50 pages of my thoughts over the past year

[imacrybaby]

Hi everyone,
About a year ago, I started regularly writing down my thoughts for therapy. I recently copied everything to one Google Doc and it's 54 pages in total. Do you guys think it's a good idea to release it to the world when I ctb? I'm still thinking about how exactly to do this.

 

[Life_and_Death]

depends on whats it in. i wouldnt mind releasing all of my abuse to the world. i want everyone to know how horrible their "friends" are

 

[TooConscious]

To be honest people are rarely going to be interested unless they know you. I used to think I could write a manifesto to change the world but you realise you're just another human with thoughts like everyone else, and if what you wrote is such powerful words to change society, they will either be repressed or plagiarised.



Personally I used to try to write the perfect suicide note. Even these days I vent my thoughts or write stuff down I think will be useful to overcoming fear and succeeding with ctb but I've got about 50 pages I need to siv through to see what I need to revise and what is bulls hit, it seems to add more pressure than relief for me. Sorry if this is not relevant thought i may identify with someone though.

I hope your writing helps you.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i think it depends on the contents of the journal. is it a life story of sorts? saying who and what led you to suicide? or is it less personal? musing about life?

like tooconscious said, it'll be unlikely that people will read it unless they know you. just something to keep in mind, if you're looking to feel heard.

at the end of the day, it's your choice. if you feel something needs to be said, say it. if you want to say something, say it. i've been going back and forth between leaving a short note or a journal when i ctb, so props to you for getting 54 whole pages.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I'd like to read it. Are you willing to send it to me over email?

 

[imacrybaby]

I'd like to read it. Are you willing to send it to me over email?

Well, it's extremely personal but for some reason I feel like I want other people to read it, so I'll send it to you if you give me your email address. Also, half of it is in Hungarian (I'm Hungarian) but half of it is in English, so you'll have to skip some parts.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

As long as it is not entirely in Hungarian, it'll be fine. I'll send you my email over PM.

 

[imacrybaby]

i think it depends on the contents of the journal. is it a life story of sorts? saying who and what led you to suicide? or is it less personal? musing about life?

like tooconscious said, it'll be unlikely that people will read it unless they know you. just something to keep in mind, if you're looking to feel heard.

at the end of the day, it's your choice. if you feel something needs to be said, say it. if you want to say something, say it. i've been going back and forth between leaving a short note or a journal when i ctb, so props to you for getting 54 whole pages.

I think I'll send it to a couple of friends before I go. It's quite personal, mostly just thoughts that I have, not always about suicide or depression.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

You are new so you cannot exchange PM's yet. I'll post it here but delete the post when you copy it. Is that okay?

 

[imacrybaby]

You are new so you cannot exchange PM's yet. I'll post it here but delete the post when you copy it. Is that okay?

That's okay, yes

 

[imacrybaby]

Got it

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Got it

Cool. Looking forward to reading it.
How old are you btw?

 

[imacrybaby]

Cool. Looking forward to reading it.
How old are you btw?

I'm 20

 

[GoneGoneGone]

That's lovely and a great idea! Good for you! It can be extremely cathartic and don't underestimate the power of you voice as an author!

To be honest people are rarely going to be interested unless they know you.

There was a guy Norwegian or Danish, cannot remember the name, who wrote a book about his daily struggles, mundane tasks, daily decision-making, and it became a sensation. Cannot remember the name but I'll look it up.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I'm 20

I am reading, it is interesting.
When did you start feeling like this? Are you in touch with Irina? Are you still in therapy? I haven't read the whole thing yet, I am in mid June now.

 

[TooConscious]

Yes I'm by no means saying 'nothing' gets praised but very little... It's down to luck really, certain people at a certain time/place making other communities aware of it in a way these things either blow up, or get knocked off.

 

[imacrybaby]

I am reading, it is interesting.
When did you start feeling like this? Are you in touch with Irina? Are you still in therapy? I haven't read the whole thing yet, I am in mid June now.

I have felt like this since I was 12 or 13. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist too. And the Irina ship has sailed, sadly. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

 

[imacrybaby]

What meds are you taking and do they help? Are you still working? Do you get along well with your family?
Who is Adam?
Did you go to Amsterdam with your class from high school or with friends?

I'm taking mirtazapine and olanzapine, and for a while I thought they worked but they clearly don't. I'm kinda distant/cold with my family. I actually study (uni) in Amsterdam. I know I shared the document with you which is extremely personal, but I'm kinda starting to feel uncomfortable revealing so much info about myself to a stranger on the internet.
I think when I ctb, I'll only send the document to a couple of close friends who will understand it, instead of releasing it to the world.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I'm taking mirtazapine and olanzapine, and for a while I thought they worked but they clearly don't. I'm kinda distant/cold with my family. I actually study (uni) in Amsterdam. I know I shared the document with you which is extremely personal, but I'm kinda starting to feel uncomfortable revealing so much info about myself to a stranger on the internet.
I think when I ctb, I'll only send the document to a couple of close friends who will understand it, instead of releasing it to the world.

Don't worry about it, I am sorry if I was asking too many questions. I would actually prefer that strangers read something personal about me, rather than close people. If you think your privacy could be invaded by my post (that someone could identify you), I will delete it.

 

[checkouttime]

I think you should chill out on discussing this stuff on the open forum. i don't know for certain, but some of this could possibly be used to track you down etc?? unless you aren't bothered about stuff like that of course.

just a thought,you don't have to listen to me!

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Yeah, you're right, I'll delete my post with the questions.

 

[Misfit72]

Hi everyone,
About a year ago, I started regularly writing down my thoughts for therapy. I recently copied everything to one Google Doc and it's 54 pages in total. Do you guys think it's a good idea to release it to the world when I ctb? I'm still thinking about how exactly to do this.

You could upload it to a site, but few people will read it - you might as well just send the document to people who know you. I've written at length myself, and will do again for the benefit of those who know me, but wouldn't want it to be made public although it might end up being quoted in an inquest.

 

[Panna]

I would definitely be interested in it, if you did, however as you said, you probably won't since its personal, so thats fine. When it comes to people who are going through things, the best way to appreciate what they have gone through is through their musings. The most rawest form of emotion, getting it from any other form of source doesnt compare. It may sound creepy, but the idea is getting a idea of the best way the individual could have been helped and ultimately it could be used to help others who are suffering in the same way.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

i don't know for certain, but some of this could possibly be used to track you down etc??

There's no suicide police in NL, they'll give you a paracetamol and send you on a walk whatever you say.

 

[nitroautnz]

Hi everyone,
About a year ago, I started regularly writing down my thoughts for therapy. I recently copied everything to one Google Doc and it's 54 pages in total. Do you guys think it's a good idea to release it to the world when I ctb? I'm still thinking about how exactly to do this.

I think unless it names people, sure why not releasing it if that what you want to do.
I m writing a journal too, i will leave it behind me for the people i love, hoping they would understand my daily struggle and why i ctb.