Celerity
shape without form, shade without colour
- Jan 24, 2021
- 2,733
It just hit me that nothing has fundamentally changed over the past year. I'm living at home, friendless, in an underpaid and under appreciated job with overbearing supervisors.
Worse yet, in a global sense, the exact same problems I had as a kid are back in play: I am repulsive to most people, I have few prospects, and I constantly clash with authority.
I find myself slipping back into my old coping strategies as well. Trying my best to give less of a fuck about making connections or having anybody give a fucking damn about me. Videogames for distraction. Toiling alone on work because nobody can or will help. 16 years have passed and, in many ways, I'm back at square one.
It's a bit of a mindfuck, but at least I'm in familiar territory. I lived that way for years as a kid with no autonomy. I suppose I can do the same now as an adult. Of course, slamming the exit button with a 45 is one part of my arsenal I didn't have then, so I'm actually better off in at least one way.
Worse yet, in a global sense, the exact same problems I had as a kid are back in play: I am repulsive to most people, I have few prospects, and I constantly clash with authority.
I find myself slipping back into my old coping strategies as well. Trying my best to give less of a fuck about making connections or having anybody give a fucking damn about me. Videogames for distraction. Toiling alone on work because nobody can or will help. 16 years have passed and, in many ways, I'm back at square one.
It's a bit of a mindfuck, but at least I'm in familiar territory. I lived that way for years as a kid with no autonomy. I suppose I can do the same now as an adult. Of course, slamming the exit button with a 45 is one part of my arsenal I didn't have then, so I'm actually better off in at least one way.
