46 Y/O male Ontario Canada. New to this forum...

[Right2Die73]

I have been fighting with major depressive disorder and anxiety since I was a young child. Grew up in a very toxic environment. Abusive narcissistic mother. Father was often distant/too tired to deal with us. Both older siblings display borderline/narcissistic traits and have been hell for me. Never had anyone to look up to. Both parents now dead.
Father passed away in 2016. Haven't been working for years because of mental illness. Lost a lot of friends and had to give up all my pets (my beloved dog especially) just to find a place to live. I no longer have anything to look forward to. Both siblings have grown very cold and distant toward me which I suspected happening after our father passed away.
Anyway, researching various methods -- hanging or CO in a car or tent have been on my mind a lot. It might sound strange but I am a nature/outdoor person and have been seriously thinking about going out into the woods and either going out in a car with the charcoal or CO method or hanging. There have been various threads on these topics. Does anyone else feel the same way? In other words -- do you want to ctb in the wilderness?

 

[Sensei]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to meet you under these circumstances. As you probably already have noticed, people are very friendly here and no topic is too difficult to discuss. I for one find it very comforting.

As for your question, I think I personally would be more comfortable dying in my home, because it's the only place where I really can relax. Besides, I doubt that I'll plan my demise very carefully. I'll probably act on impulse.

 

[Soul]

Hello and welcome (although I'm sorry about what's led you here). I'd love to go out in some form of wilderness to die - for example the Tibetan Plateau steppes, or the Gobi desert, maybe the Sahara. But it's impractical for me now. Too many disabilities and not enough money.

 

[k75]

Home for me, thanks! I'm not really fond of camping or outdoors stuff. It's just not comfortable for me at all.

 

[Right2Die73]

Thanks everyone for the kind response. I do sometimes think it would be best in the home but I don't have my own place so it would be difficult. SN seems to be too hard to obtain without raising alarms and the method seems to require too much research and steps. I don't want my roomate finding me and either trying to stop me or calling the paramedics while I am still alive. If things continue to get worse than I may have no choice but to try to find some way to do it at home. I only choose the wilderness because outdoor life seems to be the only comfortable place for my tortured mind.

 

[Skyview]

To ctb in the wilderness is easier said than done for me . I'll be using SN and recently found out the extreme cold can change the composition of SN making it it less potent , obviously need to travel to warmer area's and face another problem , people ! How far is far enough to escape someone finding you since SN takes approx 4 hrs to death .
Reminds me of a hike I was on , I could see for miles in each direction and no one was in sight , found a bush and squatted and seconds later I heard "good morning " followed by other good morning greetings! There was a whole bunch of them ! Where did they come from ? I looked to the sky for a ufo and yes I'm serious, no way could I have missed seeing them approaching and I still don't know to this day how they suddenly appeared !
Life can be strange at times and you certainly don't want to be found when you are in the process of ctb .

 

[Epsilon0]

Welcome @Right2Die73

 

[Right2Die73]

To ctb in the wilderness is easier said than done for me . I'll be using SN and recently found out the extreme cold can change the composition of SN making it it less potent , obviously need to travel to warmer area's and face another problem , people ! How far is far enough to escape someone finding you since SN takes approx 4 hrs to death .
Reminds me of a hike I was on , I could see for miles in each direction and no one was in sight , found a bush and squatted and seconds later I heard "good morning " followed by other good morning greetings! There was a whole bunch of them ! Where did they come from ? I looked to the sky for a ufo and yes I'm serious, no way could I have missed seeing them approaching and I still don't know to this day how they suddenly appeared !
Life can be strange at times and you certainly don't want to be found when you are in the process of ctb .

I had no idea that the composition of SN is affected by the cold.
Good point. Sometimes you might think no one is around when there really are a lot of people around. Although I think the CO/charcoal method is also an option for me.

 

[Skyview]

I had no idea that the composition of SN is affected by the cold.
Good point. Sometimes you might think no one is around when there really are a lot of people around. Although I think the CO/charcoal method is also an option for me.

Charcoal in a tent works , remember reading about a couple out camping and temp dropped so they brought the charcoal in for heat , she died and he didn't !!! Was she closer to the grill ?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I have been fighting with major depressive disorder and anxiety since I was a young child. Grew up in a very toxic environment. Abusive narcissistic mother. Father was often distant/too tired to deal with us. Both older siblings display borderline/narcissistic traits and have been hell for me. Never had anyone to look up to. Both parents now dead.
Father passed away in 2016. Haven't been working for years because of mental illness. Lost a lot of friends and had to give up all my pets (my beloved dog especially) just to find a place to live. I no longer have anything to look forward to. Both siblings have grown very cold and distant toward me which I suspected happening after our father passed away.
Anyway, researching various methods -- hanging or CO in a car or tent have been on my mind a lot. It might sound strange but I am a nature/outdoor person and have been seriously thinking about going out into the woods and either going out in a car with the charcoal or CO method or hanging. There have been various threads on these topics. Does anyone else feel the same way? In other words -- do you want to ctb in the wilderness?

I know services are very sparse in Ontario.. but it may be possible to make friends which can help alleviate your feelings of loneliness or emptiness.. someone I know is in the DBT program there, and I heard it helps. Though if all else fails, I guess ctb is something to fall back on.

 

[Right2Die73]

It's possible that she was closer. Or she might not have been in good health to begin with. Who knows. There was someone that posted a topic on this in the Toronto area a while back. Not sure if the person just left the forum or actually followed through with it.

I know services are very sparse in Ontario.. but it may be possible to make friends which can help alleviate your feelings of loneliness or emptiness.. someone I know is in the DBT program there, and I heard it helps. Though if all else fails, I guess ctb is something to fall back on.

Services are pretty bad in Ontario and haven't gotten much better. I've had some pretty negative experiences with the system .I have been through programs, psychs, countless medications, talk therapy etc. I did actually try to open up to others in programs but found some people were quite toxic. That's not to say all of them were -- there were some decent people but I am the type of person that is quite vulnerable and people know it. Toxic people are drawn to me for this reason. I am working on this but the damage is pretty much done. This is why I ended up in crisis/having nervous breakdown to begin with. Just have to be careful sometimes because there are people in these groups/programs that take advantage of others. Its difficult for me to make friends to begin with and having negative experiences have made it worse.

 

[Skyview]

It's possible that she was closer. Or she might not have been in good health to begin with. Who knows. There was someone that posted a topic on this in the Toronto area a while back. Not sure if the person just left the forum or actually followed through with it.

A woman in Japan was the first to adopt charcoal in the car to ctb , a spate of suicides followed when people learned of this method . Authorities in Japan had the makers of charcoal add additional ingredients to thwart further attempts !

 

[ImSoTired]

Welcome. The people here are always open to talk if needed. Don't be afraid to ask anything on your mind.

The outdoors is where I plan to do it, peacefully surrounded by the only good in this world.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Thereisnothing]

I love the outdoors so nature would be a very nice and natural place to pass away, but also would be my own bed. Hope you get some help and support here. I am new too and have found everyone to be very kind and considerate. If I can help others as they help me than that is a good thing. Its a safe place and good because we can be open about things, which in the outside world noone wishes to listen to or even begin to understand.

 

[LittleJem]

I would totally go camping and CTB. With charcoal/BBQ thing. The reason I don't is that it seems technical and I don't know if I'd get it right. But maybe I will combine it wiht an overdose. I also think about dog walkers/like who will discover me. Though I iwll put some kind of sign inside my tent saying call the police if I go that way. But I am more likely going to go for a cheap hotel room somewhere.

 

[realjunes]

Right2Die73,
Welcome, friend. Wow. You have had all the cards stacked against you in life, it makes me sad to hear. .
And it seems you had had no breaks in life. While we may not can change your life, I hope you will find joining us at SS is a break in your life, at least to the extent you now have a community of compassionate, caring and understanding empathetic friends, who get you.
We look forward to coming to know you more and to your contributions here. Free unending concern is available for you at SS !

 

[Right2Die73]

Right2Die73,
Welcome, friend. Wow. You have had all the cards stacked against you in life, it makes me sad to hear. .
And it seems you had had no breaks in life. While we may not can change your life, I hope you will find joining us at SS is a break in your life, at least to the extent you now have a community of compassionate, caring and understanding empathetic friends, who get you.
We look forward to coming to know you more and to your contributions here. Free unending concern is available for you at SS !

Thank you so much for the kind words. It does seem to help when you have people you can relate to, and people that empathize with you.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Thank you so much for the kind words. It does seem to help when you have people you can relate to, and people that empathize with you.

Welcome to the forum. You definitely came to the right place for that. There's many good people and resources here!

 

[TAW122]

Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide and, yes we are all suffering here and hope to either recover or end our suffering. With that said, in regards to your method, I would go with CO poisoning outdoors because this way you can surround yourself with nature and go peacefully there. Given that you mentioned SN would be too difficult to get without raising alarms, red flags, and also hanging is tough given that you don't have the place completely to yourself, therefore, the outdoors would be the best choice given what you described. As for CO method via charcoal, there are many legitimate uses for charcoal (especially non-CTB) reasons and given that you can use your outdoor experiences as a cover for your method, it would go in sync with what you planned.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your stay here and may you find the resources and support that you are looking for.

 

[Right2Die73]

Welcome. The people here are always open to talk if needed. Don't be afraid to ask anything on your mind.

The outdoors is where I plan to do it, peacefully surrounded by the only good in this world.

Likewise, nothing makes me feel more comfortable than to be in nature. I think part of my problem is I am one of those people that will never be comfortable in the cities and suburbs even though I have lived here for most of my life. It seems fitting to me to spend my last moments surrounded by trees etc.