36yo BPD, ADHD, Social Anxiety, ASD, chronic suicality over 20 years, 4 long-term hospital stays, multiple detox, 5 week rehab, 2 years DBT, no help.

[Jorms_McGander]

Maybe I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder after all.

Maybe I am a sociopath.

Nothing has helped me and I'm doubtful that anything will. I'm currently wondering if I should move in with family because I can't handle a job and I have no savings and no emergency fund but I don't want to be a burden.

I am a very difficult person to live with. I have all these wonderful sides and bla bla, and I can help the younger generation, and also, I have no impulse control, there isn't actually a personality inside this person so I'll just mirror whatever people are around me and psychonormative people take that as manipulation. But all I want to do is be accepted and not rejected.

I need loads of time by myself to destress from the simplest interaction. I need to destress after I take care of hygiene, because I don't like the sensations, but I know people want it to be done.

Like imagine all the basic shit people take for granted is about as painful as an ice cold shower. I have to psych myself up for literally every single tiny thing, and that takes time and energy.

I mentioned my age and that's to indicate that I've been working on this. I've been trying to find solutions. I've done my diligence. I think the trauma has overcome my willpower. My only real question is timing, I guess.

Put yourself in my shoes; there are toddlers on the doorstep of life and you know that if nobody helps them properly, they stand a high chance of going through what you've been going through for twenty years. Do you suffer another ten, twenty years, to help teach them? Do you prioritise your own suffering--after a life of consistent suffering?

There is nothing good about writing a letter to them. I am either here on Earth with them, or I am not. I can't say "live!" while my actions say "die!"

It's so fucking long though. That's a lot more pain and I have no guarantee I won't end up homeless, trapped into a life on the streets at the behest of my SI.

But the poor babies. I want to break the cycle. I'm part of a biological maelstrom of inspiration and pain, spinning backwards through time, and I could stand to help focus it into the future. Or I could opt out and send the message that way.

I guess it depends on what supports I have. Right now, I am battling my ex employer who is trying to assert that I chose to quit my job just because, instead of recording that I quit my job due to health issues, those being mental. I will have no support if they win and that will make things simpler. It is exhausting living amongst a species of such fierce apes. Just let me eat, please?

 

[hopelesswanderer]

This post hit me cause I feel like I'm reading something written by myself 9 years from now. I'm 27 right now and after getting sober 2 yrs ago, being in therapy for the last decade, DBT for the last 2 yrs, taking care of my body and trying to build friendships, I still feel miserable in my own skin and the simple things you talked about, even brushing teeth, is fucking exhausting. You're def not alone! I only brush my teeth and shower because the few people I do interact with would probably push me further away if I didnt! lol. I'm being told that I just need to stick with it, things will get better, you'll have less "episodes" in your 30s, etc... and I have always known that's completely false but didn't have a living example. You've at least helped one person though maybe not in the way you had hoped. Thank you.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

though maybe not in the way you had hoped. Thank you.

This space is for us. I can't make your mind up for you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everybody had space to live and feel validated and necessary?

I've always looked to the natural world for explanations. If you look at other species, this isn't the case. It takes a combination of qualities to become relevant in human society.

What I will say--I am literally brand new, just made this account and I've had no community for so so so long--is that I'm happy you spoke your honest mind to me, just another person.

If our lives end tomorrow, that should not disqualify our existence. You seem to have done a lot with yourself, and you've put a lot of effort in, and I'll say it since humanity struggles to do so: it's okay if you are tired. I'm not telling you to do anything. But it's okay to have your feelings. I think it's worth exploring treatment, and you have.

When I go, I will put it in writing in my will. "I don't want any sadness. I want respect for going as long as I did, just so I could be there for you"

There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes life really, really hurts.

 

[hopelesswanderer]

When I go, I will put it in writing in my will. "I don't want any sadness. I want respect for going as long as I did, just so I could be there for you"

Wow I love that last bit. And I agree wholeheartedly with your other comments. I joined recently too, kind of as a last ditch effort to see if I can connect with other humans. You said it best - I have no personality - I just mirror what others do in an attempt to be accepted. That can get pretty fucking exhausting because it feels like we are putting on a show / acting for the majority of our lives. And then feel so alone because nobody really knows us, hell we don't know ourselves. I feel trapped because if I talk about these intense feelings, I risk being locked away or at the very least just burdening someone else and bringing them down. Do you feel like there have been points in your life where you have felt accepted? (and felt secure in that acceptance?)

 

[Hotsackage]

im 36 to. screwed by beyond severe mental illness 20+ years. so this hits home hard

 

[moondazed]

32 y/o here. Similar story. It gets so much harder sharing these feelings as we get older. The feeling that other people our age are fighting their own battles, and not wanting to bring them down or put a "crazy" sign on your forehead. I only have a few close friends, and they live far away. Making new friends is so, so hard as an adult. Especially when you're carrying a rain cloud around with you. I'm glad I found this site, despite its notoriety. It's nice to just dwell in the darkness with others sometimes

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Wow I love that last bit. And I agree wholeheartedly with your other comments. I joined recently too, kind of as a last ditch effort to see if I can connect with other humans. You said it best - I have no personality - I just mirror what others do in an attempt to be accepted. That can get pretty fucking exhausting because it feels like we are putting on a show / acting for the majority of our lives. And then feel so alone because nobody really knows us, hell we don't know ourselves. I feel trapped because if I talk about these intense feelings, I risk being locked away or at the very least just burdening someone else and bringing them down. Do you feel like there have been points in your life where you have felt accepted? (and felt secure in that acceptance?)

It's hard to answer your question! And I don't think I've really been accepted. So far, I have my sister being really angry, and that's okay. I understand. I am uniquely talented with social shit but it burns me, it hurts to touch, it hurts to live

It would be insane to just pump out methods. Google is our saviour. I see you as a human being. I accept you right now, and I consider your life already lived to be worthwhile, to be contributing, to be constructive, and if you choose an exit then I would never denigrate your memory.

<3 that's all.
im 36 to. screwed by beyond severe mental illness 20+ years. so this hits home hard

im 36 to. screwed by beyond severe mental illness 20+ years. so this hits home hard

I see you. Did you need someone to listen? You can tell me. Can't hurt can it? We're already on this website <3. Tell somebody, anybody, your thoughts. I'm a valid choice. I won't reject your thoughts. You're human.

32 y/o here. Similar story. It gets so much harder sharing these feelings as we get older. The feeling that other people our age are fighting their own battles, and not wanting to bring them down or put a "crazy" sign on your forehead. I only have a few close friends, and they live far away. Making new friends is so, so hard as an adult. Especially when you're carrying a rain cloud around with you. I'm glad I found this site, despite its notoriety. It's nice to just dwell in the darkness with others sometimes

You sound like a rain cloud, more than an overcast sky. And I love that. Watch the growth around you.

 

[MBG]

Look into psychedelics/hallucinogens. Lots of research over past 5 years showing them to be better than conventional medicines for treating anxiety, depression, treatment resistant depression, PTSD and addiction.

If they can help people with advanced cancer….

Psychedelics may better treat depression and anxiety symptoms than prescription antidepressants for patients with advanced cancer

Recent research has shown that psychedelic drugs, including psilocybin, LSD, and MDMA, have the potential to significantly reduce depression and anxiety symptoms in patients with advanced cancer. The effectiveness of these drugs may stem from their ability to help patients confront and process...

www.psypost.org

 

[Hotsackage]

im completely screwed man otherwise id chat with u. im here though if u need to vent

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Look into psychedelics/hallucinogens. Lots of research over past 5 years showing them to be better than conventional medicines for treating anxiety, depression, treatment resistant depression, PTSD and addiction.

If they can help people with advanced cancer….

Psychedelics may better treat depression and anxiety symptoms than prescription antidepressants for patients with advanced cancer

Recent research has shown that psychedelic drugs, including psilocybin, LSD, and MDMA, have the potential to significantly reduce depression and anxiety symptoms in patients with advanced cancer. The effectiveness of these drugs may stem from their ability to help patients confront and process...

www.psypost.org

yes and I must come back to them with a responsible, 35+yo respect. They were good before my mental health got really rough, and I don't think they helped me, because as usual with recovery tactics I got to the end of the world and it looked like a tidal wave.

im completely screwed man otherwise id chat with u. im here though if u need to vent

Well I'm kinda the same right now, I'm feeling the lack of sleep over the past several days and I'm gonna let it take me away. We're friends now K? ;) Glad to hear back from you. Hope you'll have an okay night <3

PS: there's a town so far East of me it's on the Atlantic Ocean and it's called Sackville.

 

[moondazed]

You sound like a rain cloud, more than an overcast sky. And I love that. Watch the growth around you.

Funny you say that because I lived most of my life in the most overcast city in my country. Now I live in a very sunny city, and the culture shock is a bit debilitating, or perhaps defibrillating. Lol