4 days of failed attempts

[unwilling_lich]

i just spent like last 4 days in my room, ignoring everyone, not eating, trying and failing over and over to hang myself/tourniquet myself. my roommates say theyre worried and that they love me, but i also heard them talking shit so idk. my best friend is coming by tomorrow night and idk if i can tell her whats been going on, everyone i know is going thru so much actual shit, tf am i gonna say? im sad? comfort me in my rent free room while so many of our friends dont even have rooms of their own?

i was supposed to wait til after a trip with a friend in september so i don't abandon her, but i cant wait any longer. not that it matters cuz i just keep failing, just like all my other attempts over my life.

idk who to talk to otherwise. i need to talk to someone who actually knows me, but so many of my friends are younger than me now, it feels creepy af to be all help me to ppl in their early and mid 20s when im gonna be 30 next year.

i cant die but i cant live either

 

[sleepingrabbit]

Regardless of your age difference, I don't think it's "creepy" to at least explain to your older friends that you're struggling. If not them, there are always the hotlines that u can call. They have pages up here to give you info on that.

 

[andreamysk]

Can you call your best friend who is supposed to come over tomorrow night? Tell her how you are, she should definitely understand. We fail all the time, and we shouldn't judge ourselves based on our failures (that's just a part of us). And as @sleepingrabbit writes, you can always call some hotline dedicated to these extremely difficult times you are experiencing

 

[unwilling_lich]

hotlines would just want me to go to the psych ward, ive been to several and theyre genuinely terrible. worst case scenario they call the cops and the living situation of everyone here is immediately at risk.

i tried messaging her but i end up deleting the message immediately after sending. shes coming after work, a place shes already miserable in, i dont wanna make things worse for her.

maybe yr right not to judge myself for failing, but what if i literally cant ctb? ive been trying for over 12 years now, wasting away but still living

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really tiring what you go through, to me personally it's so dreadful how trying to die can go wrong, I wish there's the option to just cease existing in peace. But anyway best wishes.

 

[andreamysk]

hotlines would just want me to go to the psych ward, ive been to several and theyre genuinely terrible. worst case scenario they call the cops and the living situation of everyone here is immediately at risk.

i tried messaging her but i end up deleting the message immediately after sending. shes coming after work, a place shes already miserable in, i dont wanna make things worse for her.

maybe yr right not to judge myself for failing, but what if i literally cant ctb? ive been trying for over 12 years now, wasting away but still living

It's kind of you to think about how your friend might be, but I think your condition is more serious now: maybe you could send her the message back, just to have a little comfort in the meantime, if possible.

I understand what you mean when you write that you can neither live nor die, it's a distressing condition (I also understand that you don't want to be hospitalized: maybe there are lines where you can just talk? I'm really sorry for you, I wish I could be of some help. Is there anything that can make you feel a little better? Sometimes?)

 

[unwilling_lich]

shes not coming, fuck

 

[andreamysk]

shes not coming, fuck

Did she even call you? Did you hear from her?

 

[Evelyn Lane]

i just spent like last 4 days in my room, ignoring everyone, not eating, trying and failing over and over to hang myself/tourniquet myself. my roommates say theyre worried and that they love me, but i also heard them talking shit so idk. my best friend is coming by tomorrow night and idk if i can tell her whats been going on, everyone i know is going thru so much actual shit, tf am i gonna say? im sad? comfort me in my rent free room while so many of our friends dont even have rooms of their own?

i was supposed to wait til after a trip with a friend in september so i don't abandon her, but i cant wait any longer. not that it matters cuz i just keep failing, just like all my other attempts over my life.

idk who to talk to otherwise. i need to talk to someone who actually knows me, but so many of my friends are younger than me now, it feels creepy af to be all help me to ppl in their early and mid 20s when im gonna be 30 next year.

i cant die but i cant live either

I recommend hanging yourself outside if you don't have any luck indoors. Also, partial hanging is a only recommended if you're not really committed in dying, for how luck-based and unreliable it is

 

[unwilling_lich]

Did she even call you? Did you hear from her?

no, she mentioned it in the house discord server, we last talked 1 on 1 abt an unrelated thing a few days ago. she didnt show up cuz our friends mom got tax clients coming in today (long story, insane living situation, but we live in someone who doesnt live heres home office, but without it we wouldnt have a home so) im assuming if she still comes itll be later today

I recommend hanging yourself outside if you don't have any luck indoors. Also, partial hanging is a only recommended if you're not really committed in dying, for how luck-based and unreliable it is

yea ive slowly been realizing that, its just hard to leave my room and be seen by ppl. esp since theres 10 ppl living here now (2 in an trailer thing outside). also im afraid to go to the woods at night cuz i got growled at by some dog like creature i think a coyote

plus ill have to regain strength considering i havent eaten in 2 days, so i have to face the consequences for the past few days

im afraid to take everything down cuz what if this time it actually works, but her walking in with it still up (we share the room the days that shes here (her living situation is also wack)) feels horrible and evil, not that her or anyone seeing me dead isnt an evil thing for me to do but I've been desperate for so long and leaving the house feels impossible at times

 

[Evelyn Lane]

no, she mentioned it in the house discord server, we last talked 1 on 1 abt an unrelated thing a few days ago. she didnt show up cuz our friends mom got tax clients coming in today (long story, insane living situation, but we live in someone who doesnt live heres home office, but without it we wouldnt have a home so) im assuming if she still comes itll be later today

yea ive slowly been realizing that, its just hard to leave my room and be seen by ppl. esp since theres 10 ppl living here now (2 in an trailer thing outside). also im afraid to go to the woods at night cuz i got growled at by some dog like creature i think a coyote

plus ill have to regain strength considering i havent eaten in 2 days, so i have to face the consequences for the past few days

im afraid to take everything down cuz what if this time it actually works, but her walking in with it still up (we share the room the days that shes here (her living situation is also wack)) feels horrible and evil, not that her or anyone seeing me dead isnt an evil thing for me to do but I've been desperate for so long and leaving the house feels impossible at times

That sounds rough. I hope you figure something out eventually then.

 

[unwilling_lich]

at this point im wondering if im even heavy enough to block my carotid arteries, im barely 100 lbs rn

 

[NotOurFriend]

at this point im wondering if im even heavy enough to block my carotid arteries, im barely 100 lbs rn

You still there ? I really Hope so.
Its hard i know, but please, dont die now.
Cant you call your Family or anyone Else who you can talk to. Suicide Hotlines are terrible i know. But please at least try your Family or closest Friends.

 

[unwilling_lich]

different friend asked to come over, the one im supposed to take the trip next month with, idk what to tell her, told her some of it minus the suicide stuff cuz idk how to just say no, but it doesnt feel right. ive only known her since december and shes only 21, it feels like way too much and fucked up to show her myself in this state but im too fucked up and starving to move and put things away

 

[unwilling_lich]

best friends coming over tn for sure, i think a roommate tipped her off abt my reclusion, says she wants to watch a movie in my room with me. im afraid to tell her everything but im gonna. i gotta. not that ive ever been good at holding things in at the slightest pressure

one day ill have the strength to go out and do full suspension, but it needs to be after the trip in september, im just gonna have to face the consequences til then

 

[Illegal Preclear]

one day ill have the strength to go out and do full suspension

That's actually the method I'm going with, sans some miracle where I get access to a gun or fentanyl. If it eases your mind, comparing partial to full suspension is kind of like apples and oranges. The mechanisms are the same, but with partial there's like an 80% chance SI will kick in and you will involuntarily stand up or untangle yourself. The vast majority of people are going to fail at partial. Full suspension has a very good track record - 89% lethality. There's a reason it's the 2nd most common method of CTB after firearms in the US, and the most common in Canada, Britain and many other nations. There's a lot of conflicting data on how painful it is, but it's comforting to know that the indisputable data is that the pain can't last for more than a minute, and odds are you'll pass out within 15-20 seconds.

 

[unwilling_lich]

That's actually the method I'm going with, sans some miracle where I get access to a gun or fentanyl. If it eases your mind, comparing partial to full suspension is kind of like apples and oranges. The mechanisms are the same, but with partial there's like an 80% chance SI will kick in and you will involuntarily stand up or untangle yourself. The vast majority of people are going to fail at partial. Full suspension has a very good track record - 89% lethality. There's a reason it's the 2nd most common method of CTB after firearms in the US, and the most common in Canada, Britain and many other nations. There's a lot of conflicting data on how painful it is, but it's comforting to know that the indisputable data is that the pain can't last for more than a minute, and odds are you'll pass out within 15-20 seconds.

it is comforting ty, the other 11% still scares me cuz what if someone finds me in time, also cuz back when i was 19 i tried to hang myself in my apartment stairwell and the fuckin railing broke and i fell 2 stories onto iced over sidewalk, crawled back to my apartment (with its power shut off lol) and pretended it didnt happen. but point is i def gotta make sure a secluded enough branch is sturdy, shouldnt be hard cuz im barely 100 lbs but im kinda a scared lil dumbass baby lol

 

[unwilling_lich]

seeing bestie has been nice so far, ive missed her. she brought me mcdonalds, we watched a movie together, played chess (ive surpassed her), were gonna do acid at a park tomorrow

holy shit eating is really intense and hard after starving

still afraid to approach any of my roomies but itll have to happen

igmi, im gonna be able to take that trip with the other friend in september, in the meantime i can do better research and look for a good secluded spot