6 days until CTB

[$yck]

Afternoon everyone,

I've been counting down the days till November 9th for a month and now it's right around the corner. I am excited, but I'm trying to keep my composure to ensure that all goes well. As I'm ironing out and finishing up the details of my plan to CTB, I realize that I need a second opinion on my method, notes, and other things surrounding my final day. I was supposed to make this post on the 26th so I had time to change methods if need be, but I got lazy lmao. With that being said here is my plan;


METHOD:
Suicide via Night Night Method on November 9th, 2025 [Anytime] in the comfort of my own bed.
I have:

• 1.88in x 10yd [48mm x 9.1m] Gorilla Tape [to secure the Bean bags to my neck on my Carotid Artery]
• 6in x 6in, 16oz [2.54cm x 2.54cm, 0.453592kg] Bean Bags [to place on my Carotid Artery without compressing the windpipe]
• 1" x 15' [2.54cm x 4.572m] Rhino USA Ratchet Straps w/a 600lbs [272.155kg] working load limit [to simulate the blood choke]

I am confident in this method, and am going to use the next couple of days to find and mark my Carotid Artery. However, I've read a few posts saying that the Night Night method is unreliable and would like some insight on that. If this fails, I'm looking to try SN.

As for the rest of my plan, I am thinking about taking sleeping pills [Mirtazapine, also known as Remeron] to make the whole "dying peacefully in my sleep" fantasy a bit of a reality. [I would take the Mirtazapine before placing everything on my neck and within the next hour, the time it usually takes effect, go through with the method]

I will also be wearing a DNR bracelet.

NOTES:

1. Initial note upon finding my body

I will CTB in my room while my mom is out of town, I have written a few notes that I will tape to my door. The initial note reading as follows:

"READ BEFORE ENTERING

Hello,
If you are reading this, I am dead. I have committed suicide. I am not hanging from the ceiling, nor is there any blood on the walls from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. In my room, you will find my body lying peacefully* in my bed. It looks like I'm sleeping. You will also find various notes addressed to family, friends, and others.

If you found my body, flip to page 2.
If you are Law Enforcement, Paramedics, EMTs[etc.], please flip to pages 3-4.
Thank you."

Page 2 advises whoever reads the note first to call law enforcement immediately and locate the binder once my body is removed from the room [The binder, labeled "SUICIDE DOCUMENTS", will include legal documents, personal information, and other notes.

Page 3 informs Law Enforcement of my Name, Date of Birth, Age at the time of Death, and estimated time of death [which will be written in right before]. It also includes as note that states what drugs are in my system [likely just the Mirtazapine and some weed] and how much of it. Followed by a signature and date, that affirms that all information is true and correct to my knowledge and will be reflected on any medical report.

Page 4 is a Wikipedia description of a blood choke, as provided by Kooz [the original poster of the Night Night Method Megathread].

Page 5 is my most up accurate and up to date mental health diagnoses.

2. Procedure ​

In the white binder, upon opening the first thing the person will see is a Table of Contents, and a Procedure Document that is to be considered as my last Will & Testament. The Procedure document details 6 procedures to follow:

• An Initial procedure [Which is to: Initially, Let me die, and then proceed to which ever procedure best fits the current circumstances]\
• Life Support Procedure [Which is to: Withdraw all care and terminate life support as soon as possible]
• Alive and Well Procedure [Which is to: Send me to the same psych ward I went to the last 2 times, locate the pre-packed suitcase/duffle bag that will be alongside the binder, check the items in with me, and contact my places of employment to let them know of my attempt.]
• Afterlife Procedure [Which is to: Read the General Note, as well as the individual note that is assigned to the person, contact my places of employment and let them know of my death, contact my old friends, instructions on how to respect my wishes/ what to do with my body]
• Funeral Procedure [If they choose not to respect my wishes and not cremate me, this procedure lists what to do for my funeral. If they're gonna disrespect my wishes, they might as well do it right]
• Belongings Procedure [What to do with all my stuff]

3. Actual Suicide Notes​

I wrote a General note which everyone over the age of 18 can read [so my younger family members don't get any ideas]. It includes a brief foundational reason of why I CTB, that being:

"All in all, the main reason I killed myself was: I never wanted to be born, I've never found comfort or enjoyment in life, and I refuse to keep struggling to build a life I never asked for."

It also includes a vague description of why I feel the way I do, a link to an ALL ABOUT ME document [so they can get to know me as I'm not there to tell them], and a statement on my suicide:

"My suicide is not only me exercising my right to bodily autonomy but also a retaliation to those who have made me feel unloved, worthless, misunderstood, and miserable. I am now free from everything that was done to me."

I wrote a note to: my mom, my sister, my nephew, my mom's side of the family as a whole, my aunt, my dad's side of the family as a whole, my therapist and 5 of my old friends.

I put all the notes on 2 flash drives and will put those in the binders as well

4. Other Shit​

• I deep cleaned my room, and put all the stuff I don't want to be sold in a locked trunk
• I have a DNR bracelet, that I will wear when I CTB
• I cleared off my computer and phone and put everything into a password encrypted flash drive.
• I made my own obituary
• I've planned out my last 72 hours
• I still have to pack my suitcase and make an inventory list for the psych ward, just in case.

This is most of it. Please let me know if there's anything you think I missed. Feel free to ask questions, and provide feedback.

Thank you :]

 

[$yck]

I was also thinking about texting an old friend of mine that I love him, but I don't wanna freak him out and have him call the police on me

 

[woodlandcreature]

I don't know a ton about Night Night method, so bumping for your second opinion! It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into preparing, so I hope things go how you want them to. I hope all is peaceful, and I'm sorry life has lead you here.

 

[madwoman]

To me, this is very thorough. I don't know anything about the method although I've read little about it here. My method is SN. We have a lot of the same kind of things we are doing such as listing what we did for law enforcement, having personal documents all set up, deep clean (spent this whole weekend doing a deep apartment cleaning and will try to upkeep it best I can), having Will written out etc. I am not as organized as you and makes me want to refine even more. I was going to write suicide letters but then backed out and just have one for everyone bc it's exhausting. I might buy a DNR bracelet. I am also trying to prepare if my attempt fails (like I've been pairing down my belongings to only be what I'd want to have if I live), but will need to do more preparing. A hospital or psych ward bag is a good idea.

I am sorry for your pain and hope things go okay in these following days and on the 9th with whatever happens. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are doing all you can to prepare.

 

[$yck]

I don't know a ton about Night Night method, so bumping for your second opinion! It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into preparing, so I hope things go how you want them to. I hope all is peaceful, and I'm sorry life has lead you here.

Thank you. You've been so kind to me on here, and I really appreciate you. I hope you find peace. Thank you so much.

 

[slitwristsbleedcold]

this looks very promising, i like it, goodluck op, wish you for the best and peace

 

[$yck]

To me, this is very thorough. I don't know anything about the method although I've read little about it here. My method is SN. We have a lot of the same kind of things we are doing such as listing what we did for law enforcement, having personal documents all set up, deep clean (spent this whole weekend doing a deep apartment cleaning and will try to upkeep it best I can), having Will written out etc. I am not as organized as you and makes me want to refine even more. I was going to write suicide letters but then backed out and just have one for everyone bc it's exhausting. I might buy a DNR bracelet. I am also trying to prepare if my attempt fails (like I've been pairing down my belongings to only be what I'd want to have if I live), but will need to do more preparing. A hospital or psych ward bag is a good idea.

I am sorry for your pain and hope things go okay in these following days and on the 9th with whatever happens. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are doing all you can to prepare.

Thank you, I'm really trying to make sure I cover all the bases. I haven't done much research on SN but it seems very common on this site, leading me to believe that it's a pretty sound method. I hope all goes well for you. Thank you again, I really appreciate you.

this looks very promising, i like it, goodluck op, wish you for the best and peace

Thank you :]

 

[claracatchingthebus]

That's a pretty horrifying way for your mom to find your body, because she will instinctively go in the room and try to revive you with the note. Although I suppose if your body is decomposing, she'll know upon entering the house that something is wrong. I still would be concerned that's she'll enter.

Isn't there some other option? It's awful for a parent to lose a child, but it just seems even more traumatic. I feel like the likelihood of her entering the room and finding your decomposing body is really high and the visual horror of seeing that could lead to PTSD even beyond the normal horrible grief of losing a child to suicide. I am not trying to guilt you into staying alive. I'm pro-choice.

If you text a friend in a way that seems suicidal, you could get a welfare check that will interrupt you when you have a lot of brain damage but aren't dead.

Are you sure you want to do this? I'm sorry to ask, because you're here on SaSu, you're probably sure, but you seem like a likable person, I've read your posts before and enjoyed reading them. Is there anything about your situation that could be changed to make it less awful? Like you mention all these people who treated you horribly; do you live in a conservative area or an area with people who are uncompassionate? I am partly asking this because since your username has the caption "swaggot" and you're wearing pink, I am guessing you are gay and have been exposed to a lot of homophobic people, and there are definitely liberal areas where gay people are not treated like garbage, where being treated normally while flamboyantly gay is normal. And if you aren't gay, and my interpretation of swaggot is wrong, please let me know.

 

[woodlandcreature]

Thank you. You've been so kind to me on here, and I really appreciate you. I hope you find peace. Thank you so much.

No need to thank me and thank you. i hope i do soon too. i hope we all find peace in one way or another.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

It's concerning that night-night method is relatively unreliable. Members say that there are few successful instances and it takes long time. If it doesn't work, your elaborate plan will be ruined. That being said I believe you must've contemplated on your method as well as the plan and finally chosen night-night. Whatever decision you take I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[$yck]

That's a pretty horrifying way for your mom to find your body, because she will instinctively go in the room and try to revive you with the note. Although I suppose if your body is decomposing, she'll know upon entering the house that something is wrong. I still would be concerned that's she'll enter.

Isn't there some other option? It's awful for a parent to lose a child, but it just seems even more traumatic. I feel like the likelihood of her entering the room and finding your decomposing body is really high and the visual horror of seeing that could lead to PTSD even beyond the normal horrible grief of losing a child to suicide. I am not trying to guilt you into staying alive. I'm pro-choice.

If you text a friend in a way that seems suicidal, you could get a welfare check that will interrupt you when you have a lot of brain damage but aren't dead.

Are you sure you want to do this? I'm sorry to ask, because you're here on SaSu, you're probably sure, but you seem like a likable person, I've read your posts before and enjoyed reading them. Is there anything about your situation that could be changed to make it less awful? Like you mention all these people who treated you horribly; do you live in a conservative area or an area with people who are uncompassionate? I am partly asking this because since your username has the caption "swaggot" and you're wearing pink, I am guessing you are gay and have been exposed to a lot of homophobic people, and there are definitely liberal areas where gay people are not treated like garbage, where being treated normally while flamboyantly gay is normal. And if you aren't gay, and my interpretation of swaggot is wrong, please let me know.

Yeah, I figured I underestimated the initial shock/grief upon finding a note on your son's door that says he's dead behind it. I was originally going to do it outside under the stars but it's getting cold and my fingers would probably go numb before I even got the tape around my neck.

I don't really know if I have another option tbh, I want to die peacefully in my own space and that space is unfortunately in my mom's house. The only other option I'd consider is calling the police on myself or texting my friend in a way that'll make him call the police, and leaving the front door open so they'll find my body and my mom will only see the police cars and ambulance outside, but like you said I don't want them to interrupt me halfway and leave me with brain damage. I'm 90% my mom already has PTSD, from working on the police force. On top of that, I think her leaving the house and coming back to find that I've killed or harmed myself is one of her biggest fears, or so she says. I swear I'm not trying to play into that, or do this out of spite. She "loves" me in her own way, but she's hurt me in ways that matter and I don't know what it takes to make her understand that. I talked, cried, and yelled at her countless times about how she's made me feel and she never seems to get it. The first and only time I saw her cry was in a dream I had 3 nights ago.


For years I've talked about, planned, researched and fantasized about killing myself. Every time I've chickened out of an attempt, I've always looked back at it and wish I had gone through with it. I'll be honest tho, I'm on the fence about suicide. Death sounds nice, but I just wish life were better. One of the main reasons I'm leaning towards death is because nothing is showing any signs of getting better, not even a little bit. Thank you for saying I seem like a likable person, it seems like that but people in real life have treated me horribly even when I showed them empathy and kindness, which leads me to believe that theres something wrong with me/ I'm unlovable.

There are tons of things that would make my situation better like, getting a better job and making enough money to have my own place, making new friends and or getting a partner, and people treating like a human being. But with how my life has gone so far it seems like none of that is ever going to happen, and by the time it does I'll already be too used to the negativity that it won't matter.

I think I actually live in a pretty liberal area, there's a couple of assholes here and there but I expect that anywhere. I'm bi, but I struggle with internalized homophobia so the "swaggot" title is a reflection of that. Also the dude in my pfp is Frank Ocean, not me lol. I'm not really flamboyant and most people don't know about my sexuality. People weren't rude to me because they were homophobic, people are just really mean regardless. I understand where your interpretation comes from though.

Thank you for your input, I'll take the things you've said into consideration. Thanks again, I really appreciate it :]

It's concerning that night-night method is relatively unreliable. Members say that there are few successful instances and it takes long time. If it doesn't work, your elaborate plan will be ruined. That being said I believe you must've contemplated on your method as well as the plan and finally chosen night-night. Whatever decision you take I hope you find what you are looking for.

This is what I was afraid of. The next 5 days I'll do a couple trial runs and see where I land. I'll consider partial hanging. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. :]

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Yeah, I figured I underestimated the initial shock/grief upon finding a note on your son's door that says he's dead behind it. I was originally going to do it outside under the stars but it's getting cold and my fingers would probably go numb before I even got the tape around my neck.

I don't really know if I have another option tbh, I want to die peacefully in my own space and that space is unfortunately in my mom's house. The only other option I'd consider is calling the police on myself or texting my friend in a way that'll make him call the police, and leaving the front door open so they'll find my body and my mom will only see the police cars and ambulance outside, but like you said I don't want them to interrupt me halfway and leave me with brain damage. I'm 90% my mom already has PTSD, from working on the police force. On top of that, I think her leaving the house and coming back to find that I've killed or harmed myself is one of her biggest fears, or so she says. I swear I'm not trying to play into that, or do this out of spite. She "loves" me in her own way, but she's hurt me in ways that matter and I don't know what it takes to make her understand that. I talked, cried, and yelled at her countless times about how she's made me feel and she never seems to get it. The first and only time I saw her cry was in a dream I had 3 nights ago.


For years I've talked about, planned, researched and fantasized about killing myself. Every time I've chickened out of an attempt, I've always looked back at it and wish I had gone through with it. I'll be honest tho, I'm on the fence about suicide. Death sounds nice, but I just wish life were better. One of the main reasons I'm leaning towards death is because nothing is showing any signs of getting better, not even a little bit. Thank you for saying I seem like a likable person, it seems like that but people in real life have treated me horribly even when I showed them empathy and kindness, which leads me to believe that theres something wrong with me/ I'm unlovable.

There are tons of things that would make my situation better like, getting a better job and making enough money to have my own place, making new friends and or getting a partner, and people treating like a human being. But with how my life has gone so far it seems like none of that is ever going to happen, and by the time it does I'll already be too used to the negativity that it won't matter.

I think I actually live in a pretty liberal area, there's a couple of assholes here and there but I expect that anywhere. I'm bi, but I struggle with internalized homophobia so the "swaggot" title is a reflection of that. Also the dude in my pfp is Frank Ocean, not me lol. I'm not really flamboyant and most people don't know about my sexuality. People weren't rude to me because they were homophobic, people are just really mean regardless. I understand where your interpretation comes from though.

Thank you for your input, I'll take the things you've said into consideration. Thanks again, I really appreciate it :]

This is what I was afraid of. The next 5 days I'll do a couple trial runs and see where I land. I'll consider partial hanging. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. :]

Are you more into men than women? Because if you are 50/50 bi, that's one thing, and if you are like more 70/30 bi, with 70 being dudes, then people not knowing and not being out could be a part of why you feel this way. Are you African American? Sometimes I've possibly heard some African American communities are less accepting of LGBT people, but I don't know that for sure.

Sometimes people don't have to be out to be treated meanly for being LGBT+, people just sense something different and use that as a way to be cruel. It is a cruel world, most people are cruel to other people and it's probably nothing you've done personally, if that helps, and it likely doesn't.

So many people are struggling financially right now. Everything being too expensive, people living with family, it's all typical of the time we are in.

I understand what you are saying about wanting to die at home. If your mother is a police officer, she'll probably recognize the smell of death from crime scenes if she walks in and you're dead, so perhaps you won't run into your room and try to revive you. Or maybe she will anyway. It still is really unfortunate.

Have you tried to get any help? Done the whole anti-depressant thing? Also, there's lots of lonely trans girls out there and not that many openly bisexual guys, if you are into trans girls. Many would be thrilled to land a bisexual guy. There are also quite a few more effeminate gay males who would like to date a bisexual male.

I'm sorry things have been so awful and I have enjoyed your posts, perhaps something will change and you will end up deciding to stay alive. Would you get kicked out if you came out as bi? Perhaps if you came out, it would change things, or perhaps it wouldn't, but perhaps it would make things better?

There are larger LGBT+ populations in Chicago and New York than in Detroit, with less homophobia. They are both expensive areas, but sometimes people find jobs in those areas and then get roommates.

 

[$yck]

Are you more into men than women? Because if you are 50/50 bi, that's one thing, and if you are like more 70/30 bi, with 70 being dudes, then people not knowing and not being out could be a part of why you feel this way. Are you African American? Sometimes I've possibly heard some African American communities are less accepting of LGBT people, but I don't know that for sure.

Sometimes people don't have to be out to be treated meanly for being LGBT+, people just sense something different and use that as a way to be cruel. It is a cruel world, most people are cruel to other people and it's probably nothing you've done personally, if that helps, and it likely doesn't.

So many people are struggling financially right now. Everything being too expensive, people living with family, it's all typical of the time we are in.

I understand what you are saying about wanting to die at home. If your mother is a police officer, she'll probably recognize the smell of death from crime scenes if she walks in and you're dead, so perhaps you won't run into your room and try to revive you. Or maybe she will anyway. It still is really unfortunate.

Have you tried to get any help? Done the whole anti-depressant thing? Also, there's lots of lonely trans girls out there and not that many openly bisexual guys, if you are into trans girls. Many would be thrilled to land a bisexual guy. There are also quite a few more effeminate gay males who would like to date a bisexual male.

I'm sorry things have been so awful and I have enjoyed your posts, perhaps something will change and you will end up deciding to stay alive. Would you get kicked out if you came out as bi? Perhaps if you came out, it would change things, or perhaps it wouldn't, but perhaps it would make things better?

There are larger LGBT+ populations in Chicago and New York than in Detroit, with less homophobia. They are both expensive areas, but sometimes people find jobs in those areas and then get roommates.

It fluctuates from time to time, but I'd say 50/50. When I was first having questioning my sexuality, I tried to tell my mom about it and she made me come out to my whole family "out of respect for them". I hated it. I would've preferred to keep it to myself, even though my family was pretty accepting. It's less about what other people think and more about how I feel internally. Also yeah, I'm black.

It does seem like people sense something is different about me and treat me poorly because of it. I just don't know how or why.

Financial stress is a bitch yeah, for me it's that on top of everything else so it's just an added weight.

It really is unfortunate. It's unfortunate that I am this close to CTB, I tried really hard to make a life that I wanted to live.

I've been to the psych ward twice, tried 3 different anti depressants and none of them have really helped. And yeah I've tried pursuing all kinds of different people, at different stages of my life and nobody ever stuck with me. It's really hard not to think there's something wrong with me.

I'm glad you've enjoyed my posts, I'll probably make a few more before I attempt :], though if something does come up in the next 6 days, maybe I will change my mind, but that's up to the universe to decide.

I've thought about moving out of state, but I like Michigan too much. Go Blue lol

Thank you for all the kind words, and talking to me like I'm a human being :]