AnimeSlayersFan
Student
- Jul 18, 2025
- 106
LONG READ, GO TO THE END FOR TLDR:
I'm sitting at my uncle's renting spot, in a cabin in a hostel in the mountains. My uncle came here to see the family and my slowly dying grandma.
The last few days I've been interacting with people more, now on clonazepam, a medication that is supposed to lower my anxiety, I'm just more aware of how I can't "get to people", like there is this invisible wall with me and others.
I awkwardly stay or do things, just out of a reflex of not being weird, when I'm by myself, I don't have as many issues, but the moment other people are put in the mix, I don't know how to act.
I now realize, that I may probably be acting in quite retarded ways. And what I felt was "just anxiety" is indeed something else, for better or worse, no one else seems to tell me this, that I look like an alien.
That I'm terrible at conversation unless it's structured around something like anime or games, and even then, I notice much more than ever my faults in perceiving the world, when I go and be in a situation with other people, I can't quite tell their intentions, this makes me feel quite paranoid, and then, there's the fact of reading people to communicate with them. People don't say what they mean, and their "emotes" are quite complex. I forget a lot of the time to emote myself, to play up the emotion I'm feeling (or supposed to be feeling), and now I realize how terribly weird that probably is.
I haven't been doing it that much, but I know realize, that I don't show the right emotions at the right time. Not like other people.
We were sitting with my uncle, my aunt, and my grandma, in a family gathering, a silly joke was played on my grandma, some music was played on a phone and then she was recorded for a few seconds, a basic gag. During this exchange, I would feel the urge to like, do nothing, not really smile or move or anything, of course I did giggle a bit, but as with all my reactions when I'm with others, half of the giggle is always made up.
I literally don't know what to do, I freeze up like a cyborg in cryogenic sleep, and I wait for some kind of stimuli, or conjure up some reaction of some kind. If I don't make a tremendous effort to do this, I won't emote when I should, or I would just "do something weird", people seem to manuever really effortlessly around each other, and that doesn't happen to me.
I would wait for dinner to be cooked for example, maybe wanting to interact or help out, or to be involved in a conversation, this happens to me in different situations all the time. I literally don't know what I'm supposed to do.
My reaction is to sit perfectly still, like a rock. Like I'm an NPC waiting to be triggered up. I see other people doing small talk, or moving around, jumping from this to that, and I can't quite follow them there, I do make attempts to connect, but I'm sure they are cringy at best.
Of course I'm not like mentally retarded, so what I did so far is, just copy people, copy what they do, poorly of course. And with not a lot of willingness on my end.
I will be sitting like zoning out, and this whole thing unravels around me, I don't have a clue where to look, what to do with my body or what my body is doing either. I'm a lot of the time confused as of "what is going on".
I was diagnosed both with autism and adhd in a test that took 1hour, but the lady that did it, didn't seem to be at least for me, as big an expert as she said she was. I'm not saying she was a liar or anything, but I feel that I could pick it up, she ran me through some tests, then talked briefly with my mom, but when I asked her about medications for adhd, or resources for therapy, she just dodged the question, for adhd she just said she could "give me some excersices" or something, I know those are gonna be kid like and pretty fucking shit. I do not want that kind of help, I chatted up with a few people over whattsapp, a woman that like a "therapeutic aide" for people with autism, you know those special ed people they put with the autistic kids in school? One of those, she wrote to me in whatsapp as If I were, well, a mentally retarded helpless kid. With a kind of forced kindness that seemed offputting, she and this other guy a psychologist both made like vague statements about "knowing about autism", when I was trying to get an appointment, to change my therapy for a different one, I ended up not going to this guy, he wanted the equivalent of 20 dollars, for a session, (standard rate that I had with my last therapist) just to know if he could "help me or not" So, basically chat for an hour, then maybe be super unhelpful, just sit on your ass 45-60 minutes and bam, 20 bucks, which is higher than the wages of other people here per hour. I felt icky. But thankfully I missed the bus by mistake and didn't end up going.
The only people that seemed that they know a bit about autism, are some youtubers I've seen online, of course, I can't afford therapy with them.
Then, Wednesday I have my psychiatrist appointment, my mom seems tired of me in my mind, like im a nuisence that she wants to get rid of, she never listens when I talk about the negative side effects of my medication, and says that I should just trust the doctors and take whatever drug they give me and not read the side effects, and not go online and research, I do those things obsessively in her eyes, as I can sit in front of my computer for the entire day researching about autism for example or other subjects, I know she's worried that I'm 25 and basically a NEET.
She also just tells me to "cheer up and be happy" And when I sit with a flat affect using the computer, to her I maybe look like some kind of monster or something? I'm not sure on how I feel about this. She wants me to mask basically. She doesn't read anything of the important things I wanted to share with her about my "disorder" but now a show about disability, a comedy, is trending in my country, so, everyone is a bit like "accepting" while also laughing about people with disability.
But then again, what I want is adecuate treatment, and everyone in my family to me seems like "just listen to what the doctor says, and take whatever pill that he gives you and deal with whatever side effect you may have"
I have expressed concerns about having erectile disfunction from taking antidepressants for example, and their response was to compare that to the possible side effects you may get from a Paracetamol. They haven't read what I read, they don't even wanna listen, and they label me as "obsessive".
I am truly afraid, my mother wants to "guide" my treatment while telling me to basically "not guide my treatment", I research about pills and things, because I want to get better. Not worse, but the tendency to ignore all my side effects, "just keep taking the pills anon and it will get better!" And all of that naivity and carelessness creeps me out.
I'm scared I won't get the help I need and I will end up messed up or killing myself. Now I do want to be helped, but I don't know how much I can be helped.
---------------------------------------
TLDR/Important thing:
---------------------------------------
I have an appointment in 2 days with my psychiatrist.
I have this fantasy that If I can take adhd medication I might get better, but I have the feeling that my psychiatrist will prescribe me zoloft instead, an antidepressant.
That even though I now have a diagnosis, that I won't get the pills that I wanna get to get better, but instead sertraline, just an easy answer for my psychiatrist, as this is a common pill thrown around, and then a "just try it out" statement, followed by "you need to work the rest in therapy".
Then if I develop side effects and the pills don't work, that's gonna be "my fault". And then I might be just given a higher dose or put on another antidepressant, changing them around over and over, there's quite a few of those, and with antidepressants, because they "don't work right away" the expectation will be that I would need to be like at least a month in each of those, suffering the side effects that I get, and just "dealing with them" while I just "keep living my life"
I don't have a life. At all.
I feel really bad. Scared. Angry. I would want to deal with a kind rational person that says: Hey, you were right, we will try some adhd medication. You were diagnosed, I'm sorry I doubted you.
Instead what I expect will happen is a chaotic scene, in which I'm pressured to take the pill they want to give me. I'm scared. Please someone comment so I don't feel this lonely in this fucking shit. I wanna get better. This is exhausting. Truly exhausting. Now I gotta wait 2 more days.
Clozazepam (the benzo I'm taking) has made my sleep shit. I sleep worse as a side effect, of course, tellling my mom this just made her angry at me, until I shutted up about it.
I don't know. I need a friend.
I'm sitting at my uncle's renting spot, in a cabin in a hostel in the mountains. My uncle came here to see the family and my slowly dying grandma.
The last few days I've been interacting with people more, now on clonazepam, a medication that is supposed to lower my anxiety, I'm just more aware of how I can't "get to people", like there is this invisible wall with me and others.
I awkwardly stay or do things, just out of a reflex of not being weird, when I'm by myself, I don't have as many issues, but the moment other people are put in the mix, I don't know how to act.
I now realize, that I may probably be acting in quite retarded ways. And what I felt was "just anxiety" is indeed something else, for better or worse, no one else seems to tell me this, that I look like an alien.
That I'm terrible at conversation unless it's structured around something like anime or games, and even then, I notice much more than ever my faults in perceiving the world, when I go and be in a situation with other people, I can't quite tell their intentions, this makes me feel quite paranoid, and then, there's the fact of reading people to communicate with them. People don't say what they mean, and their "emotes" are quite complex. I forget a lot of the time to emote myself, to play up the emotion I'm feeling (or supposed to be feeling), and now I realize how terribly weird that probably is.
I haven't been doing it that much, but I know realize, that I don't show the right emotions at the right time. Not like other people.
We were sitting with my uncle, my aunt, and my grandma, in a family gathering, a silly joke was played on my grandma, some music was played on a phone and then she was recorded for a few seconds, a basic gag. During this exchange, I would feel the urge to like, do nothing, not really smile or move or anything, of course I did giggle a bit, but as with all my reactions when I'm with others, half of the giggle is always made up.
I literally don't know what to do, I freeze up like a cyborg in cryogenic sleep, and I wait for some kind of stimuli, or conjure up some reaction of some kind. If I don't make a tremendous effort to do this, I won't emote when I should, or I would just "do something weird", people seem to manuever really effortlessly around each other, and that doesn't happen to me.
I would wait for dinner to be cooked for example, maybe wanting to interact or help out, or to be involved in a conversation, this happens to me in different situations all the time. I literally don't know what I'm supposed to do.
My reaction is to sit perfectly still, like a rock. Like I'm an NPC waiting to be triggered up. I see other people doing small talk, or moving around, jumping from this to that, and I can't quite follow them there, I do make attempts to connect, but I'm sure they are cringy at best.
Of course I'm not like mentally retarded, so what I did so far is, just copy people, copy what they do, poorly of course. And with not a lot of willingness on my end.
I will be sitting like zoning out, and this whole thing unravels around me, I don't have a clue where to look, what to do with my body or what my body is doing either. I'm a lot of the time confused as of "what is going on".
I was diagnosed both with autism and adhd in a test that took 1hour, but the lady that did it, didn't seem to be at least for me, as big an expert as she said she was. I'm not saying she was a liar or anything, but I feel that I could pick it up, she ran me through some tests, then talked briefly with my mom, but when I asked her about medications for adhd, or resources for therapy, she just dodged the question, for adhd she just said she could "give me some excersices" or something, I know those are gonna be kid like and pretty fucking shit. I do not want that kind of help, I chatted up with a few people over whattsapp, a woman that like a "therapeutic aide" for people with autism, you know those special ed people they put with the autistic kids in school? One of those, she wrote to me in whatsapp as If I were, well, a mentally retarded helpless kid. With a kind of forced kindness that seemed offputting, she and this other guy a psychologist both made like vague statements about "knowing about autism", when I was trying to get an appointment, to change my therapy for a different one, I ended up not going to this guy, he wanted the equivalent of 20 dollars, for a session, (standard rate that I had with my last therapist) just to know if he could "help me or not" So, basically chat for an hour, then maybe be super unhelpful, just sit on your ass 45-60 minutes and bam, 20 bucks, which is higher than the wages of other people here per hour. I felt icky. But thankfully I missed the bus by mistake and didn't end up going.
The only people that seemed that they know a bit about autism, are some youtubers I've seen online, of course, I can't afford therapy with them.
Then, Wednesday I have my psychiatrist appointment, my mom seems tired of me in my mind, like im a nuisence that she wants to get rid of, she never listens when I talk about the negative side effects of my medication, and says that I should just trust the doctors and take whatever drug they give me and not read the side effects, and not go online and research, I do those things obsessively in her eyes, as I can sit in front of my computer for the entire day researching about autism for example or other subjects, I know she's worried that I'm 25 and basically a NEET.
She also just tells me to "cheer up and be happy" And when I sit with a flat affect using the computer, to her I maybe look like some kind of monster or something? I'm not sure on how I feel about this. She wants me to mask basically. She doesn't read anything of the important things I wanted to share with her about my "disorder" but now a show about disability, a comedy, is trending in my country, so, everyone is a bit like "accepting" while also laughing about people with disability.
But then again, what I want is adecuate treatment, and everyone in my family to me seems like "just listen to what the doctor says, and take whatever pill that he gives you and deal with whatever side effect you may have"
I have expressed concerns about having erectile disfunction from taking antidepressants for example, and their response was to compare that to the possible side effects you may get from a Paracetamol. They haven't read what I read, they don't even wanna listen, and they label me as "obsessive".
I am truly afraid, my mother wants to "guide" my treatment while telling me to basically "not guide my treatment", I research about pills and things, because I want to get better. Not worse, but the tendency to ignore all my side effects, "just keep taking the pills anon and it will get better!" And all of that naivity and carelessness creeps me out.
I'm scared I won't get the help I need and I will end up messed up or killing myself. Now I do want to be helped, but I don't know how much I can be helped.
---------------------------------------
TLDR/Important thing:
---------------------------------------
I have an appointment in 2 days with my psychiatrist.
I have this fantasy that If I can take adhd medication I might get better, but I have the feeling that my psychiatrist will prescribe me zoloft instead, an antidepressant.
That even though I now have a diagnosis, that I won't get the pills that I wanna get to get better, but instead sertraline, just an easy answer for my psychiatrist, as this is a common pill thrown around, and then a "just try it out" statement, followed by "you need to work the rest in therapy".
Then if I develop side effects and the pills don't work, that's gonna be "my fault". And then I might be just given a higher dose or put on another antidepressant, changing them around over and over, there's quite a few of those, and with antidepressants, because they "don't work right away" the expectation will be that I would need to be like at least a month in each of those, suffering the side effects that I get, and just "dealing with them" while I just "keep living my life"
I don't have a life. At all.
I feel really bad. Scared. Angry. I would want to deal with a kind rational person that says: Hey, you were right, we will try some adhd medication. You were diagnosed, I'm sorry I doubted you.
Instead what I expect will happen is a chaotic scene, in which I'm pressured to take the pill they want to give me. I'm scared. Please someone comment so I don't feel this lonely in this fucking shit. I wanna get better. This is exhausting. Truly exhausting. Now I gotta wait 2 more days.
Clozazepam (the benzo I'm taking) has made my sleep shit. I sleep worse as a side effect, of course, tellling my mom this just made her angry at me, until I shutted up about it.
I don't know. I need a friend.
