ABadPerson
something's off | internet black goop
- Oct 24, 2025
- 60
It's 4am, yet no sleep comes. I just been spacing out a lot, with no thoughts in my mind yet tears continue to form; I don't really get it but yet I do.
I see no point in the vast majority of life, yk? Not in a cynical way, but in the most literal sense of the term possible; everything lacks colour. I don't enjoy any of it, nor do I want to pursue anything; I don't have anything I really want to buy and nothing I want to spend time on. It drains me to just exist, as I can't stop feeling genuine mental pain from doing one thing too long or just simply nothing. It's agonising, and the constant tiredness only makes it worse. What am I supposed to do? I don't understand, it feels so strange to go about life without someone telling me what I should like or what I should do. I think it's loneliness, desperate loneliness wanting to scream out as only in moments where I am with someone else I was toxically connected to do I start to feel something, and I crave that feeling again. I crave people but can't stand them, can't stand and just grow more tired of normal relationships or friendships when I hold back 'myself', it reminds me of how performative I really am in real life; yet when I don't, and I grow closer I only twist people beyond recognition and feed into their own hate towards everything else, like a toxic parasite I just can't stop it. I spent my early childhood so completely isolated to where I just can't compute proper communication skills that are 'healthy' in any way: I grow too obsessive, too lenient, too encouraging. I attempted to copy the ways of which others communicate for years, but my lack of genuine comprehension makes it difficult to know when to stop and I don't have any boundaries. I'm outspoken and blunt, extremely depressive and bleak, I get lonely too quickly when theres no response, I get too affected by every word they say, and I get others too attached mutually as well as I make their worldview seem more and more bleak; ironically I put too much effort into them. It's weird how easily I seem to just destroy people when all I wanted was to open the door to my 'world' just a little, to feel the warmth I never got to experience and the emotions I don't get to understand without any of those people. Am I really just that bad? Am I not allowed connection too? I don't remember a single moment in my life where I had felt seen, though my childhood was spent not wanting to be seen. Maybe my mother was right that I was born sinful.
I see no point in the vast majority of life, yk? Not in a cynical way, but in the most literal sense of the term possible; everything lacks colour. I don't enjoy any of it, nor do I want to pursue anything; I don't have anything I really want to buy and nothing I want to spend time on. It drains me to just exist, as I can't stop feeling genuine mental pain from doing one thing too long or just simply nothing. It's agonising, and the constant tiredness only makes it worse. What am I supposed to do? I don't understand, it feels so strange to go about life without someone telling me what I should like or what I should do. I think it's loneliness, desperate loneliness wanting to scream out as only in moments where I am with someone else I was toxically connected to do I start to feel something, and I crave that feeling again. I crave people but can't stand them, can't stand and just grow more tired of normal relationships or friendships when I hold back 'myself', it reminds me of how performative I really am in real life; yet when I don't, and I grow closer I only twist people beyond recognition and feed into their own hate towards everything else, like a toxic parasite I just can't stop it. I spent my early childhood so completely isolated to where I just can't compute proper communication skills that are 'healthy' in any way: I grow too obsessive, too lenient, too encouraging. I attempted to copy the ways of which others communicate for years, but my lack of genuine comprehension makes it difficult to know when to stop and I don't have any boundaries. I'm outspoken and blunt, extremely depressive and bleak, I get lonely too quickly when theres no response, I get too affected by every word they say, and I get others too attached mutually as well as I make their worldview seem more and more bleak; ironically I put too much effort into them. It's weird how easily I seem to just destroy people when all I wanted was to open the door to my 'world' just a little, to feel the warmth I never got to experience and the emotions I don't get to understand without any of those people. Am I really just that bad? Am I not allowed connection too? I don't remember a single moment in my life where I had felt seen, though my childhood was spent not wanting to be seen. Maybe my mother was right that I was born sinful.
