyone, who cares about me, wants.

But today, I came to work, didn't sleep cuz I keep getting nightmares about being assaulted and chased by people who want to kill me, and I wanted to just go home. I stayed because I don't want to come off cold, I kinda want to come off tolerable, but oh my god I miss being home I want to cry.

I kinda took a breather and put things into a perspective i always had but now i have updated it:

It doesn't matter if it matters or not, my existence, non existence, are just, fine? Like if I cbt yeah I miss out on things, but that's, ok? Experiencing everything isn't possible, but Experiencing nothing is. I feel as if I stopped existing, it would be fine. Sure my family will be traumatized, but they will pass on like I do and be forgotten, so leaving them behind, is fine. Whether it's good or bad to leave my family behind, whatever I do is fine, because it's just, not that serious. Everyone dies, a lot of people get forgotten, at this point, what's the issue with dying anymore?

I think about the ripples in the water, the people who walk around the city, the stores, the clothes, the things I've done from then to now, couples, animals, raining, clouds, I look at it all. It's all beautiful. I can see the beauty in a lot of things, ESPECIALLY the small ones. But I don't want to be here for it anymore. My non existence doesn't mean anything, my existence is up for interpretation. And it's not that I don't care for myself, I still take care of myself, at least the bare bones of myself.

I still think that it's not the end of the world if I died. It's ok if I died. Life will go on when I die. I will be forgotten. I will be insignificant. My history means nothing, my relationships, my experiences, it will not be unique, earth shattering, nothing.

The earth is going to spin another day, whether I'm here or not, and that's OK.

How I feel is separate to my fate. All those years of proving myself to everyone, only to be thrown into a world that doesn't care if I do anything or not. Its true freedom. Death. Life. It's all a choice that doesn't matter, and when it does matter, it really doesn't. I'll just be the statistic. A tragedy. An article to observe. But time will move on.

I bet you no one on this site reads my shit thru the end because everyone here wants/needs a ear to lend, but not everyone will get it. I'm not special enough for special treatment either. I think I'm just screaming to the void until my very end, and only the void will have some sort of idea of me before inevitably be deleted. I love screaming to the void, it feels rather freeing and rebellious, I don't care about what happens after I write this out, because what can you really say? "Sorry for feeling that way?" Like it's all so predictable that I don't really expect much from people anymore. It's all the same response, same answer, same opinion, same shit blah blah blah I don't hate anyone btw I just hate that no response satisfies me anymore.

It's so unsatisfying, and annoying.

 

[Aisley]

It seems you or someone else set your expectations too high. With everything being so meaningless, it really is enough to just exist day to day. To keep interractions in an enclosed area where the only desired outcome is that they don't contribute to a lack of sleep. To do the same with your work output. I just spent a week without a working toilet, and it meant nothing to me. There was no emotional response. Everything is geared towards a day where everything ended well enough that it won't take up headspace in my blessed quiet dark moments that I wait all day for. That's it. Sleep time. Contentment relies solely on your own requirements for it, so do yourself a favour and lower the bar.

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

That's the thing about life isn't it? You can't predict anything, all you have is the here and now. I may preach that reality is horrible and living in it is a nightmare, but I simply have to disagree with your statement. The act of living, breathing, actively waking up in the morning, going to work and talking to your family, that in of itself means your existence does have weight. I guess to put it in better perspective, decrease the size of your bubble— ignore the fact that you aren't much to the world, start caring about the fact that you are worth something to the people near you. Once you stop putting external and widespread pressure on yourself for existing, you find that your existence has already done something and changed something for someone or yourself. You have already placed a mark on your family's hearts and everyone reacts differently to death. You've heard of the stories where people never get over the death of a loved one, whereas others hurt themselves over it. Ignore the long term for now, focus on the very present. Don't even think about living in the future, you wouldn't be able to stay present in the current moment. Once you can do that, I think you'll find that your existence in itself isn't meaningless or insignificant. Decrease the size of your bubble, take a long nap immediately after work and stay in bed until the next morning, down an entire mug of coffee and play some videogames, whatever. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, who am I to tell you otherwise? Just try, you're at this low, might as well.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

decrease the size of your bubble— ignore the fact that you aren't much to the world, start caring about the fact that you are worth something to the people near you.

I kinda already have a small bubble of friends and family that I love and care about. I spend a decent amount of time with all of them. Minus my parents because even when I achieve anything they don't really make me feel accomplished about it. I even told them that I wished they were more proud of me but they made it clear that they'll never will.

take a long nap immediately after work and stay in bed until the next morning, down an entire mug of coffee and play some videogames, whatever. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, who am I to tell you otherwise? Just try, you're at this low, might as well.

Yeah after a bit I'm gonna take some sleeping meds and go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'm not as pessimistic. Tho I have been picking up a lot more games lately.

It seems you or someone else set your expectations too high. With everything being so meaningless, it really is enough to just exist day to day.

Hit the nail on the head for this one. Being conditioned to be given high expectations has done damage to my mental. It's an everyday batter not thinking that I'm a failure for not going beyond just surviving a day. But yeah I think I'm gonna sleep I think the lack of sleep is getting to me.