static
New Member
- Mar 2, 2023
- 4
i have about 3 hours until i will try to attempt to end my own life. its funny really, so little time yet i feel almost nothing about it, its like im all sadened out
i have hated my life ever since we went back to school after covid
my only ever crush had left to another school and because of such a long break all my friends had completely different senses of humor that i just couldnt adapt to, it felt like i was completely incapable of interacting with them, i slowly started to drift apart from them and it ended up getting to the point where they were telling me to stop hanging around them, i slowly stopped interacting with poeple all together apart from this one kid, his name was keiran, bless him, he would try so hard to get me to talk and even hung out with me at lunch a few times, but because im so fucking socially inept it never led to any proper friendship, he said he was joining the army after year 11 and i honestly wish the best for him. but apart from him i had no one in school, it was so damn lonely, i would hang out on my own at lunch , i would regularly get picked on for sitting alone staring at my phone, i cant count the amount of times i almost cried, i then started sneaking out of school and skipping lessons because i just couldnt stand being around people, i felt like a loser and an embarrasment but eventually i got caught and had to stop, i didnt do very well on my end of year tests due to lack of studying and my mind being, i remember on one of the off days for the exams i skipped maths and spent over an hour pacing around B&Q at the rope section i wanted to die so much, but i thought, hey sith form will be better" i couldnt have been more wrong, after my shockingly bad results i ended up getting a total of 0 of my chosen subjects and instead was handed some crappy ones, i begged my psychology teacher to let me on her course and she did, but i still wasnt happy, the other subject i was handed was science, and in science there is so many people in the class, and you have to do group work every other week, i couldnt handle it, i already had no friends and being forced to pace around the classroom looking for a group just to either be reject or awkwardly accepted sounded like hell to me, so the cycle restarted i started skipping that too, the only people i had around then were my 3 online friends, claudiu, mario and darius, theyve been great but recently its all gone to shit, darius and claudiu came over to my house the morning after i got finished cutting, i was in a terrible head state and it was only made worse by them jokingly stealing my phone, darius stole it and took it in the lounge at which point i started to fight him for my phone back i punched him in the face and apparently gave him a nosebleed, i told the two to get out my house and when they ended up coming back in my bedroom instead, i grabbed the nearest sharpest object i could find and threatened to kill darius, i dont know what i was thinking adn obviously havent talked to him since, im so sorry i did it, i dont know what i was doing and i would rewind time to stop myself from doing it if i could, unfortunately this is real life and i have to live with the consequences of my actions and now i dont have any friends at all , basically all 3 of them have disowned me as their friend and now im alone, and the worse part is its all m fault. i also got a job recently at a local iceland, i had to spend the first 2 weeks in some regular "smart" clothes that ended up having my arms exposed, on the second week my dad comes into the store and sees all the cuts on my arm and two weeks later i have ended up missing a shift, this will likely get me fired and i dont see any point continuing should that be the case, my dad went home, sees the razors on my desk and doesnt even take them away, he literally said to me in a conversation later that he doesnt care ive been cutting but that i can talk to him, does he not realise thats the last thing i want to do? and now i will use the same razors he failed to take from me to take my own life. my life has been a shitty joke for 3 years now and im finally about to retake control. goodbye i guess, hopefully i wont be here again.
lifes been alright i guess but death seems so much better
i have hated my life ever since we went back to school after covid
my only ever crush had left to another school and because of such a long break all my friends had completely different senses of humor that i just couldnt adapt to, it felt like i was completely incapable of interacting with them, i slowly started to drift apart from them and it ended up getting to the point where they were telling me to stop hanging around them, i slowly stopped interacting with poeple all together apart from this one kid, his name was keiran, bless him, he would try so hard to get me to talk and even hung out with me at lunch a few times, but because im so fucking socially inept it never led to any proper friendship, he said he was joining the army after year 11 and i honestly wish the best for him. but apart from him i had no one in school, it was so damn lonely, i would hang out on my own at lunch , i would regularly get picked on for sitting alone staring at my phone, i cant count the amount of times i almost cried, i then started sneaking out of school and skipping lessons because i just couldnt stand being around people, i felt like a loser and an embarrasment but eventually i got caught and had to stop, i didnt do very well on my end of year tests due to lack of studying and my mind being, i remember on one of the off days for the exams i skipped maths and spent over an hour pacing around B&Q at the rope section i wanted to die so much, but i thought, hey sith form will be better" i couldnt have been more wrong, after my shockingly bad results i ended up getting a total of 0 of my chosen subjects and instead was handed some crappy ones, i begged my psychology teacher to let me on her course and she did, but i still wasnt happy, the other subject i was handed was science, and in science there is so many people in the class, and you have to do group work every other week, i couldnt handle it, i already had no friends and being forced to pace around the classroom looking for a group just to either be reject or awkwardly accepted sounded like hell to me, so the cycle restarted i started skipping that too, the only people i had around then were my 3 online friends, claudiu, mario and darius, theyve been great but recently its all gone to shit, darius and claudiu came over to my house the morning after i got finished cutting, i was in a terrible head state and it was only made worse by them jokingly stealing my phone, darius stole it and took it in the lounge at which point i started to fight him for my phone back i punched him in the face and apparently gave him a nosebleed, i told the two to get out my house and when they ended up coming back in my bedroom instead, i grabbed the nearest sharpest object i could find and threatened to kill darius, i dont know what i was thinking adn obviously havent talked to him since, im so sorry i did it, i dont know what i was doing and i would rewind time to stop myself from doing it if i could, unfortunately this is real life and i have to live with the consequences of my actions and now i dont have any friends at all , basically all 3 of them have disowned me as their friend and now im alone, and the worse part is its all m fault. i also got a job recently at a local iceland, i had to spend the first 2 weeks in some regular "smart" clothes that ended up having my arms exposed, on the second week my dad comes into the store and sees all the cuts on my arm and two weeks later i have ended up missing a shift, this will likely get me fired and i dont see any point continuing should that be the case, my dad went home, sees the razors on my desk and doesnt even take them away, he literally said to me in a conversation later that he doesnt care ive been cutting but that i can talk to him, does he not realise thats the last thing i want to do? and now i will use the same razors he failed to take from me to take my own life. my life has been a shitty joke for 3 years now and im finally about to retake control. goodbye i guess, hopefully i wont be here again.
lifes been alright i guess but death seems so much better
